Public Displays of Love and Violence

I was having a semi-political discussion with a very conservative relative this past Friday night. We were trying very hard to state our opinions without offending one another. For my part, I was trying to steer the conversation towards the topic of gay rights because I am curious about how my relatives feel about the subject. While I know that most of my relatives have always been anti-gay marriage, anti-gay pride, etc, I often hope that my coming out might have changed that. I would like to think that my family would like to see me happy and therefore might have rethought some of their opinions on these subjects. Usually this has not happened. I do not take it personally because I know that my relatives believe what they do, and in spite of their beliefs have not cut me out of their lives for which I am grateful.

During our brief debate, my relative said, "people should be able to do whatever they want, they just shouldn't be able to shove it in my face". What I took this to at first was that LGBTQ people can do what they want, just don't hold hands/kiss/hug in public. However, I realized that my cousin was not just talking about LGBTQ people. He would prefer it if no one showed any signs of physical affection in public. He is not the first person I ever met that finds public displays of affection (PDA) uncomfortable, so I just dropped the subject.

The next day we were discussing movies. My cousin said that he highly recommends the new Quentin Tarantino movie, Django Unchained. I said that I do not like most Tarantino movies because I do not like gore for the sake of gore in movies. My cousin could not disagree more. He told me that he loves great action movies and that violence does not bother him. And just like my cousin, millions, upon millions love to go watch action movies full of gore and violence. I myself like a good action movie, or war movie if I think it is made well and has a good story. And just like my cousin, society at large has less of a problem with violence than they do with PDA. And when I thought about it like that, I became quite annoyed.

If a movie has a a scene where a bunch of people are shot, or blown up, it will get a PG-13 rating (meaning the movie is suited for 13 year old teens and up). If a movie has a minimal about of sexuality in it, it will be given a rating of R (meaning the movie is suited for 17 year old people and up). Why is it that violence and killing is less offensive to children and the public at large than love and sex? Why is is that America has a culture that guns are passed down from father to son, but many parents cannot accept that their teenagers and young adult children might be sexually active? Why is it that graphic slasher movies are main stream, but pornography is considered one of the most offensive things in society? Why is violence glorified and sex and love are shunned?

This is of course not a problem only in America. Most religions around the world are more lenient and accepting of violence than they are of sex and love. Judaism, Christianity and Islam have harsh regulations on sexuality and love, but all have many allowances for violence. The Torah (the Old Testament) for its part has allowances for war, genocide and slavery, but two men having sex is not tolerated. Islam stifles any sense of female sexuality and love (let alone homosexual sexuality and love), yet glories Muhammad's conquest's and massacres. These 3 religions that sadly lay at the base of much of the world's moral guidelines are quite twisted and have lead to twisted world views. We have to ask ourselves if we really want to live in a society that is more offended by two people kissing in public, or by a gay pride parade than by a man holding an M-16 assault rifle. If the answer is no, the next question is, how do we start changing society to one the glorifies love and admonishes violence. 

If the picture on the left offends you more than the picture on the right,
you might want to rethink your priorities.

To Hide the Pride?

Throughout my life, I have always tried to be proud of how I live my life. Even when I was young, I believed that if I could not be proud of my lifestyle, than there must be something wrong with my lifestyle. I remember that many times when I was younger, my parents would tell me that I should take off my kippa (Jewish skull cap worn by religious males) because we were somewhere that people might not like Jews. This always upset me because I did not think that I had anything to hide.

Fast forward to today and I still have the same attitude about my life. Anyone that knows me or that reads my blog knows that I am very into the idea of gay pride. I have written several posts on the subject. I went to 2 different pride parades this year, one in Tel Aviv and one in Jerusalem. At each one I marched proudly waving my rainbow pride flag. I walk around with a pride pin on my bag and I have a mini Statue of Liberty holding a pride flag in my living room. I also wear a pride bracelet on my arm at all times.

Proud Miss Liberty

My Pride Bracelet

Recently, my mother was visiting Israel and I joined her, my sister and my sister's family for the weekend. At one point, my mom called me to the side and said the following:

"I noticed your bracelet. I get it, I understand it. But please don't wear it around extended family or any of mine and abba's (father's) friends. We just can't deal with that yet". 

As I wrote earlier, since I came out to them, my parents have come such a long way in accepting the fact that I am gay. I do recognize this and I am grateful for their amazing effort. I am also sensitive to how difficult this is for them and considering all this, I agreed not to wear the bracelet when I come to America to visit family for the Jewish holidays. However, I really do hate the idea of having to be dishonest about who I am, just so my parents can save face. And the irony of hiding a pride bracelet is not lost on me.

I know that while visiting them for the high holidays, at least one of their friends will tell me how they know a girl that would be perfect for me and will ask to set me up. (Oh really? you don't say? A girl? For me?) I know members of their synagogue will come over and say things like "how are you not married yet? Are there no nice girls in Israel?" Rather than coming up with some fun, witty response, I will have to put on an act and pretend, just like I did for so many years.

I know it is a very short visit and what my parents friends say and think is really of no consequence. And I really am not looking to make my parent's lives any more difficult or complicated. However, after all those years of denial and hiding, I really hate the idea of having to go back into the closet, even if it is just for a short while.

