Friday, March 22, 2013

A Letter to my Parents: No. 2

Dear Mommy and Abba,

It has been a tough, emotional week. Since most of the day I just sit at home alone while everyone I know is at work or school, I have lots of time to think. To start with, Monday would have been your birthday Abba. To be honest, I have been so bored, and have had nothing to do, so I rarely look at a calender and am more often than not unaware of the exact date. The day almost slipped by without me noticing that it was in fact March 18th. However, since I had to switch the billing notifications that used  your email to my email, I received a number of "Happy Birthday Ari Horowitz" emails. When I saw these emails, my first reacting was to feel sad and to miss you, which was soon followed by guilt for not realizing up to that point that it was your birthday. Sorry.

Since that day, there has been lots of talk about Pesach (Passover). Everyone is being very sweet and concerned for me. I have been invited to spend the seder (Passover holiday meal) with many different people. While I do appreciate everyone's invitations, I have decided to stay home and skip the seder this year. While I am sure this is not what you would have wanted, I really don't see another option.

Up until this year, I have spent every single seder with you both. Even when I was in the army, I always managed to arrange vacation for the holiday and you flew into Israel so we could spend the holiday together. The idea of sitting at a seder without hearing the songs sung by people other then the two of you is something I really don't think I could handle. I cannot imagine a seder without your Zionist interpretations of the story Abba. And Mommy, who else will whisper back and forth with me about how things are taking too long and we have to speed up?

I remember last year's seder when it was just the three of us at a hotel by the Dead Sea. We discussed that since I was planning to move to Vietnam in December of 2012, that I would have to fly back to Israel for Pesach, 2013so that the whole family could be together for the holiday. It was just so obvious that we would spend the holiday together. I never could have imagined that that would be our last Pesach together.

So, while I know that you would prefer that I would agree to join a different seder this year, I would much rather simply ignore the holiday as best as I can. If I were to go to another seder, I imagine that I would just be sad the entire time and that would not be nice for me or my hosts.

I really miss the both of you very much. Now that I am back in Israel, I still find myself every Friday (including today) anticipating a phone call at 2pm, just like you had done almost every Friday over the last 10 years. I miss talking to you and seeing you. It will never feel normal that you are not around anymore. You will always be missing.

I am about to take a big step in my life when I move to Vietnam in 19 days from now. I know that this was a dream of mine that made you both very apprehensive, but at the same time you supported me because you knew that it was important to me. It is going to be very hard not being able to share this with you.

All I can say is that no matter what happens in my future, I will always be thinking of you both. And I guess that in some twisted, psychological way that will be my way of continuing to share my life with you even though you are gone. It will have to do.

I will love you both forever,

Ami

My Parents

7 comments:

  1. I ache for you and your loss. It has been a loss to all of us who knew your parents and loved them, but none so much as you and Natanya. Your parents left a big whole in our hearts and our lives. If you were here I'd jump up and give you the biggest hug ever. Please come "home" to EB if you do not find what you are looking for in Vietnam. There is always a place for you here.

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  3. Thank you for allowing us to listen. Your posts really matter. Keep writing. As I felt sadness reading your words, I wished that what I was feeling was directly able to lessen your sadness. I know it doesn't work that way, but I wish it did.
    Please keep posting.
    xo

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  4. You do whatever you need to do on pesach. Be kind to yourself, as they would have been. ::hugs::

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  5. Your parents are so missed by us as well. I would always seem to be meeting them either in the makolet here in Mitzpe Nevo or by the rental car in front of the houseas they were always going somewhere.Ari's love for Israel and Maaleh adumim was and is legend.I totally understand your need to do what you have to and surely tomorrow night your mind will wander as to how it was in years past.I certainly hope that at some point tomorrow night,a smile will cross your face or even a chuckle,remembering things your parents and you did and shared during previous sedarim. I could surely see your mom whispering to you about moving it along,just like I can always picture your Abba,shmoozing and "dreying" because that was him.thank you for letting me recapture a moment with friends I sorely miss.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am touched that you read my blog and hope you will continue to do so.
      Ami

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