Goodbye Israel: A Breakup Letter

Dear Israel,

There is no nice way to say this, but it is time we ended our relationship. Even though we have been together for 10 and half years, I am sure that this break up does not come as a surprise to you. For quite a while now, I have obviously not been happy with this relationship. Nothing good can come from continuing down this path. I am sorry.

This is not to say that it was always bad. I remember the first time we met. I was very young, just 10 years old. It really was love at first sight. I told my parents that I didn't want to go home and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. They told me that I was too young and that I had to wait until I was older. I was disappointed and sad, but I swore to myself that the second I was old enough, we would be together.

Love at First Sight 

Over the next few years, I visited you a number of times, and each time my love for you only grew. I could not wait to finish high school so that I would be old enough and I could go off and be with you. And that is exactly what I did. 3 months after graduating, we were finally together.

At first things were very good. I was still very much in love and in my eyes, you could do no wrong. But then slowly things started to change. You became very demanding and made everything difficult for no reason. Nothing I ever did for you was good enough. And you always managed to back out of any support that you promised to give me in return for all I was doing for you. I left everything I knew to be with you, and you did not appreciate me. I was very nearly killed protecting you, and you still continued to treat me like I was not doing enough for you.

I tried to stick by you, I really did. But as I grew up and matured, you rejected the changes I made in my life.I began to see the world a little differently then you do and for you, this was completely unacceptable. You made sure that there were consequences for my falling out of line. You began to treat me as if I was less. Why? After all I had done for you and all I had given you, why couldn't you accept me as I am?

It was at this point that I decided that we could no longer be together. I had put your happiness ahead of my own for too long and that is not a sacrifice I am willing to make any more. And quite frankly, you do not deserve that kind of dedication. You screwed me over every opportunity you got. But this is where it ends.

I am sure we will still see each other. After all, we have many mutual friends. And maybe it does say something positive about you that so many of my great friends love you so much. But, I do not feel the same. So...Goodbye

Atheists in Foxholes

A common phrase used by some religious leaders to both put down atheist and forward their own agenda is, "there are no atheists in foxholes". The sentiment behind this line is that when someone's life is in danger, everyone will turn to "god". After all, many religious leaders dismiss atheists as nothing more than childish rebels, rebelling for the sake of rebelling. They do not acknowledge the fact that most atheists have well thought out reasons based on logic and evidence as to why they do not believe in religion. And if this were true, when faced with their mortality, these rebels would be likely to "return to 'god'" to save their lives. However, this is not the case and of this, I am living proof.

I will never forget the horrible pain of the car hitting me on the sidewalk this past September. The pain was so intense and so total that I remember clearly thinking, "OK this is it, I am dying" and excepting the fact that my life was over. I did not think about "god" or religion.

Well I did not die. I laid on the ground with my elbow shattered, bones sticking out of my arm and my foot twisted and facing the wrong way. When I was made aware that we were all struck by a car and that I did not know what happened to my parents, I panicked. I screamed and begged the EMTs and the good samartitans that had come over to help us to tell me what was going on with my parents. No one told me. When I was brought to the ER, I literally asked everyone I saw for information on my parents conditions, but no one would tell me.

I do not know exactly how long it was until I learned that my parents were in fact killed, but it seemed like a couple of hours. During those hours I cried and I begged for information. I never once thought about a "god". I never once prayed to "god" to ask for "its" help. 

I know many people will dismiss my lack of belief in any deity by saying I am just angry at god. But this is not the case because I am an atheist. I really, honestly do not believe that there is a god. How could I be angry at something that I do not think exists? How could I turn to such a thing for help in my time of need? I could no more turn to a unicorn, or a dragon, or a wizard in my time of need. If in my mind, I really thought that there was any chance of their being a god that could listen to my prayers and help, I assure you I would have prayed and prayed a lot. But the thought never occurred to me.

I am not writing this because I am trying to use the killing of my parents to "spread atheism". I really do not care what other people genuinely believe (unless their beliefs come to hurt me or others). However, after hearing over and over again that "there are no atheists in foxholes", I wanted to show that this is not true. This also shows that my atheism is not just a rebellion based on "anger". I have been accused of being an atheist because I am angry about being gay (which I am not). And since the accident, I was told that I am an atheist just because I am angry at "god" for killing my parents. But "god" did not kill my parents so I cannot be angry at "it".

