Sharp Turn Ahead

I used to have very specific long term dreams. When I was a young teenager, my dream was to move to Israel, join the army and become a career officer. In the end, I moved to Israel, joined the army, realized that I hated every second of being in the army, and dumped the idea of becoming an officer.  My next dream was to go study at a university, get into a graduate program as quickly as possible, and start a career in academia. And of course, the idea of being a successful academic was part of a larger dream of building a life for myself in Israel. In the end, I started my studies as soon as I possibly could, signed up for a joint BA/MA program, learned that I did not enjoy the world of academia and dropped the idea of becoming an academic.And the longer I lived in Israel, the more I realized, I really do not like living in Israel.

Is anyone else noticing a pattern here? Some might say that I am a quitter. I would disagree with them because while I moved on from ideas that no longer made me happy, I never quit. I finished my army service, I finished my schooling and I've lived in Israel for 10 years.

When I used to hear about people that were "trying to find themselves", I would feel very superior. I used to be so sure that I knew who I was and where I wanted to go. What were these "flakes" doing traveling to India or some other seemingly random exotic country to find selves? I always knew who I was, how could someone not know who they are? What did it mean to "find one's self"?

It turns out that I was not superior. Nor did I know myself. Anyone that knows me, or has read this blog knows how true that is. I once thought I was a heterosexual, religious guy. I have since "realized" (grown?) that I am a homosexual, secular guy. I used to be someone who's identity was deeply rooted in Jewish nationalism and I have since realized that I am an intense individualist. I used to be someone with very specific long term dreams. I am now a person that has no idea what I want to do, or where I want to be in the long run.

In 23 days, my 10 and a half years of living in Israel will be coming to an end and I will be moving across Asia to Vietnam. Why? Because I want to (that is the easiest answer). And because I am on a journey to find myself. (I know, I am such a flake!) I am starting a new chapter with the hope that this change will make me happier and that maybe I will learn some more about myself and where where I want to go.

When I started this blog, the main idea was to write about my leaving religion, and my coming out as gay. I chose the name "Off the Path and onto the Road" because it symbolized the orthodox Jewish view of me going astray from the "religious path" and my view of starting to proceed on my own road. Those chapters in my life are over for now and my road is leading to other new adventures.

 While I am sure I will continue to write about religion on occasion, I assume there will be less motivation once I am in Vietnam. I assume that the main focus of my writing will be about being a stranger in a strange land (extra points to those that get the Bible reference) and my continues search for happiness and love. I do hope that my readers that have followed me along my road thus far will continue to follow me as the road takes a drastically different shape. And as always, I am deeply touched by each and every one of you that reads what I have to share. Thank you.

A Letter to my Friends

To my dear friend, _________________

The last few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster. It was not a simple time in my life or for anyone close to me. But you, my amazing friend stuck by me.

 It all began with what many saw as my abrupt exit from Judaism, which was actually the culmination of years of struggle and confusion. While many stood in judgement of me and some even cut me from their life, you stood by me as I learned to see the world through new eyes.

Of course the next major change in my life was not easy either. When I first told you that I was gay, you may or may not have been surprised. But you saw how terrified I was to share this once deep secret. Without missing a beat, you hugged me and told me that I had nothing to fear. You said that you loved me and that anyone else that loved me would continue to do so, no matter what. You once again stood by me as I learned more about myself then ever before. 

And of course you are still with me today, as I struggle through the most difficult calamity and change in my life. When that horrid person lost control of her car and killed my parents, while severely injuring myself and two loved ones, you rushed to my side. You were practically tripping over yourself trying to figure out how else you could help. You are here to help me deal with my emotional trauma and to support me through the healing process for my physical injuries. I do not know how I would get through all this without your loving friendship. 

I would like to tell you how much you mean to me, but the words simply do not exist. You are an amazing, wonderful person and I love you very much. If it was not for you, I do not how my life would look, but I am sure it would worse off.

Thank you for everything.

Love,

Your friend forever, Ami

A Big Anniversary

The other day was an important anniversary for me. On August 14^th, 2011 I told my parents that I was gay. It was an extremely difficult day for all of us. While I my parents told me they loved me and would never cut me off, they cried a lot and had a very difficult time grasping the game changing news.

For me it was the point of no return. I was out of the closet and going to live my life as an openly gay man. My parents knew and I was hoping that there was a way that we could be as close as ever in spite of all that had just happened. So as shocking, scary and difficult as that day was, I really hoped that things would eventually improve.

For a while it was difficult. The subject often felt like the pink elephant in the room that no one wanted to talk about. When the subject did come up, my parents approached it in a very somber and sad way. Of course I understood - I had really shaken up their world.

