Goodbye Israel: A Breakup Letter

Dear Israel,

There is no nice way to say this, but it is time we ended our relationship. Even though we have been together for 10 and half years, I am sure that this break up does not come as a surprise to you. For quite a while now, I have obviously not been happy with this relationship. Nothing good can come from continuing down this path. I am sorry.

This is not to say that it was always bad. I remember the first time we met. I was very young, just 10 years old. It really was love at first sight. I told my parents that I didn't want to go home and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. They told me that I was too young and that I had to wait until I was older. I was disappointed and sad, but I swore to myself that the second I was old enough, we would be together.

Love at First Sight 

Over the next few years, I visited you a number of times, and each time my love for you only grew. I could not wait to finish high school so that I would be old enough and I could go off and be with you. And that is exactly what I did. 3 months after graduating, we were finally together.

At first things were very good. I was still very much in love and in my eyes, you could do no wrong. But then slowly things started to change. You became very demanding and made everything difficult for no reason. Nothing I ever did for you was good enough. And you always managed to back out of any support that you promised to give me in return for all I was doing for you. I left everything I knew to be with you, and you did not appreciate me. I was very nearly killed protecting you, and you still continued to treat me like I was not doing enough for you.

I tried to stick by you, I really did. But as I grew up and matured, you rejected the changes I made in my life.I began to see the world a little differently then you do and for you, this was completely unacceptable. You made sure that there were consequences for my falling out of line. You began to treat me as if I was less. Why? After all I had done for you and all I had given you, why couldn't you accept me as I am?

It was at this point that I decided that we could no longer be together. I had put your happiness ahead of my own for too long and that is not a sacrifice I am willing to make any more. And quite frankly, you do not deserve that kind of dedication. You screwed me over every opportunity you got. But this is where it ends.

I am sure we will still see each other. After all, we have many mutual friends. And maybe it does say something positive about you that so many of my great friends love you so much. But, I do not feel the same. So...Goodbye

Sharp Turn Ahead

I used to have very specific long term dreams. When I was a young teenager, my dream was to move to Israel, join the army and become a career officer. In the end, I moved to Israel, joined the army, realized that I hated every second of being in the army, and dumped the idea of becoming an officer.  My next dream was to go study at a university, get into a graduate program as quickly as possible, and start a career in academia. And of course, the idea of being a successful academic was part of a larger dream of building a life for myself in Israel. In the end, I started my studies as soon as I possibly could, signed up for a joint BA/MA program, learned that I did not enjoy the world of academia and dropped the idea of becoming an academic.And the longer I lived in Israel, the more I realized, I really do not like living in Israel.

Is anyone else noticing a pattern here? Some might say that I am a quitter. I would disagree with them because while I moved on from ideas that no longer made me happy, I never quit. I finished my army service, I finished my schooling and I've lived in Israel for 10 years.

When I used to hear about people that were "trying to find themselves", I would feel very superior. I used to be so sure that I knew who I was and where I wanted to go. What were these "flakes" doing traveling to India or some other seemingly random exotic country to find selves? I always knew who I was, how could someone not know who they are? What did it mean to "find one's self"?

It turns out that I was not superior. Nor did I know myself. Anyone that knows me, or has read this blog knows how true that is. I once thought I was a heterosexual, religious guy. I have since "realized" (grown?) that I am a homosexual, secular guy. I used to be someone who's identity was deeply rooted in Jewish nationalism and I have since realized that I am an intense individualist. I used to be someone with very specific long term dreams. I am now a person that has no idea what I want to do, or where I want to be in the long run.

In 23 days, my 10 and a half years of living in Israel will be coming to an end and I will be moving across Asia to Vietnam. Why? Because I want to (that is the easiest answer). And because I am on a journey to find myself. (I know, I am such a flake!) I am starting a new chapter with the hope that this change will make me happier and that maybe I will learn some more about myself and where where I want to go.

When I started this blog, the main idea was to write about my leaving religion, and my coming out as gay. I chose the name "Off the Path and onto the Road" because it symbolized the orthodox Jewish view of me going astray from the "religious path" and my view of starting to proceed on my own road. Those chapters in my life are over for now and my road is leading to other new adventures.

 While I am sure I will continue to write about religion on occasion, I assume there will be less motivation once I am in Vietnam. I assume that the main focus of my writing will be about being a stranger in a strange land (extra points to those that get the Bible reference) and my continues search for happiness and love. I do hope that my readers that have followed me along my road thus far will continue to follow me as the road takes a drastically different shape. And as always, I am deeply touched by each and every one of you that reads what I have to share. Thank you.

