Sunday, October 28, 2012

My Anger

Since the accident that left my parents dead and me and two great family friends injured, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. There are times that I am sad of course. But there are also times that I am OK. In fact most of the time I am OK and often even happy. I know many people expect me to be a depressed mess, but I am trying to move on. And thanks to the wonderful support of family and friends, I am doing fine most of the time and really moving on.

But of course there are still times that I am sad. I very much miss my parents and at times the feeling overwhelms me. But I manage to get past the sadness and continue moving forward and and I try to be positive. The one emotion that I have the most trouble dealing with when it comes is anger. Lately when I get angry, I am really not sure what to do, except go to sleep and hope that when I wake up it will have passed.

What am I angry at? In short, almost everything. I am angry that some random person that had nothing to do with my life, was irresponsible while driving and now because of her my parents are dead and my elbow and ankle have been severely injured. I am angry that every time it pops into my head to talk to my parents, I can't because they are dead and always will be dead. The permanence of death angers me.

I was brought up to believe that death was just physical and that people live on in an after life. Now that I can no longer believe this, I am furious at the totality of my parents death. I am angry that my parents truly believed that by following what they believed to be the will of "god" they would be protected and given long lives. And despite their belief and dedication, while walking with me and their closest friends on the sabbath, a day that they "kept holy" as they believed they were commanded to, they were run over by a car and killed. I am angry for my parents because I believe they were lied to (not maliciously) and given false promises.

I'm angry for my injuries and for the injuries of our dear friends that were hit as well. I cannot speak for them, but I am angry that I am always in pain. I am angry that at the moment, neither my leg nor my arm work like they should. I am angry that I am completely dependent on the help of others while I spend most of my day in a hospital bed.

I am angry at all the horrible things people have told me while being well intentioned. I don't want to hear about "god's will" or "god's plan". I really, wholeheartedly believe there is no god. But should there be one, his plan is evil and his will is demented.

I am angry that in my close family circle that is dealing with this tragedy, I am the only single - as in unattached - person. I love my sister and brother in law. I love all four of my grandparents and I'm grateful to still have them in my life. I love my aunts and uncles and i love all my parents close friends that are for all intents and purposes are part of my family. But at the end of the day, when the lights go off, they each have their life partner, their soul mate, their lover to help each other through this horrible tragedy.

At the end of the day, when the light go off I am alone. I have no one to talk to as I fall asleep. I have no one to share my nightmares and dreams with when I'm woken in the middle of the night and no one to hold me and hug me when that is what I need.

At some point the anger always fades. I go back to my normal mood. But even after I calm down, I know that at some point I will get angry again. I know that because I have every reason to be angry over all the things I mentioned above. I'm not a little kid and I have known for a long time that life isn't fair. But I never expected to have this much "not fair" shoved down my throat at once. But what can I do? Nothing. I just have to accept it all and move on. I'm trying and I will, but it sure isn't easy.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

A Letter to My Parents

Since the accident that killed my parents and left me badly injured, I have struggled with the desire to pick up the phone and update my parents about different events. I used to speak to my mother almost daily and my father multiple times a week. Any time anything interesting, significant, important, etc happened, I would pick up the phone and tell one of them. So I have decided to write them a letter telling them much of what I wish I could say. While I know my parents are dead and cannot read the letter, I hope it might help me deal with this desire to update them.

My Parents

Dear Mommy and Abba,

So much has been going on sine you were suddenly killed. Natanya (my sister) is working so hard at trying to keep everything in order, with the amazing help of Aunt Marcia, Andrew and so so so many of your friends. She is so strong that it really amazes me st times. I wish you could see her. And you should see how well we are getting along. I know that would make you happier than words can describe. And I don't think there will ever be a way to express our gratitude to them. So I hope you are not worried for us, although I know you well enough to know that you are. No matter what, you always worried that Natanya and I were safe and happy.

You should also know I am being taken cared of very well while I'm still stuck in rehab. Ben even got permission to work from home sometimes so he can work here and help pass the day with me. All of your friends, from Philadelphia, East Brunswick,and even Maale Adummim are always helping me out and visiting me often. It seems that I have even become friends with some of your friends. You really choose amazing people to befriend.

