Thursday, August 2, 2012

Confessions of an Insomniac

Lately I have been suffering from insomnia. I will have 2,3 or 4 sleepless nights in a row. This is followed by a night in which I pass out and cannot even wake up in the morning. I wake up after 12 hours of sleep and then the cycle repeats itself. It would be wonderful if I could put all these extra "awake hours" to good use. I have a thesis that is due soon, a seminar paper, summer classes and tests for which I need to study. But no, this time is waste. I am too tired and frustrated to focus on anything important. Instead I lay awake in bed frustrated, hoping to fall asleep.

For as long as I can remember, I always had trouble falling asleep. On average, it would take me an hour or 2 of lying in bed to actually fall asleep. But I use to enjoy the time in bed, surrounded by the darkness and left to my thoughts. When I was little I would imagine I was a super hero or something fun like that. When I got older I used to fantasize about becoming an amazing, professional hockey player (quite the fantasy), or about romance, and of course about sex. Sometimes I even put the time to good use and I would make plans, or set new goals for myself. So, I was never really bothered by that hour or so that it took me to fall asleep.

But today it is different. It is no longer just an hour or so. I am awake pretty much the whole night. My mind no longer wonders to fantasies and dreams. Rather I get nervous about school. I think of all the work that needs to be done at my job. I wonder why I fall in love with guys that do not love me. I look at the clock and get frustrated at the fact that I am still awake. I count back how many hours are left for me to sleep before I must wake up.

I am not sure why my insomniac nights are such downers. I do have a lot of pressure to meet a number of super important deadlines that are quickly approaching. But other than that things are looking up. Hopefully I will soon graduate from my Masters program. If all goes according to plan, in just a few more months I will be moving to Vietnam and hopefully getting the chance to press the restart button on my life. I have good friends and I live in a wonderful city in which there is always something to do. However, in spite of all this, my sleepless nights remain negative.

I am not sure why I am writing this post. But it is 1:00am and I am lying in bed, dead tired, yet wide awake. Maybe writing about it will put my mind at ease and I will get some sleep. Tomorrow evening is the Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade. I know it will be very different than the Tel Aviv Pride Parade from a few weeks ago. You can be sure there will be a post about that.

Goodnight world and here's hoping I fall asleep soon!