The Last Month

It has been about a month since I left America to come back to Israel, and since I last wrote here in my blog. I would like to apologize for not writing as often as I had in the past. But the truth is I have not had much to write about and have had a major lack of inspiration. Simply put, my life has been pretty uneventful lately. But this will all change soon...

Now that I am back in Israel, I am slowly closing up my life here. I am finishing up my degree and dealing with banking issues and Israeli bureaucracy. These are hardly the types of events that lead to great blog posts.

While I originally thought that I would go back to work when I got back to Israel, I returned to find out that there was no room for me at my old job, nor could I find a new job for the  2 months that I had left in Israel. So most of the time, I am simply bored.

However, in exactly one month from today, I will be taking the next major step in my life's journey. On April 9th I will board a plane and will be moving to Viet Nam. While this move was planned over two years ago, it has gained considerable significance over the last half year. Six months ago my life was forever changed when my parents were killed and I was badly injured in a freak car accident. For those that have been following my blog, they know that over the last few months I have struggled with coming to grips with the loss my parents, facing my own mortality, and trying to find a positive out look on my future.

From Israel to Viet Nam

This move to Viet Nam offers me a new beginning. Of course a real new beginning is not possible. I will always be who I am and I will always have experienced what I have experienced. But now I am going to a completely new country, with a different culture, different challenges and different possibilities. I will be looking for a new job and meeting new people. And anyone that knows me, knows that I have not been happy with life in Israel for some time now.I am hoping that this drastic change of setting will help me find the happiness for which I am so intensely looking.

Hanoi, Viet Nam - Where I will be moving to

Life in Hanoit should prove to be very different then life in Tel Aviv or New Jersey

Now begins my last month in Israel. I hope that it will present me with more interesting and inspiring experiences so that I can update this blog more often. But if it does not, I am sure that my move across the globe on April 9th with lead to some interesting posts. So stay tuned!

Jerusalem Pride Parade

Yesterday was the 10th annual Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade. People that do not know much about Jerusalem might not realize how significant it is that there is a pride parade in the city that is holy to Judaism. Christianity and Islam. So here is some background.

For around two thousand years, Jews, Christians and Muslims and been killing each other over the ownership of the city. However, the three religions seem to be able to find common ground and work together when it comes to the issue of gay pride in the city. Every year since the first parade in 2002, the radical religious groups in the city and from around the world try and do everything they can to stop the parade from happening. In 2005, one particular nutcase rushed into a group of marchers with a knife, stabbing 3 people. In 2006. the threat of violence against the parade was so great that the police said they could not guarantee the safety of the participants. So the parade was moved to a stadium and no spectators were aloud.

Besides Jerusalem's special significance to the 3 major monotheistic religions, it has a large personal significance as well. I lived in Jerusalem or in its suburbs for around 8 years. When I dreamed of coming to Israel as a young boy to" fulfill my religious and nationalistic duties", I dreamed of the city of Jerusalem. When I first started to leave the religion, living in Jerusalem made it very difficult. The secular community of Jerusalem is shrinking and it lives in the shadows of the growing ultra-orthodox communities. When I would tell people that I did not believe in god, they would look at me like I was a total lunatic. The city life also revolves around religious life, meaning that from Friday night to Saturday night pretty much everything is closed and all you can do is stay home.

Coming out as gay in Jerusalem was even more difficult. For about a year I worked as a security guard at Jerusalem's Hebrew University. It was not uncommon to see some of my coworkers make fun of openly gay students. On a number of occasions, I heard coworkers announce how they would refuse to work side by side a gay security guard. Needless to say, I was always very worried that someone at work would find out I was gay. So Jerusalem became a symbol of my old religious, closeted life.I could not wait to get away and move to a more tolerant city like Tel Aviv.

Today, when I go back to Jerusalem to visit and I see all the men dressed in black and all the women with their hair covered and in long heavy clothes in the summer, I think to myself "how was this ever a part of my life? I am so glad I got away from it and can live my life freely and in a way that will make me happy".So now going back to Jerusalem for a pride parade, I was looking forward to celebrating how far I had come in the last few years.

You can be sure that the Jerusalem Pride Parade is very different than most other parades. It is more of a protest than a celebration. The sidewalks were not full with cheerful spectators rooting the marchers on, rather the sidewalks were pretty empty. There were a few people clapping here and there. There where a few people making rude hand gestures. But mostly there was just police.

My personal highlight was when the parade passed by "Hachel Shlomo", the offices of the Israeli Chief Rabbanit. The chief rabbis are among the leaders of the anti-Jerusalem pride parade camp. They say how having LGBTQ people march in the "holy city" is a desecration. But there I was, marching past their offices anyways. Tolerance had beaten superstition and hate. For years religion made me deny and feel ashamed about being gay. And now I was marching in a gay pride parade, holding a rainbow pride flag, in Jerusalem, right under the noses of the intolerant and hateful rabbis. What a feeling!

