My Anger

Since the accident that left my parents dead and me and two great family friends injured, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. There are times that I am sad of course. But there are also times that I am OK. In fact most of the time I am OK and often even happy. I know many people expect me to be a depressed mess, but I am trying to move on. And thanks to the wonderful support of family and friends, I am doing fine most of the time and really moving on.

But of course there are still times that I am sad. I very much miss my parents and at times the feeling overwhelms me. But I manage to get past the sadness and continue moving forward and and I try to be positive. The one emotion that I have the most trouble dealing with when it comes is anger. Lately when I get angry, I am really not sure what to do, except go to sleep and hope that when I wake up it will have passed.

What am I angry at? In short, almost everything. I am angry that some random person that had nothing to do with my life, was irresponsible while driving and now because of her my parents are dead and my elbow and ankle have been severely injured. I am angry that every time it pops into my head to talk to my parents, I can't because they are dead and always will be dead. The permanence of death angers me.

I was brought up to believe that death was just physical and that people live on in an after life. Now that I can no longer believe this, I am furious at the totality of my parents death. I am angry that my parents truly believed that by following what they believed to be the will of "god" they would be protected and given long lives. And despite their belief and dedication, while walking with me and their closest friends on the sabbath, a day that they "kept holy" as they believed they were commanded to, they were run over by a car and killed. I am angry for my parents because I believe they were lied to (not maliciously) and given false promises.

I'm angry for my injuries and for the injuries of our dear friends that were hit as well. I cannot speak for them, but I am angry that I am always in pain. I am angry that at the moment, neither my leg nor my arm work like they should. I am angry that I am completely dependent on the help of others while I spend most of my day in a hospital bed.

I am angry at all the horrible things people have told me while being well intentioned. I don't want to hear about "god's will" or "god's plan". I really, wholeheartedly believe there is no god. But should there be one, his plan is evil and his will is demented.

I am angry that in my close family circle that is dealing with this tragedy, I am the only single - as in unattached - person. I love my sister and brother in law. I love all four of my grandparents and I'm grateful to still have them in my life. I love my aunts and uncles and i love all my parents close friends that are for all intents and purposes are part of my family. But at the end of the day, when the lights go off, they each have their life partner, their soul mate, their lover to help each other through this horrible tragedy.

At the end of the day, when the light go off I am alone. I have no one to talk to as I fall asleep. I have no one to share my nightmares and dreams with when I'm woken in the middle of the night and no one to hold me and hug me when that is what I need.

At some point the anger always fades. I go back to my normal mood. But even after I calm down, I know that at some point I will get angry again. I know that because I have every reason to be angry over all the things I mentioned above. I'm not a little kid and I have known for a long time that life isn't fair. But I never expected to have this much "not fair" shoved down my throat at once. But what can I do? Nothing. I just have to accept it all and move on. I'm trying and I will, but it sure isn't easy.

A Letter to My Parents

Since the accident that killed my parents and left me badly injured, I have struggled with the desire to pick up the phone and update my parents about different events. I used to speak to my mother almost daily and my father multiple times a week. Any time anything interesting, significant, important, etc happened, I would pick up the phone and tell one of them. So I have decided to write them a letter telling them much of what I wish I could say. While I know my parents are dead and cannot read the letter, I hope it might help me deal with this desire to update them.

My Parents

Dear Mommy and Abba,

So much has been going on sine you were suddenly killed. Natanya (my sister) is working so hard at trying to keep everything in order, with the amazing help of Aunt Marcia, Andrew and so so so many of your friends. She is so strong that it really amazes me st times. I wish you could see her. And you should see how well we are getting along. I know that would make you happier than words can describe. And I don't think there will ever be a way to express our gratitude to them. So I hope you are not worried for us, although I know you well enough to know that you are. No matter what, you always worried that Natanya and I were safe and happy.

You should also know I am being taken cared of very well while I'm still stuck in rehab. Ben even got permission to work from home sometimes so he can work here and help pass the day with me. All of your friends, from Philadelphia, East Brunswick,and even Maale Adummim are always helping me out and visiting me often. It seems that I have even become friends with some of your friends. You really choose amazing people to befriend.