I am slowly recovering from my injuries, although I still cannot walk. Physical and occupational therapy is going very well and I have become friends with my therapists.. I can even bend my elbow to 80 degrees now which is much better than  when I fainted by trying to bend it 60 degrees.. I know you would be excited. Its not easy and is often very painful. Sometimes when I am in the most pain, all I can think about is being able to talk to you. You were always so good at talking me through pain. And now that I am in the worst pain of my life, and you are not here, it is sometimes very difficult.

But I never give up. I am doing everything I must to get better and move on. And sometimes I even think of you favorite saying Abba, "successful people do the things that unsuccessful people don't want to do." I know I use to laugh whenever you would say that, but it is a good motivational line.

I guess if I really wanted to, I could keep writing forever because you have missed so much. But I will spare you. Just know that I really really miss you and love you. I still cannot comprehend how one moment you were together a few feet from me and then you were suddenly gone forever. I don't know if I will ever get rid of the constant desire to call you all the time. I am glad we shared so much while you
were alive so that now I have so many conversations which to look back. There are many things that I wish I had shared with you, but now I cannot.

I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. You were the greatest parents anyone could ever imagine.
I love you both so much and I am so lucky to be your son.
Love forever,

I miss you so much mom
I miss you so much abba

Saturday, October 6, 2012

One Moment in Time

When my parents were killed, we were all walking together and my father was in the middle of  a sentence. And then the  car hit and my parents are gone forever. One second I was thinking to myself what a wonderful time I am having with my parents and how lucky I am to  have such amazing parents, the next second I am lying on  the ground, unable to move, severely injured and both my parents are dead.

The strongest lesson that I have learned over the last few weeks is that at any moment life can be completely changed and turned upside down and that any moment life can be over. My parents had everything going for them. My dad was at the top of his career. Both my parents were leaders of their community and they just been picked as honorees at their synagogue's annual dinner. They fulfilled some of their greatest dreams by traveling all over the world. And above everything else, my patents loved being grandparents and would travel to Israel to see their grandchildren as often as possible. They were so happy and then in one moment it was over

As for myself, I was a healthy 27 year old, stressing over my thesis and work. One moment later, I needed 3 surgeries, I can't use my left limbs for 6 weeks and I have months of physical therapy ahead of me. I also realize that I could have easily been killed had i been standing slightly different or moved and inch one way or the other.

I have so much I still want to accomplish and do with my life. I want to finish school. I want to go live in Vietnam. I want to travel. I want to spend more time with the people that mean the most to me. And perhaps my greatest desire, I want to find love. I know that might seem very "Disney" to some and maybe even immature, but it really is the one attainable goal that I want more than any other. I want someone to share my life with. Since life can be just hanging by a thread at any given moment, I really do not want to waste any moment.

I want to live my life like my parents lived theirs. They never missed an opportunity to fulfill a dream or achieve a goal. Whatever they did in life, they did it as grandly as they could. And more important than anything else, whatever they did, they did it together.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

A Letter to my Friends

To my dear friend, _________________

The last few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster. It was not a simple time in my life or for anyone close to me. But you, my amazing friend stuck by me.

 It all began with what many saw as my abrupt exit from Judaism, which was actually the culmination of years of struggle and confusion. While many stood in judgement of me and some even cut me from their life, you stood by me as I learned to see the world through new eyes.

Of course the next major change in my life was not easy either. When I first told you that I was gay, you may or may not have been surprised. But you saw how terrified I was to share this once deep secret. Without missing a beat, you hugged me and told me that I had nothing to fear. You said that you loved me and that anyone else that loved me would continue to do so, no matter what. You once again stood by me as I learned more about myself then ever before. 

And of course you are still with me today, as I struggle through the most difficult calamity and change in my life. When that horrid person lost control of her car and killed my parents, while severely injuring myself and two loved ones, you rushed to my side. You were practically tripping over yourself trying to figure out how else you could help. You are here to help me deal with my emotional trauma and to support me through the healing process for my physical injuries. I do not know how I would get through all this without your loving friendship. 

I would like to tell you how much you mean to me, but the words simply do not exist. You are an amazing, wonderful person and I love you very much. If it was not for you, I do not how my life would look, but I am sure it would worse off.

Thank you for everything.

Your friend forever, Ami