That is me holding my flag during the parade. The tall building with the dome in the background, is  "Hachel Shlomo", the offices of the Israeli Chief Rabbani   

The Value of a Life

Six years ago, during the summer of 2006 Israel went to war with Lebanon. Actually that is not true. Israel went to war with a terrorist organization called Hezbollah that has its bases in Lebanon. This terror group ambushed a border patrol and took 2 dead soldiers hostage. The Israeli government panicked, overreacted and went to war in order to retrieve the two bodies.

At the time, I was a member of the communications platoon in an armored battalion. We were on maneuvers up near the border when the war started, so we were one of the first units mobilized. I hadn't always been in communications. I had trained to be a tank driver but due to an injury, I was reassigned to a second line position. While I was no longer serving in the tanks, I still had friends that were. One friend was named Kobi. He was picked to by the gunner in the battalion commander's tank.

Kobi was very excited to have been chosen to by the battalion commander's gunner. When the ground invasion started, he would be in the command tank. I remember the night he went into Lebanon, me and him were sitting around talking. He was telling me how energized and nervous he was about the invasion. I remember saying to him "kill some terrorists for me" and I wished him luck. With that we said goodnight.

The next morning, I woke up early and I ran over to the command center to ask if there had been any injuries over the night. I was told no. But not a second later I started hearing screaming and yelling over the radio. I heard people screaming "what was that?!" and many explosions. I was sent away so as to not be in the way. There was a few hours of confusion where no one seemed to know what was going on. I had my cell phone and I called my parents in the US and asked them and their friends to pray for me and my friends. But a few hours later I was told that Kobi had been killed. His tank had drove up onto a huge landmine and was blown apart.

A few days later, I was among the people sent home from the unit to attend Kobi's funeral. I remember having this horrible feeling at the funeral. It was not normal sadness, it was more complicated than that. Since I had been a little kid I had seen war movies and thought they were exciting and fun. I had dreamed of being a soldier. I used to fantasize about leading troops into battle and destroying the enemy. And now I was at the funeral of one soldier and I was surrounded by hundreds of bereaved family and friends. I could not comprehend how this event happens hundreds, thousands, MILLIONS of times over in other wars.

Why is life worth so little? Why are we so quick to send people to die, to volunteer to go die, or to kill some one else? I am not a pacifist, but in many cases it is just unbearably frustrating what people are willing to die and kill over; religion, land, political philosophies, money. I cannot figure out for what Kobi and the other 118 Israeli soldiers that were killed sacrificed their lives. Because a bunch of under-qualified politicians didn't know how to react to a minor incident? Thousands of Lebanese people were killed because some irresponsible, fanatically religious group decided to attack a more powerful country. What a waste.

I have written this before, but I think it bares repeating. When people focus all of their energies on a make believe fairy land called "heaven" that can only be reached after death, they are devaluing their actual lives. When you tell people from the time they are little children that "this life is full of turmoil" but the next world is perfect and amazing, why should they not throw away their lives in the hope of leaving turmoil and reaching perfection? And if you tell them they have an automatic ticket to heaven just by taking down some "heathens" with them, they are that much more tempted.

One of the best things that happened to me when I stopped believing in Judaism is that I stopped focusing on what will happen after I am dead. I stopped being afraid of "god" sending me to hell. I was able to focus on my real life and trying to make that as good as I can. Life is so valuable. People should stop treating it like it is cheap.

Zionism, Nationalism and all the Jazz

I was brought up with what I would call a very "radical" Zionist, world view and values. My parents were admirers of the slain extreme right-wing leader Meir Kahane. The short version of the "Kahanist" world view is as follows.
1. "God" gave the land of Israel to the Jewish people and we must retake it by force to bring the messiah.

2. The world is divided into two groups, Jews and those that hate or will hate Jews.

3. The Jewish government of Israel should be based on Jewish religious law.

4. There is no place for non Jews in Israel.
When people would sit around and discuss how we thought the Israeli-Palestinian conflict could be solved, me and my family would paraphrase Kahane and say "the nice ones (Arabs) can leave on air conditioned buses". Growing up, I believed in this world view 100%.

As I wrote before, I moved to Israel at 17 to fulfill the Zionist mission. I wanted to join the army and fight Israel's enemies. I voted for political parties that advocated the transfer of Arabs from Israel as part of a finale "peace" plane. I believed anyone that did not agree with the world view that I was brought up with was at best not a real Zionist, and at worst a traitor. Radical Zionism was a huge part of my upbringing and a huge part of who I was. My feeling of Israeli nationalism was second to none.