I am slowly recovering from my injuries, although I still cannot walk. Physical and occupational therapy is going very well and I have become friends with my therapists.. I can even bend my elbow to 80 degrees now which is much better than  when I fainted by trying to bend it 60 degrees.. I know you would be excited. Its not easy and is often very painful. Sometimes when I am in the most pain, all I can think about is being able to talk to you. You were always so good at talking me through pain. And now that I am in the worst pain of my life, and you are not here, it is sometimes very difficult.

But I never give up. I am doing everything I must to get better and move on. And sometimes I even think of you favorite saying Abba, "successful people do the things that unsuccessful people don't want to do." I know I use to laugh whenever you would say that, but it is a good motivational line.

I guess if I really wanted to, I could keep writing forever because you have missed so much. But I will spare you. Just know that I really really miss you and love you. I still cannot comprehend how one moment you were together a few feet from me and then you were suddenly gone forever. I don't know if I will ever get rid of the constant desire to call you all the time. I am glad we shared so much while you
were alive so that now I have so many conversations which to look back. There are many things that I wish I had shared with you, but now I cannot.

I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. You were the greatest parents anyone could ever imagine.
I love you both so much and I am so lucky to be your son.
Love forever,
Ami

I miss you so much mom

I miss you so much abba

One Moment in Time

When my parents were killed, we were all walking together and my father was in the middle of  a sentence. And then the  car hit and my parents are gone forever. One second I was thinking to myself what a wonderful time I am having with my parents and how lucky I am to  have such amazing parents, the next second I am lying on  the ground, unable to move, severely injured and both my parents are dead.

The strongest lesson that I have learned over the last few weeks is that at any moment life can be completely changed and turned upside down and that any moment life can be over. My parents had everything going for them. My dad was at the top of his career. Both my parents were leaders of their community and they just been picked as honorees at their synagogue's annual dinner. They fulfilled some of their greatest dreams by traveling all over the world. And above everything else, my patents loved being grandparents and would travel to Israel to see their grandchildren as often as possible. They were so happy and then in one moment it was over

As for myself, I was a healthy 27 year old, stressing over my thesis and work. One moment later, I needed 3 surgeries, I can't use my left limbs for 6 weeks and I have months of physical therapy ahead of me. I also realize that I could have easily been killed had i been standing slightly different or moved and inch one way or the other.

I have so much I still want to accomplish and do with my life. I want to finish school. I want to go live in Vietnam. I want to travel. I want to spend more time with the people that mean the most to me. And perhaps my greatest desire, I want to find love. I know that might seem very "Disney" to some and maybe even immature, but it really is the one attainable goal that I want more than any other. I want someone to share my life with. Since life can be just hanging by a thread at any given moment, I really do not want to waste any moment.

I want to live my life like my parents lived theirs. They never missed an opportunity to fulfill a dream or achieve a goal. Whatever they did in life, they did it as grandly as they could. And more important than anything else, whatever they did, they did it together.

A Letter to my Friends

To my dear friend, _________________

The last few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster. It was not a simple time in my life or for anyone close to me. But you, my amazing friend stuck by me.

 It all began with what many saw as my abrupt exit from Judaism, which was actually the culmination of years of struggle and confusion. While many stood in judgement of me and some even cut me from their life, you stood by me as I learned to see the world through new eyes.

Of course the next major change in my life was not easy either. When I first told you that I was gay, you may or may not have been surprised. But you saw how terrified I was to share this once deep secret. Without missing a beat, you hugged me and told me that I had nothing to fear. You said that you loved me and that anyone else that loved me would continue to do so, no matter what. You once again stood by me as I learned more about myself then ever before. 

And of course you are still with me today, as I struggle through the most difficult calamity and change in my life. When that horrid person lost control of her car and killed my parents, while severely injuring myself and two loved ones, you rushed to my side. You were practically tripping over yourself trying to figure out how else you could help. You are here to help me deal with my emotional trauma and to support me through the healing process for my physical injuries. I do not know how I would get through all this without your loving friendship. 