Even further, while many believers believe that it is in the "foxholes of life" that people will turn to "god", to me, the "foxholes of life" reconfirm that there is no loving, protecting god. I do not think that a loving protecting god would allow for war and genocide. I do not think that a loving and protecting god would have allowed my parents to be killed because some irresponsible moron decided to be a total idiot and drive with a big wild dog, loose in the front seat. When I see everything that can go wrong with the world, why would that lead me, or anyone to think that there is an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient god?

My Return to the "Real World"

This past Thursday, I was finally released from the rehabilitation center. This means that my injuries are healed to the point that I do not need constant supervision and that I can continue my therapy at a facility that I do not live at 24/7. All in all this is great news!

Now that I am out of therapy, I needed a place to live in New Jersey until I get well enough to go back to Israel. (I could not live in my parents house for various reasons). So I am staying with two friends of mine that I grew up with that married each other and their four children. Their kids are 7 and under which is quite the change from all the 80 and 90 year old people that were at the rehab center with me. Kids are energetic and lively, which is much nicer then grumpy and tired.

One interesting side effect caused by being out of rehab is that I find myself being reminded about my parents more frequently. This is not to say that I was not thinking about them every day before. In rehab, my injuries were a constant reminder of the accident that led to my parents being killed. But now I am being reminded about what life was like with them, as opposed to without them.

For example, the family I am staying with is a religious, orthodox Jewish family. That means this past weekend, they celebrated the Jewish sabbath in the traditional fashion. When I saw my friends with their kids at the table for the sabbath meal, it reminded me of my childhood with my parents. Seeing my friend bless his kids Friday night was a strong reminder of how my father blessed me every Friday of my life. Even if he was not near me physically, he always made sure to speak to me before the sabbath via phone. While this tradition did not have any specific meaning to me any more, it had great meaning to my parents and I always appreciated that.

My parents looking very happy at synagogue social event

While I was in rehab I knew that once I was released I would feel the gap left by my parents deaths in a very different way. While I was going through such a hard time with my injuries, I wished I had my parents who were always supportive through life's rough moments. But now that I am getting back to "normal life" that my parents had been a constant presence in, their absence is constant. I pay a bill, I think about how my father taught me financial responsibility and constantly checked in on me to offer guidance and help. I go shopping, I think of the countless times I went shopping with my mom. I drive around East Brunswick, the town my parents called home, I am constantly reminded of different times I was with them around the town.

I know as time passes I will feel the lose of my parents in countless different ways. One day if I am lucky enough to meet the man that I will marry, I will not be able to introduce him to my parents. If I am lucky enough to have kids, my parents will never get to meet these grandchildren and my kids will be robbed of having the most amazing grandparents ever. The list can go on and on. But in short, my parents will always be missing for the rest of my life.

My Anger

Since the accident that left my parents dead and me and two great family friends injured, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. There are times that I am sad of course. But there are also times that I am OK. In fact most of the time I am OK and often even happy. I know many people expect me to be a depressed mess, but I am trying to move on. And thanks to the wonderful support of family and friends, I am doing fine most of the time and really moving on.

But of course there are still times that I am sad. I very much miss my parents and at times the feeling overwhelms me. But I manage to get past the sadness and continue moving forward and and I try to be positive. The one emotion that I have the most trouble dealing with when it comes is anger. Lately when I get angry, I am really not sure what to do, except go to sleep and hope that when I wake up it will have passed.

What am I angry at? In short, almost everything. I am angry that some random person that had nothing to do with my life, was irresponsible while driving and now because of her my parents are dead and my elbow and ankle have been severely injured. I am angry that every time it pops into my head to talk to my parents, I can't because they are dead and always will be dead. The permanence of death angers me.

I was brought up to believe that death was just physical and that people live on in an after life. Now that I can no longer believe this, I am furious at the totality of my parents death. I am angry that my parents truly believed that by following what they believed to be the will of "god" they would be protected and given long lives. And despite their belief and dedication, while walking with me and their closest friends on the sabbath, a day that they "kept holy" as they believed they were commanded to, they were run over by a car and killed. I am angry for my parents because I believe they were lied to (not maliciously) and given false promises.