When I first told my parents that I was no longer religious, one of the first things they said to me was, "so you are no longer a Zionist?!" I was hurt by this accusation. Of course I was still a Zionist. I thought that was such an absurd thing to say. What did god have to do with nationalism? There were plenty of secular Zionists in Israel. Israel was built by secular Zionists. Nationalism exists in literally every country on earth and often has little or nothing to do with religion.


But as time passed, and I started to apply my new rational, humanistic and realistic values to more and more topics, my feelings of nationalism faded. I stopped seeing the world as divided into arbitrary groups. What is the difference between a Jew, an Arab, a German, or an Indian? We are all human. I do not feel a need to only be around people that are similar looking to me, or have a similar social/genetic background. There are non Jews in the world that I love very dearly. Why am I less connected to them than I am to some Jewish person living far away from me that I never met?


I realize now that my parents were right, religion was an important part of my Zionism for two reasons. The first reason was that it gave me the "Jews vs. the world" attitude. Second, it allowed me to believe that there was an end to the conflict. I believed that if Israel just did x,y and z, the messiah would come and everything would be perfect. Today, I realize that as long as the conflict is about who's fairy tails are more "accurate", the conflict will never end.


So where do I stand today? I do think that Israel has a right to exists and should exist. Sadly most of the world still sees humanity as divided into different groups; nations, religions, races, ethnicity, etc. These make-believe divisions are the sources of many wars, conflicts and genocides around the world. If Israel did not exists, Jews would be a lot more vulnerable to another genocide, just like the many genocides that happened through out the history of the Jewish religion. However, this does not justify Israel mistreating Arabs or any other non Jews. I think that as long as religion is such a powerful force in the Middle East and the world, this conflict will never end. And frankly, I think that shows how pathetic humanity is sometimes.

A Dangerous New Trend

In the last few weeks there has been a disgusting (yet not surprising) new trend among some of Israel's "elite" to publicly trash gays. The first shot was fired my a member of the Kenneset (Israel's parliament) named Anastassia Michaeli. She said that most gays were abused as children and grow up as depressed people who commit suicide by the age of 40. She also expressed alarm at the fact that her children can hear about gays when they watch TV. A few days later, another member of the Kenneset by the name of Uri Ariel called on the Israeli Military to stop enlisting gays. His idea is that since "god" wants to kill gays, it is dangerous for them to be around heterosexual soldiers.

It is obvious to anyone with even a tinniest bit of intelligence that the statements made by these two parliamentary is nothing but absolute stupidity. Michaeli could simply see the large number of gays that are around and in public life above the age of 40 and the HUGE amount of gays that were never sexually abused and know that she is wrong. But facts are not that important to someone that just wants to spew hate. And for a religious man, Ariel does not have much faith in his god's aim. Apparently he is worried that he will miss when trying to smite a homosexual and hit a straight soldier. (Never mind the fact that "god" also wants to kill people that don't keep the sabbath and the majority of soldiers in the army do not). But just because both of these people are ridiculously dumb individuals, does not mean that there fame does not give them influence.

In our society, for better or worse, when famous people speak everyone listens. When US President Barak Obama said that he supports marriage equality, polls showed a rise in support for marriage equality across African American communities. That was the "for the better" part. The "for the worse part" comes through in articles like this one in Israel after the two homophobic MKs made their opinions public: "Whoever Does Not Fight Their Lust, How Can They Fight Against The Enemy".

The article is in Hebrew, so I will summarize it for my readers that do not read Hebrew. Basically the article says that the army is for winners and gays are inherently losers because they have given into their evil urges. And this article was not published by some extreme "ultra-orthodox" or hassidic website. The website that published this hateful trash is a "modern-orthodox", "main stream", "down to earth" website. But homophobia in the parliament has empowered the haters to come out and spread their poison - and hate tends to spread very quickly.

Why can't people disagree and disapprove of something/someone without trying to harm those they disagree and disapprove of? I do not like religion, but I would never claim it should be outlawed or that religious people should have less rights. Why do those people that disapprove of homosexuality constantly try and make LGBTQ people second class citizens, if not criminals?

Ms. Michaeli, if you do not want your children to know about homosexuality, you are more than welcome to move to Iran. And as for Mr. Ariel, gays fight and die in the army the same way heterosexuals do. I was a "lone soldier" and served in the tank corp. I served 3 years in the army (more than many "god fearing" soldiers serve) and always did what I was commanded to the best of my ability. I was even sent into Lebanon in 2006. My homosexuality never had an effect on anything or anyone. But don't let facts get in the way of your stupidity and bigotry.