But the good news is that things did improve. A few months ago my mom called me to tell me that she had read a good review about a café in Tel Aviv that was known as a popular hangout for gay guys in the city. This was a huge step! Not only did she recommend a gay hang out to me, it was a non-Kosher restaurant. Just a year earlier, when I was in Vietnam and I posted pictures of good food I had been eating, my dad called me saying that they could not handle seeing pictures on non-Kosher food that I ate. Now, my mom was recommending this café. Why? Because she loves me and thought I would enjoy it.

A few months later, after there was a sudden wave ofhomophobic comments being made by a few Israeli politicians, my mom called me and we discussed how she and my dad thought what was being said was horrible. A year earlier, I am not sure my parents would have disagreed with the statement that gays should be banned from serving in the army. Now my parents said to me that they think gays should be allowed to serve. What a turnaround!

Over the last year I have learned that my parents love for me is great enough and strong enough that they can learn to accept that I am gay and even change some of their preconceived ideas about gays. Are things perfect? No. But they are better and I am sure things will continue to improve. I am very lucky to have such great, loving parents and I love them very much.

My Complicated Relationship with my Parents and the American Elections

My parents took my leaving the religious Jewish life style very badly. At first there was a lot of crying, screaming and some nasty things were said. For about a year and a half after I told them, things were very awkward between us. They kept me in their lives because they loved me, but they were terrified that any of their friends might find out that I was not religious. So while I knew they loved me (and they told me this often), I also felt that they were embarrassed by me and ashamed of me.

After this difficult and harsh reaction, I expected the worse when I told them I was gay. But my parents surprised me. While this news was very hard for them to handle, they knew that it was not something they could change and that since they wanted me in their life, they would have to figure out a way to live with me being gay. And today, I am happy to say that my relationship with my parents is better than it has been in years. We get along well and are able to spend a lot of time together. Not everything is perfect. They obviously still do not want their friends and our extended family to know that I am not religious or that I am gay, but I have made my peace with that issue. It is their problem, not mine. But all in all, for the first time in years, I feel comfortable and no longer out of place when I am with my parents.

The one subject that seems to get me very uncomfortable and pretty upset when talking with my parents is actually the US presidential elections. My parents are hardcore Republicans. They believe Obama is utter evil and his election would mean "the end of democracy in America". While I am no fan of Obama and cannot imagine that I would ever vote for him, I could also never vote for Romney and the Republicans. How could I vote for people that campaign on hate? How could I vote for someone that supports amending the US Constitution with a homophobic clause?

I know that you all must be thinking, "just don't talk politics". But the politics are just the microcosm. What really hurts me is that my parents can support someone that says I should NEVER be able to marry who I love (FYI, Romney is also against civil unions). I really hope that one day I will be lucky enough to find a guy that loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. It hurts to know that my parents would not want to see any such relationship recognized at marriage. It hurts to know that they would want that written into the law. It is beyond my understanding how my parents can love me as much as they do and still support such a law. I cannot fathom how millions of people around the country that I have never met, could be fighting for my (and of course millions of other's) right to marry and my own parents that love me would be against it.

I know my parents are Orthodox Jews and that Orthodox Judaism will never recognize gay marriage. Frankly, I do not care. If you believe in some bronze age book of myths and rules that cannot change, that is your right. But the government does not work off that book. The US government is suppose to be about freedom and equality before the law. So just like my parents would recognize any man and woman they know as civilly married if some judge said it was so, I would hope they could do the same for me. But that is not the case. Any love that me and some guy might share someday, will never be good enough in my parents eyes to receive the title "marriage" and I do not understand why.

The Day I Told My Parents

From the moment I first started to tell my friends I am gay, I knew that an invisible countdown had started until the day I would have to tell my parents. I did not know how they would take the news. They had reacted much worse than I ever expected when I told them that I was no longer religious. I thought that this bit of information might push them over the edge.

As time passed the reasons for my apprehension grew. My parents decided one night to sit me down and tell me that if I ever were to marry a non Jewish girl, our relationship would be over. During that talk, I thought about telling them that they need not worry about me marrying any kinda girl, but I did not know if that would make things worse or what. On the one hand I would not be intermarrying in a form of marriage they would recognize. On the other hand, I was gay. Over the years, I had heard my parents use anti-gay slurs in conversation. But I had discovered while coming out to friends that while people might not like "gays" in theory, once a close friend comes out to them, they get over it. Would this hold true for my parents as well?

I decided I would put off having this particular conversation with them as long as possible. More so, I decided I would wait for them to ask me. I wanted to avoid the drama of a big coming out announcement. As time passed I would drop hints, hoping that they would understand and bring up the subject. Dropping hints was easy. Being a 26 year old guy from an orthodox Jewish family, the topic of dating and marriage is brought up very often. Whereas once I would be very open and honest about my dating life, I started to give very vague answers. I would say things like, "That part of my life is private", or simply "don't worry about that".