I'm angry for my injuries and for the injuries of our dear friends that were hit as well. I cannot speak for them, but I am angry that I am always in pain. I am angry that at the moment, neither my leg nor my arm work like they should. I am angry that I am completely dependent on the help of others while I spend most of my day in a hospital bed.

I am angry at all the horrible things people have told me while being well intentioned. I don't want to hear about "god's will" or "god's plan". I really, wholeheartedly believe there is no god. But should there be one, his plan is evil and his will is demented.

I am angry that in my close family circle that is dealing with this tragedy, I am the only single - as in unattached - person. I love my sister and brother in law. I love all four of my grandparents and I'm grateful to still have them in my life. I love my aunts and uncles and i love all my parents close friends that are for all intents and purposes are part of my family. But at the end of the day, when the lights go off, they each have their life partner, their soul mate, their lover to help each other through this horrible tragedy.

At the end of the day, when the light go off I am alone. I have no one to talk to as I fall asleep. I have no one to share my nightmares and dreams with when I'm woken in the middle of the night and no one to hold me and hug me when that is what I need.

At some point the anger always fades. I go back to my normal mood. But even after I calm down, I know that at some point I will get angry again. I know that because I have every reason to be angry over all the things I mentioned above. I'm not a little kid and I have known for a long time that life isn't fair. But I never expected to have this much "not fair" shoved down my throat at once. But what can I do? Nothing. I just have to accept it all and move on. I'm trying and I will, but it sure isn't easy.

Zionism, Nationalism and all the Jazz

I was brought up with what I would call a very "radical" Zionist, world view and values. My parents were admirers of the slain extreme right-wing leader Meir Kahane. The short version of the "Kahanist" world view is as follows.
1. "God" gave the land of Israel to the Jewish people and we must retake it by force to bring the messiah.

2. The world is divided into two groups, Jews and those that hate or will hate Jews.

3. The Jewish government of Israel should be based on Jewish religious law.

4. There is no place for non Jews in Israel.
When people would sit around and discuss how we thought the Israeli-Palestinian conflict could be solved, me and my family would paraphrase Kahane and say "the nice ones (Arabs) can leave on air conditioned buses". Growing up, I believed in this world view 100%.

As I wrote before, I moved to Israel at 17 to fulfill the Zionist mission. I wanted to join the army and fight Israel's enemies. I voted for political parties that advocated the transfer of Arabs from Israel as part of a finale "peace" plane. I believed anyone that did not agree with the world view that I was brought up with was at best not a real Zionist, and at worst a traitor. Radical Zionism was a huge part of my upbringing and a huge part of who I was. My feeling of Israeli nationalism was second to none.

When I first told my parents that I was no longer religious, one of the first things they said to me was, "so you are no longer a Zionist?!" I was hurt by this accusation. Of course I was still a Zionist. I thought that was such an absurd thing to say. What did god have to do with nationalism? There were plenty of secular Zionists in Israel. Israel was built by secular Zionists. Nationalism exists in literally every country on earth and often has little or nothing to do with religion.


But as time passed, and I started to apply my new rational, humanistic and realistic values to more and more topics, my feelings of nationalism faded. I stopped seeing the world as divided into arbitrary groups. What is the difference between a Jew, an Arab, a German, or an Indian? We are all human. I do not feel a need to only be around people that are similar looking to me, or have a similar social/genetic background. There are non Jews in the world that I love very dearly. Why am I less connected to them than I am to some Jewish person living far away from me that I never met?


I realize now that my parents were right, religion was an important part of my Zionism for two reasons. The first reason was that it gave me the "Jews vs. the world" attitude. Second, it allowed me to believe that there was an end to the conflict. I believed that if Israel just did x,y and z, the messiah would come and everything would be perfect. Today, I realize that as long as the conflict is about who's fairy tails are more "accurate", the conflict will never end.