I would like to tell you how much you mean to me, but the words simply do not exist. You are an amazing, wonderful person and I love you very much. If it was not for you, I do not how my life would look, but I am sure it would worse off.

Thank you for everything.

Love,

Your friend forever, Ami

The Day that Turned My Life Upside Down

It has been a long time since I last posted in my blog. That is because 12 days ago on  Saturday, September 15th a horrific tragedy struck my family. I was in New Jersey visiting my family. I joined my parents for Sabbath services and while walking to the house of dear family friends for lunch, a driver lost control of her car, went up on the curb and hit my parents, our friends and myself. Me and our two friends were badly hurt and my parents were killed.

My Parents

We left the synagogue after services and started walking with a large group of friends towards our friend's house. I was actually walking a bit ahead of everyone and my mom sped up to catch up with me. Me and my mom were just chatting about nothing particular as the large group followed behind.

When we reached the first corner me and my mom stopped and let the group catch up. As the reached the corner I could see that everyone was standing around my dad and they were hanging on his every word. My dad had an amazing, out going personality and he was often the center of attention because people loved to hear him speak. One of our friends said to me, "can you tell your father to move faster? I'm hungry and I want to get home." I smiled and replied, "you cannot bother my father while he is holding court." My mom was tired of waiting as well and continued to walk and called for me to follow. 

While walking the next block, me and my mom spoke about her really cool new shoes for a bit and one of the friends followed closely behind. Behind him was my dad, the other friend and the group that was slowly shrinking as people turned down different directions towards their homes. I loved talking with my mom. We could talk about anything for hours. No matter what we talked about, whether it be shoes or life decisions, my mom was fully invested in the conversation. For her, the subject wasn't necessarily as important as the participants. She didn't care what me and her were speaking about, she just loved every moment we spent together.

There was a short lull in the conversation and my mom started talking with her friend. I thought to myself how much fun me and my parents were having during my visit and how thankful I was that we had gotten past all of our issues. I knew how hard it was for my parents to accept me as not religious and gay, yet they loved me so much that our relationship had been saved and was as strong as ever. 

My father and the friend walking with him must have sped up, because we all reached the corner together. The five of us crossed the street together. When we reached the next corner, we started talking about an abandoned building on the corner. Me and my parents friends were a bit ahead of my parents who were now walking together, slightly behind us. My father started to talk and I looked back at him and saw him pointing at something on the building. I looked forward to see what my father was pointing at when suddenly I felt the most horrid pain. The pain was so strong, the only thought that went through my head was that I was being killed - that I was dead.

Next think I knew, I was on my back, looking up at the sky in horrible pain.I was not sure if I was dreaming or awake. I tried to move but couldn't. I started to scream out for help and because of the pain and people arrived on the scene. Because I was the only conscious victim, everyone ignored me at first and went to help the others. Eventually, EMTs (medics) arrived and started to help me. The one holding my head said "sir, you have been hit by a car." I was shocked. How did a car hit us? We were on the sidewalk. I noticed one of my parents friends next to me on the ground being treated as he screamed out for his wife.

I kept screaming and asking if my parents were OK, but they just kept telling me that they were there to help me. The fire department came and cut some wire that had fallen from a pole and landed on me. I was the last one taken away from the scene.
I was brought to the ER with my elbow broken into pieces and open, along with a broken ankle. I was told I would need multiple surgeries and that the first one was an emergency that could not wait. And after hours of asking every nurse and doctor that I saw about my parents, I was told that neither of them had survived.

And just like that, in a single moment, my world was shattered. My parents were wonderful people and amazing, loving parents and they had been taken from me and my sister. My two sets of grandparents each lost a child. Family and friends lost two people that they loved and cared for dearly.

After 3 surgeries, I am now in rehab. And even though I am in horrible pain and face a long road to recovery, I'm grateful that I was with my parents until the last moment of their lives. And even though it is very scary, I am thankful that I remember pretty much everything. I will forever remember being with my amazing parents until the last seconds of their lives. I would not trade that for anything.
I love and miss them more than words can express.