"Let's Celebrate Our Freedom" - Post Parade Report

What a wonderful Pride Day (it was Friday the 8th of the month, but I am only finding time to write about it now). I arrived at the starting grounds at Gan Meir in Tel Aviv with my friend Jessica at about 1230pm. The place was packed and full of wonderful energy. The first thing I did was buy a Rainbow flag and than we met up with some other friends and a group people that were interviewing me and filming me for a school project. One of the real treats of the day was that my great friend Long, whom I have written about about in previous posts (and who is straight) was in Israel and came along to show his support. At about 1pm we started to march.

Me and my flag at Gan Meir

Starting to March

The parade was an amazing experience. Around 100,000 people marching, smiling and having fun. There was no hate and no counter protests. Just tens of thousands of people celebrating their pride, joined by their friends, families and supporters. Watching all the smiling faces, the drag queens, the happy couples, the eccentrically dressed people, one could not help but feel celebration and joy in the air.

Tziona Patriot and Talula Bonet

Marchers on stilts

Supportive onlookers 

The view of the parade from above

The parade ended at the beach, where there was a massive party and concert. Everywhere you looked there were people (and many of them gorgeous ;)) dancing and having a good time. On stage, DJs, dancers and drag queens took turns entertaining and energizing the crowd. One of the highlights of the day came during the concert. The wonderful drag queen Talula Bonet was on stage, dancing to the music. She called out a few times, "Everyone raise your hands. Everyone raise your hands." Than she said "Let's celebrate our freedom". With those words, an energy went through the crowd. Everywhere you looked people were dancing, cheering and waving rainbow flags in the air. My friend Long looked at me with an expression of awe on his face and said, "that was really cool". And that is why we were all there. The Middle East is a war torn area of the world and a haven for hate, radicals and fundamentalists. But not Tel Aviv. Tel Aviv is the one major city in the entire region where a parade like this could have taken place. It is the one city where LGBTQ people could come together and celebrate their freedom, and not have to demand it.

Talula and some back up dancers on stage at the beach

What made the day even more special for me was that I got to share it with friends that I love. This was my first pride parade and it really meant a lot to me. Most of my friends that were there with me are straight, but they came out to show their support. Even the friends that got lost in the huge crowd and that I did not get to spend much time with, seeing them for just a little bit meant a lot. So to my dear friends, I just want to say thank you. It was a day I will never forget :)

Me and my friends Nadav, Gavy, Jessica and Long
at the beach party

GOProud, Orthodox Gays and Other "Queer" Combinations

Controversial gay activist Dan Savage was recently asked to apologize for comments he made about the Bible. His exact words were "We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people, the same way we have learned to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about shellfish, about slavery, about dinner, about farming, about menstruation, about virginity, about masturbation". The main group demanding this apology, is a group called GOProud, the "gay wing" of the Republican party. While I appreciate that members of GOProud are homosexuals that tend to be fiscally conservative and prefer small government (2 opinions I personally agree with), I cannot understand their social conservatism. How can they defend the evil the Bible says about homosexuals and at the same time call themselves proud gays? 


Even more so, I do not understand how this group can endorse a a candidate for the presidency that wants to write into the US constitution an amendment that is anti gay marriage. I understand party politics. I understand that members of this group can be gay and still religious and therefore don't want their churches and religious institutions to have to change. However, I cannot understand how this group can abandon their fellow human beings that are fighting for what they feel to be their civil rights. I can't understand how they can endorse the homophobia of the Bible and yet claim to be proud?


Similarly, there is a growing trend in Israel of openly gay, orthodox Jews. These men wear kippot, women that dress according to Jewish conservative standards, keep Jewish dietary laws, as well as the Jewish Sabbath and have openly homosexual relationships and march in gay pride parades. Again, this is a group of people that accept the homophobia of the Torah to be the word of the one true "god", but at the same time are proud of their homosexuality? 

While talking about a group of openly gay Catholics in the episode of "Bullshit" dealing with the Vatican, Penn Jillette says, "A gay Catholic seems like a Jewish Nazi to us". While Orthodox Judaism is a little less harsh than the Catholic Church in regards to their view of homosexuals, I have to admit that I find the combination to be somewhat ridiculous and to a large extent self hatting. How can someone claim to both be proud of who they are, including their homosexuality and at the same time believe that an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscience god condemns and hates homosexuality? 






Obviously I agree with Savage and Penn when they dismiss the bible as "bullshit" (their word choice, not mine). How can a book so full of hate and evil be true? But there are these groups that have somehow reconciled their gay pride and their belief in this book and I simply cannot understand how they do it. I am a huge proponent and individual rights and freedoms. I am the last person that will tell these people that they have to change their views or anything like that. But I am genuinely curious about how they mix these contradictions in their lives. I would love to ask any of my readers that have any insight on the subject to please comment on this post. Are these groups delusional or is there something that I am missing?