So where do I stand today? I do think that Israel has a right to exists and should exist. Sadly most of the world still sees humanity as divided into different groups; nations, religions, races, ethnicity, etc. These make-believe divisions are the sources of many wars, conflicts and genocides around the world. If Israel did not exists, Jews would be a lot more vulnerable to another genocide, just like the many genocides that happened through out the history of the Jewish religion. However, this does not justify Israel mistreating Arabs or any other non Jews. I think that as long as religion is such a powerful force in the Middle East and the world, this conflict will never end. And frankly, I think that shows how pathetic humanity is sometimes.

Life, Pain, Judaism and the "Afterlife"

I had planned about writing this post about something totally different. However, I have been debating a reader of this blog in the comment section of my post "What Got the Ball Rolling" and I figured I should write a post about this topic as well.

When I was young, someone in one of my religious classes asked the Rabbi the basic question that everyone asks, "why do bad things happen to good people?" The Rabbi said that no one is perfect and that every time someone feels pain in "this world", they are being punished for some sin and now they wont have to worry about being punished in the "next world". I took this lesson to heart. Every time I got hurt, be it banging my toe, or breaking a bone, I thought "good thing this happened and I must have DESERVED this pain".

I do understand that the lesson was not meant to make me feel the way I did. However, I think the way I began to embrace and accept pain is an inevitable part of being brought up with a philosophy that diminished the value of life and emphasizes the "afterlife". The comment that one of my readers wrote on the post "What Got the ball Rolling" said that a gay person should learn to live without sex so that they can have a good life in the the world to come. But there is no evidence of life after death. People are more often than not born into their religious beliefs by chance. They do not choose them. A religious person raised that way from childhood is presented the ideas of Heaven and Hell as fact. But the truth is, if they could have easily been brought up in a different environment and they would never come to the conclusion that there is a heaven and hell based on life experience, science or logic.

So why waste the one life that we KNOW we have? Because some books that have been around for a long time say so? It is a very similar thought process that allows the suicide bomber to kill himself along with innocent people. He only values the "world to come" that he was taught about. We condemn the killer as evil, but that is simply because we have a different value system. The religious Jew or religious Christian has no more reason to believe in his religion than the religious Muslim. 


I personally believe that if more people learned to value this life, the real life, the one life we all know we have, there would be a lot less evil in the world. Steven Weinberg once wrote "With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil — that takes religion." 


To my religious readers I want to say, if you believe in your religion and it makes you happy then enjoy. I mean that wholeheartedly. Everyone should do what makes them happy, as long as they aren't  hurting someone else. But DO NOT expect others to give up their happiness because you have an old book that says they should.

Atheism and Homosexuality

I am often asked to what extent my atheism is linked to my homosexuality. It would be a lie to say they are not connected at all. However, my path to atheism occurred independent of anything having to do with me being gay. I am sure plenty of my readers are thinking to themselves "that is bull". Many people have said to me "you must be an atheist because you are angry at "god" for making you gay, or because religion and homosexuality don't mix." But I assure you that it is the truth. My path to atheism was an intellectual journey, while my path to acceptance of my sexuality was an emotional one.

As I wrote in an earlier post, my finale 9 years of religious life was very much based in fear of a scary, short tempered, intolerant god. This fear kept me from asking the obvious questions that in the end led me away from religion. I remember one time in synagogue on the Sabbath, we came to the "prayer for the sick" and I saw some people talking during the reading of the prayer. I thought to myself "now the sick people might not get better because they need all the prayers they can get." What a dumb thing for me to have thought! It is as if I imagined god thinking to himself  "this person is going to die because only 1,000,000 people told me how great and loving I am, and I really need to hear that from 1,000,002 people." But actually I did not imagine that. I did not question the idea that more prayers equals better results that had been taught to me by my teachers and rabbis. It was taught to me and I accepted it as fact.

I only learned to start asking questions when I started to study at university. I started my BA in history back in 2007 and it was a life changing experience. I was exposed to philosophies and historical facts that that I never knew before. Most importantly of all I was taught to always ask questions and to never take anything you read at face value. These new lessons allowed me to look at my life and the world and come to my own conclusions.

While my becoming an atheist was not caused by my being gay, my becoming an atheist made it much easier for me to accept that I am gay. Walls that once existed were torn down. What was taboo was now not. Of course that is another topic for another post. Keep reading :)