Of course, with every passing month my fear grew. I started having nightmares about their reaction to the news. Sometimes they would kick me out of the family. Other times they would get depressed, lose their sanity and their lives would be destroyed.  While I knew most of these dreams were not realistic, they still added to my fear. I could not work up the courage to tell them and continued to wait for them to ask.

In the summer of 2011 I made my trip to Vietnam. Every few days I would post pictures online so that my friends and family could see. I knew my parents were expecting/scared that I would meet a Vietnamese girl while traveling. But none of the pictures I ever posted showed me with any girls, just guys. I knew that, coupled with the other "hints" would finally get my parents to suspect that I am gay. I started to get myself emotionally prepared for the conversation that I knew was coming when I would get back to Israel.

A few days after I got back, my family was moving apartments. For some reason I "knew" that my parents were going to bring it up in the middle of the move. And sure enough, while I was unpacking boxes in my new room, my dad came in and closed the door. He said that he had a question and he couldn't not know the answer to it any more. He asked, "Are you not interested in girls? It might be none of my business, but I have to know". I answered that it is OK to ask and that it is true that I am not interested in girls. I told him that I tried to be, but I just wasn't. He hugged me and said that it will be OK and that he still loves me. He then went to the old apartment to tell my mom.

After he brought my mom back to the new house, my dad came upstairs and told me that my mom was waiting for me downstairs. I was so scared. I waited a few minutes to work up my courage to go downstairs. When I finally did, I saw my mom sitting on the couch crying. I sat next to her and we talked for a little bit. When she calmed down she said that she still loves me no matter what.

After that I left the house and wandered around the neighborhood calling friends. I really don't remember much. I remember the fiends that I spoke to, Ben, Ella, David Avishai, Hoang, and I remember they were all helpful. But I do not remember what we said to each other. That day was very difficult, but I am glad it is behind me. Today, my relationship with my parents is better than it has been in a long time and I no longer have to hide anything from them. I hope with time, things will continue to improve and that some day, I will have a family of my own that my parents will love and accept.

Coming Out

Once I finally excepted the fact that I was gay, I felt this internal need to tell people. Here was this hugely significant piece of information about myself, and no one in the world new about it, not even my closest of friends. Of course at the same time, I was terrified to tell anyone. For a while, I continued to keep it a secret, but eventually I just had to tell someone. I decided that I could tell specific people that I was the most sure would be able to accept it, and that way hopefully control the potential backlash. I also had to make sure that in no way the information could get back to my family. That would have been the worst thing possible. They were still having a lot of trouble with the fact that I was no longer religious. I could not even begin to imagine how they would react to learning that I was gay.

To be perfectly honest, at this point I believed that I was bisexual. I had still not been able to understand the difference between recognizing a girl to be beautiful and being attracted to her. (This would take me a bit longer and actually sexual/romantic interaction with guys). But the first few people that I came out to, I did so proclaiming to be bisexual.

The first person I decided I was going to tell was my life long friend, Ben. I know lots of people use the term "life long friend", but in mine and Ben's case, this is very accurate. We were at one another's first birthday party. 26 years later we are still very close. I knew that I could trust him with the fact that I was interested in men. Ben lives in the US, so we would talk mostly over chat. At the time we had been talking a bit more often because he had been helping me through the process of leaving religious Judaism. Having gone through the process himself a few years earlier, he was a huge help. I knew I could trust him with this as well.

One night, while discussing religion over the internet, I steered the conversation towards the direction of dating and attraction. I remember being terrified. I don't know why I was so scared. At no time did I think Ben would react badly to the information. I knew our friendship was very strong and I knew Ben was one of the most tolerant people you could find. I talked around the subject for a while, slightly hinting where I was going with it, until finally I just said it, "I am attracted to guys." My heart was racing a million miles an hour. It was as if by telling someone, it became more real. Ben was as understanding and accepting as I had thought he would be. I don't remember exactly what he told me, but I remember he was able to get me to calm down. Everyone in life should have a friend like I have in Ben.

Over the next few months, I hand picked each and every person I told. Each time I told a new friend, I was terrified. But each time it got a little bit easier. I kept a list of everyone I told, hoping I could control the spread of this information. Of course I knew that the information was out there and it could not be taken back. I had know way of knowing who repeated what to whom. But those first few friends were so supportive. They kept me sane during one of the most turbulent and unstable times in my life. I will forever be  grateful for their support.

I would like to take this opportunity to put into writing my thanks to each of these great friends by name. Thank you Ben, Ella, Ariella, Dan, Shai and Shani. Of course, with time I told more and more of my friends and they were all wonderfully  accepting. But you guys were the first few and your support and love will always be remembered and I will always be grateful :)