The Eye of the Beholder

I spent the last day and the half feeling pretty down. The other day was Israeli Independence Day, the most fun holiday in Israel. I was very excited to go out Wednesday evening and party with my friends. I was also very aware of the fact that should I succeed in moving to Hanoi at the end of the year, this was very likely my last Israeli Independence Day as a resident of the country, so I wanted to make it count.

At one point me and my friends made it over to a bar called "Evita", THE gay bar of Tel Aviv. I was having a good time with my friends, trying to dance in my own unique way, when I noticed a cute guy (of course he was Asian) dancing up a storm about 2 yards away from me.  My friends tried to push me in his direction so that I would dance with him, but I balked. I WAS TERRIFIED! My fragile self-esteem could not take rejection.

Later on that evening, drunk and angry at myself for being such a coward, I stepped outside to get some air. A guy who later told me that he was about 50 years old started to talk to me.

Him: "Don't I know you from somewhere"?
Me: "I don't think so".
Him: "I think I do. Didn't you use to be fatter".
Me (very shocked and not knowing whether to be insulted or flattered): "Yes".
(It turns out he had seen me around Bar Ilan University). 
Him: "Well your still fat enough for me, and I like fat guys".

Now I was insulted! Just to make sure I was really insulted, he went on to assume that I was significantly older than I am. That was enough to ruin the whole evening for me, which was a real shame. In my mind I had just been called fat and ugly.

Of course, that is not what happened. What really happened was that someone (granted he was old enough to be my dad) found me attractive and tried to pick me up - granted in a very tactless way, and I rejected him. And why did I reject him? Because I found him to be unattractive (and tactless).

I get upset whenever I am reject based on my looks, so why do I do it to other guys? Everyone always says "it is what is inside that counts", but everyone also knows that that is bologna. The truth is that both the inside and the outside are very important. It is true (and it has happened to me) that when you become attracted to someone's personality, you can become attracted to their looks even if at first you did not find them attractive. But that takes a lot of time. So when first meeting someone, looks are very important.

And while there might be a general consensus that guys like Zac Efron are attractive, looks can be very subjective. There are guys that make me go weak at the knees that my friends think are ugly and vice versa. Beauty can be subjective. Since coming out of the closet, I have been with quite a number of guys (in a very non trashy, not slutty way of course) and the vast majority of them, I found to be very attractive.

                                              To me: GORGEOUS!
                                              To my great friend Ella: Ugly ???


                                           

                                                                                      

So while I may never be a super model, I am still holding out hope to meet someone that is beautiful on the inside and the outside. The thing I must really work on is my fear of rejection. I cannot become paralyzed with fear whenever I am in a situation to meet someone. So the journey to self improvement continues. I hope I will get to write a post about "the wonderful guy I met" sooner, rather than later.

How Judaism Haunts Me and Why I Must Leave Israel

Many people I know don't understand why I hate Judaism so much. They think that since I am no longer practicing, I should just move on. They do not understand why I write about it and talk about it as much as I do. The reason is that Judaism haunts me. I know this might sound dramatic and might be hard for some to understand. In fact, it is often hard for me to put into words and explain. So that is where this post comes in. Hopefully what I write here, along with any comments/conversation that stems from this post, will be clear enough to explain my feelings.

Most of my religious life was very complicated. I was a very proud, religious Zionist and in many ways radical about my connection to Judaism - the religion and the people. However, at the same time I always resented the burden I felt came along with this. I remember at a young age, a friend of my parents brought to a Sabbath lunch a woman that was in the process of converting. I could not understand why anyone would ever want to volunteer to be part of Orthodox Judaism. I figured I was born into it and did not have a choice and therefore I should embrace it. But given the choice, I would never choose it.

A fellow blogger friend of mine, Coin Laundry recently posted a comment on Facebook that reminded me about a debate I had with a bunch of friends when I was around 14 years old. I had asked my friends, if they were to discover that they were not really Jewish by birth, would they convert. Interestingly the majority of the boys said no and the majority of the girls said yes, but overall more said yes than no. I was shocked. I would have been so relieved to discover I was not Jewish. Who needs all the constraints, the guilt and the responsibility? I later brought the question up to my father. He answered that he would convert as well. Again, I was shocked. Why would anyone want this as part of their life?

As I got older, my sexuality became quite the burden. I could not help being attracted to guys. Every time I prayed I would ask "god" to take these feelings away, because I did not want to sin, but could not help myself. On Yom Kippur (the Jewish day of atonement and judgment) I would beg "god" to spare my life. I would tell him that if he just took away this attraction than I wouldn't be so tempted and everything would be OK. Of course I remained attracted to guys and my feelings of guilt and fear of heavenly punishment grew all the time.

