Friday, April 27, 2012

The Eye of the Beholder

I spent the last day and the half feeling pretty down. The other day was Israeli Independence Day, the most fun holiday in Israel. I was very excited to go out Wednesday evening and party with my friends. I was also very aware of the fact that should I succeed in moving to Hanoi at the end of the year, this was very likely my last Israeli Independence Day as a resident of the country, so I wanted to make it count.

At one point me and my friends made it over to a bar called "Evita", THE gay bar of Tel Aviv. I was having a good time with my friends, trying to dance in my own unique way, when I noticed a cute guy (of course he was Asian) dancing up a storm about 2 yards away from me.  My friends tried to push me in his direction so that I would dance with him, but I balked. I WAS TERRIFIED! My fragile self-esteem could not take rejection.

Later on that evening, drunk and angry at myself for being such a coward, I stepped outside to get some air. A guy who later told me that he was about 50 years old started to talk to me.

Him: "Don't I know you from somewhere"?
Me: "I don't think so".
Him: "I think I do. Didn't you use to be fatter".
Me (very shocked and not knowing whether to be insulted or flattered): "Yes".
(It turns out he had seen me around Bar Ilan University). 
Him: "Well your still fat enough for me, and I like fat guys".

Now I was insulted! Just to make sure I was really insulted, he went on to assume that I was significantly older than I am. That was enough to ruin the whole evening for me, which was a real shame. In my mind I had just been called fat and ugly.

Of course, that is not what happened. What really happened was that someone (granted he was old enough to be my dad) found me attractive and tried to pick me up - granted in a very tactless way, and I rejected him. And why did I reject him? Because I found him to be unattractive (and tactless).

I get upset whenever I am reject based on my looks, so why do I do it to other guys? Everyone always says "it is what is inside that counts", but everyone also knows that that is bologna. The truth is that both the inside and the outside are very important. It is true (and it has happened to me) that when you become attracted to someone's personality, you can become attracted to their looks even if at first you did not find them attractive. But that takes a lot of time. So when first meeting someone, looks are very important.

And while there might be a general consensus that guys like Zac Efron are attractive, looks can be very subjective. There are guys that make me go weak at the knees that my friends think are ugly and vice versa. Beauty can be subjective. Since coming out of the closet, I have been with quite a number of guys (in a very non trashy, not slutty way of course) and the vast majority of them, I found to be very attractive.

                                              To me: GORGEOUS!
                                              To my great friend Ella: Ugly ???



So while I may never be a super model, I am still holding out hope to meet someone that is beautiful on the inside and the outside. The thing I must really work on is my fear of rejection. I cannot become paralyzed with fear whenever I am in a situation to meet someone. So the journey to self improvement continues. I hope I will get to write a post about "the wonderful guy I met" sooner, rather than later.


  1. I just wanna say that i hear you on this post. I for a long time felt really bad about myself. And it got to the point where i had to go see professional help (a psychiatrist) to help me get thrugh a lot of things. One of those things was always feeling very lonely. I have never had a gf... what exacerbated this feeling was that a lot of my good friends were getting married or engaged or in relationships. And I would also be very terrified of rejection and thus would never approach any girl.

    And i thought to myself that i cant continue to think like that anymore... I made a big switch in the way i think about life. I started to not care anymore what happens; not to care about rejection. this switch in my head has really helped me approach peopleand talk withthem.
    This really helped me find the girl i just started seeing now. We both feel its long term.

    Maybe a switch in your way of thinking will help you overcome your fears of rejection...

    Just sharing my $0.02

    Great blog, Ami

  2. Thanks for sharing your experience. I have to say I am very much trying to work on myself, but it is a struggle. Thanks for reading as well :)

    1. Remember ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD!! if you can get around that, youre golden

  3. He probably could have worded what was meant to be a compliment a little better. And looks are important. At the end of the day we all want someone with a great personality, but we are also very instinctual. We first gravitate toward what we find visually attractive.

  4. Agree Malissa.
    Thanks for reading and posting :)