Fear of Flying and Falling

At the moment I am sitting in Ben-Gurion International Airport waiting for my flight to New Jersey. When I was little, I use to love to fly. Through most of my life, my father would win trips from work and I was lucky enough to get to travel with my parents around the US and a bit internationally as well.

I remember before my fist flight ever when I was about 6 years old or so, I told my grandmother that I was scared to fly. She explained to me that flying is extremely safe, even safer than cars. I was very surprised by this, and even though at six years old I had no understanding of statistics, the information was trustworthy enough to rid me of my fears. During that first flight, I insisted on sitting by the window and looking outside the entire time.

Fast forward a few years. By the time I was a teenager, around 14 years old, I had had the idea of the "fear of god" drilled into me. On top of that, I was racked with guilt over my attraction to men and the fact that I, like every 14 year old masturbated. I was taught that these two "sins" were amongst the worse things that a person could do and that the punishment for them was death. Not only that, I was told that the punishment for "wasting seed" was that you could never get into heaven. At the time, the idea of godly punishment and heaven were extremely real to me and I lived in fear of being smitten by an angry god.

So scared! :-/

My fear reached a point that every time I got on a plane I actually expected it to crash. I would spend a good portion of every flight that I was on, mentally begging "god" to spare me. I would make all kinds of deals with "him". I was actually taught to do this by a rabbi that had taught me. He told me that it was a good idea to try and make deals with god, but that they had to be realistic. So I would say to "god" that " should I survive this flight I would not look at men for 30 days and that with "his" help I could go longer." But I also asked "him" to make it easier for me, because such promises were so difficult to fulfill.

Death Plane

Having realized that religion is  make-believe, and a man made invention, I no longer board a plane expecting the worse. In fact, just like when I was a little kid, I try and think of how statistically safe I am flying in order to fight any fears of flying that remain. I do not know if I ever will be completely without fear when flying, because in the end I do not like heights and really really do not like falling. But it is definitely a lot nicer flying now than it was in the past.

To Hide the Pride?

Throughout my life, I have always tried to be proud of how I live my life. Even when I was young, I believed that if I could not be proud of my lifestyle, than there must be something wrong with my lifestyle. I remember that many times when I was younger, my parents would tell me that I should take off my kippa (Jewish skull cap worn by religious males) because we were somewhere that people might not like Jews. This always upset me because I did not think that I had anything to hide.

Fast forward to today and I still have the same attitude about my life. Anyone that knows me or that reads my blog knows that I am very into the idea of gay pride. I have written several posts on the subject. I went to 2 different pride parades this year, one in Tel Aviv and one in Jerusalem. At each one I marched proudly waving my rainbow pride flag. I walk around with a pride pin on my bag and I have a mini Statue of Liberty holding a pride flag in my living room. I also wear a pride bracelet on my arm at all times.

Proud Miss Liberty

My Pride Bracelet

Recently, my mother was visiting Israel and I joined her, my sister and my sister's family for the weekend. At one point, my mom called me to the side and said the following:

"I noticed your bracelet. I get it, I understand it. But please don't wear it around extended family or any of mine and abba's (father's) friends. We just can't deal with that yet". 

As I wrote earlier, since I came out to them, my parents have come such a long way in accepting the fact that I am gay. I do recognize this and I am grateful for their amazing effort. I am also sensitive to how difficult this is for them and considering all this, I agreed not to wear the bracelet when I come to America to visit family for the Jewish holidays. However, I really do hate the idea of having to be dishonest about who I am, just so my parents can save face. And the irony of hiding a pride bracelet is not lost on me.

I know that while visiting them for the high holidays, at least one of their friends will tell me how they know a girl that would be perfect for me and will ask to set me up. (Oh really? you don't say? A girl? For me?) I know members of their synagogue will come over and say things like "how are you not married yet? Are there no nice girls in Israel?" Rather than coming up with some fun, witty response, I will have to put on an act and pretend, just like I did for so many years.

I know it is a very short visit and what my parents friends say and think is really of no consequence. And I really am not looking to make my parent's lives any more difficult or complicated. However, after all those years of denial and hiding, I really hate the idea of having to go back into the closet, even if it is just for a short while.