When I finally left Judaism behind, there was an amazing burden lifted from my shoulders. (I still tried to hide the fact I was gay but that was because of my family, not religion). Slowly I was able to learn to think freely and resented myself less and less. I was free.

But of course I live in Israel, the Jewish country. Everywhere I look, I am constantly reminded of religion. Religious parties sit in the government and push their agenda on the nation. My university requires all Jewish students to take Judaic courses. When going out, kosher vs non Kosher food, open on the Sabbath or closes, all must be taken into account. On the Sabbath their is no public transportation. Religious people sit on the street corner and try and convince you to follow their ways. Old senile men like Ovadia Yosef wave great power here, just because they are Rabbis with many followers. And while in theory all of these things can be easily ignored, for me they are a constant reminder of the feelings I had back when I was religious.

I think a good analogy would be to a man who was imprisoned and is released after many years. He can walk around freely and do whatever he pleases. His life is his own. However, he would not want to see prison guards, barbed wire and jail cells everywhere he looked. These things may not be a part of his life anymore, but he most certainly would not want to be reminded about it all the time.

This is why I feel that I must leave Israel behind. I need to put some space between me and my past so that I can properly "get over it". While I will probably never embrace Judaism ever again, I do not want to hate it forever. I hope with my planned move across the globe to Vietnam at the end of this year, I can begin to finally move on.

The Religious High Horse

One day when I was in the army and still religious, I got on a long bus ride to the north of the country to go back to my army base. I was very tired and fell asleep almost immediately listening to music on my disc-man (it was a long time ago). About an hour and a half into the ride, I was smacked awake by some crazy guy that was screaming at me, but I could not hear what he was saying. When I took off my headphones I heard him saying that I was a horrible person for not giving my seat up to an elderly person that had gotten on the bus. He than yelled "you should take off your kippa (traditional Jewish head covering worn by religious men) and be embarrassed".

Now, this screaming man was obviously nuts, because I was asleep and therefore did not know that there was an old man standing in the aisle. I remember at the time being very embarrassed and since my Hebrew was not that good yet, I could not even explain myself. But the guy kept yelling at me to "take off my kippa", even after I had stood up to give the old man my seat. I really did not understand what my kippa had to do with anything.

Fast forward to today. I was waiting for the light rail in Jerusalem. Standing next to my was a young ultra-orthodox guy (about 18-20 years old?) with a girl that I assume was his younger sister (15 or 16 years old?). They tried to buy a ticket from the ticket machine and it did not work. So he said to his sister, "lets just get on the train without a ticket. (Never mind that there was another ticket machine across the street that did work).  Worse case scenario and we get caught, they will just make us get off at the next stop". To the girls credit, she was very uncomfortable with the idea, but her brother insisted and she eventually agreed. Witnessing all this I thought to myself, "this guy is religious?!" And than I remembered what had happened to me, 8 years ago when I was in the army and I understood what the crazy guy was talking about when he kept telling me to take off my kippa. 

Obviously, all communities have their good and their bad people. But in Israel, many of the leaders and the most vocal members of the religious communities are constantly telling the secular community to "repent" and become religious. We are told that the secular life style is empty and without meaning. We are told that if we do not believe in a "god" that can see us at all times and judges us, we will eventually do immoral things. Proselytizers set up booths on main street corners trying to convince passerby's to pray. We are told it is good for our soul. 

With the religious community constantly telling us that we are bad, and that we should be more like them, when we in the secular "community" witness a religious person doing something bad, we jump on it. "This person thinks he is better than me, but here he is doing something bad". 

The point of this post is not to say, religious people are not as good as they claim or anything like that. As I wrote earlier, there are plenty of good and bad people from every kind of background. But the bottom line is that their are bad religious people. Religion does not make people good. So to all the "preachers" out there I would like to say, STOP preaching and telling all secular people to "repent". There are enough bad people that believe in god that you should question your "belief = good" formula. Get off your high horse, worry about yourself and leave me alone.

War, Missiles and Death.

When I moved to Israel in 2002 at 17 years old, I knew that I would be drafted in to the Israeli military (IDF). At the time I was very proud of this and even looked forward to my service. I had always been taught that the IDF and its mission of protecting Israel was a holy mission and that it was an honor to join. While all Israeli men must serve for 3 years, I had the option to cut that service down to 2 years and change, but I wanted to go for 3 years because that would make everyone so proud of me. And everyone was so proud of me. When people I knew from America would visit, everyone was so impressed that I was a soldier serving in the IDF. People wanted to take their picture with me and ask me all sorts of questions. Back in the US, my parents friends would always ask about me and tell my parents how proud they must be of my service. Younger guys from my community in NJ would tell me how when they became 18 they wanted to join the IDF just like I did. I was so happy that everyone was so proud of me.

But my time in the IDF was one of the hardest of my life. I had commanders that would take advantage of my motivation and idealism and have me do work that they knew had they ordered an Israeli to do, they would refuse. I was a foreigner and did not know how to work the system like the Israelis. I found myself doing more bathroom cleaning duties and guard duty than my friends. My already low pay was cut because all sorts of "technical" reasons. My time in the IDF was very depressing and full of disillusion.

In the summer of 2006, Israel went to war with Hezbollah forces in Lebanon. My unit happened to be close to the border when the war started doing maneuvers and we were immediately re positioned to take part. This was an extremely scary time for me. At random hours of the day missiles would rain down on me and my friends. There was no bomb shelter and more often than not, not even an armored vehicle near by to take cover in. You just had to hope the missiles wouldn't hit you.

At one point, my commander asked for a volunteer to go into Lebanon. Why a volunteer? Because the vehicle to be used to enter enemy territory was not armored and the standing order was that all vehicles crossing the border must be armored. I immediately volunteered. This was extremely scary but I already had a number of friends that had been killed and this seemed like the right thing to do. I thought that if I would come back alive, everyone would be so proud of me.

Today, there is a lot of talk about the possibility of a war with Iran. Once again, missiles would rain down and I (and millions of other Israeli citizens) would have to face that fear again. To be very honest, I don't think I could do it again. Back in 2006, the idea of sacrificing my life for Israel was something I could except, but not any more. Had I died back in 2006, would that have done anything for Israel? No. Would this country be in a better a place than it is now? No. Would it be any safer? No. What did my friends deaths contribute or change? Nothing.

At one point I thought my new fear of death is because I no longer believe in an afterlife. But that is not the reason. And to be honest, I always believed a lot more in Hell than I ever did in Heaven (I will probably write a post about that at some point). If I really think about what scares me now that didn't exist 6 years ago, it is my plans for my future. This is the first time in my life when I am working towards and dreaming of a future that I believe I could be happy in. My old "dream" of finding a woman to marry and having kids was not so hard to sacrifice. But now, finally at 27 years old, I am on a path that will make ME happy and ME proud, as apposed to family, teachers, community etc. Back than, my life and future had very little meaning to me. But now that it does have meaning, why should I have to throw it away?

The New Road

Many times I've been told "You know, you should really write a book". And I always think "What a great idea! I enjoy writing and I have a pretty interesting story to tell. I should write a book!" Ya, right. Who has time to write a book? Not me. Between work, graduate school, a social life and any other number of commitments, it just won't fit into my schedule. So I thought to myself, "Its the 21st century, write a blog". So that is why we are here. Welcome!

So what makes people tell me that I should write a book? It must be because I have led my life along quite a twisted road. I was brought up as a radically right wing, religious Zionist Jew. I left my family and home in the US at the age of 17 to move to Israel. I was heading off to fulfill the destiny of the Jewish people and was on a mission from god! I was going to learn Hebrew and join the Israeli Army. I had planned on getting married to a a religious Jewish Woman and having kids while living in some settlement in the "West Bank".

At first everything went according to the plan. I moved to Israel, learned Hebrew and joined the Israeli Army. My family were all so proud of me. I was constantly being set up to go on dates But I was not really happy. I was struggling with two major issues. First, as the years went by Judaism stopped making sense to me. Second, I didn't want to marry a nice Jewish girl. I'm gay. At first out of fear of some scary, vengeful god and of disappointing my family I tried to keep all that buried deep inside.This lead to years of personal struggle. But in the end keeping everything bottled up was futile.

Now, it is ten years later. In the past few years I have left the religion and come out of the closet. I traded in the dream of marrying a Jewish woman for the dream of marrying an Asian guy (more about this later). I traded in the Jewish people for intense individualism.  I traded in god for...well....logic? free thinking? nothing? I traded in Hebrew for Vietnamese and I plan on leaving Israel after I'm done my current degree and heading off to live in Vietnam. (I know that seems random, but come back to read future posts and all will be explained). So it would not be an understatement to say I have turned my life upside down. 

American Orthodox Jews refer to their way of life as "the path". When they meet someone like me they say, "He is off the derech" (derech is the Hebrew word for path). This is considered a very negative thing to say about someone. But, I do not see it that way.While I may have left that path, the road I am on now is very interesting and exciting. I can't wait to see where it ends up.