                                                                                     

Jerusalem Pride Parade

Yesterday was the 10th annual Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade. People that do not know much about Jerusalem might not realize how significant it is that there is a pride parade in the city that is holy to Judaism. Christianity and Islam. So here is some background.

For around two thousand years, Jews, Christians and Muslims and been killing each other over the ownership of the city. However, the three religions seem to be able to find common ground and work together when it comes to the issue of gay pride in the city. Every year since the first parade in 2002, the radical religious groups in the city and from around the world try and do everything they can to stop the parade from happening. In 2005, one particular nutcase rushed into a group of marchers with a knife, stabbing 3 people. In 2006. the threat of violence against the parade was so great that the police said they could not guarantee the safety of the participants. So the parade was moved to a stadium and no spectators were aloud.

Besides Jerusalem's special significance to the 3 major monotheistic religions, it has a large personal significance as well. I lived in Jerusalem or in its suburbs for around 8 years. When I dreamed of coming to Israel as a young boy to" fulfill my religious and nationalistic duties", I dreamed of the city of Jerusalem. When I first started to leave the religion, living in Jerusalem made it very difficult. The secular community of Jerusalem is shrinking and it lives in the shadows of the growing ultra-orthodox communities. When I would tell people that I did not believe in god, they would look at me like I was a total lunatic. The city life also revolves around religious life, meaning that from Friday night to Saturday night pretty much everything is closed and all you can do is stay home.

Coming out as gay in Jerusalem was even more difficult. For about a year I worked as a security guard at Jerusalem's Hebrew University. It was not uncommon to see some of my coworkers make fun of openly gay students. On a number of occasions, I heard coworkers announce how they would refuse to work side by side a gay security guard. Needless to say, I was always very worried that someone at work would find out I was gay. So Jerusalem became a symbol of my old religious, closeted life.I could not wait to get away and move to a more tolerant city like Tel Aviv.

Today, when I go back to Jerusalem to visit and I see all the men dressed in black and all the women with their hair covered and in long heavy clothes in the summer, I think to myself "how was this ever a part of my life? I am so glad I got away from it and can live my life freely and in a way that will make me happy".So now going back to Jerusalem for a pride parade, I was looking forward to celebrating how far I had come in the last few years.

You can be sure that the Jerusalem Pride Parade is very different than most other parades. It is more of a protest than a celebration. The sidewalks were not full with cheerful spectators rooting the marchers on, rather the sidewalks were pretty empty. There were a few people clapping here and there. There where a few people making rude hand gestures. But mostly there was just police.

My personal highlight was when the parade passed by "Hachel Shlomo", the offices of the Israeli Chief Rabbanit. The chief rabbis are among the leaders of the anti-Jerusalem pride parade camp. They say how having LGBTQ people march in the "holy city" is a desecration. But there I was, marching past their offices anyways. Tolerance had beaten superstition and hate. For years religion made me deny and feel ashamed about being gay. And now I was marching in a gay pride parade, holding a rainbow pride flag, in Jerusalem, right under the noses of the intolerant and hateful rabbis. What a feeling!

That is me holding my flag during the parade. The tall building with the dome in the background, is  "Hachel Shlomo", the offices of the Israeli Chief Rabbani   

Confessions of an Insomniac

Lately I have been suffering from insomnia. I will have 2,3 or 4 sleepless nights in a row. This is followed by a night in which I pass out and cannot even wake up in the morning. I wake up after 12 hours of sleep and then the cycle repeats itself. It would be wonderful if I could put all these extra "awake hours" to good use. I have a thesis that is due soon, a seminar paper, summer classes and tests for which I need to study. But no, this time is waste. I am too tired and frustrated to focus on anything important. Instead I lay awake in bed frustrated, hoping to fall asleep.

For as long as I can remember, I always had trouble falling asleep. On average, it would take me an hour or 2 of lying in bed to actually fall asleep. But I use to enjoy the time in bed, surrounded by the darkness and left to my thoughts. When I was little I would imagine I was a super hero or something fun like that. When I got older I used to fantasize about becoming an amazing, professional hockey player (quite the fantasy), or about romance, and of course about sex. Sometimes I even put the time to good use and I would make plans, or set new goals for myself. So, I was never really bothered by that hour or so that it took me to fall asleep.

But today it is different. It is no longer just an hour or so. I am awake pretty much the whole night. My mind no longer wonders to fantasies and dreams. Rather I get nervous about school. I think of all the work that needs to be done at my job. I wonder why I fall in love with guys that do not love me. I look at the clock and get frustrated at the fact that I am still awake. I count back how many hours are left for me to sleep before I must wake up.

I am not sure why my insomniac nights are such downers. I do have a lot of pressure to meet a number of super important deadlines that are quickly approaching. But other than that things are looking up. Hopefully I will soon graduate from my Masters program. If all goes according to plan, in just a few more months I will be moving to Vietnam and hopefully getting the chance to press the restart button on my life. I have good friends and I live in a wonderful city in which there is always something to do. However, in spite of all this, my sleepless nights remain negative.

I am not sure why I am writing this post. But it is 1:00am and I am lying in bed, dead tired, yet wide awake. Maybe writing about it will put my mind at ease and I will get some sleep. Tomorrow evening is the Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade. I know it will be very different than the Tel Aviv Pride Parade from a few weeks ago. You can be sure there will be a post about that.

Goodnight world and here's hoping I fall asleep soon!

"Let's Celebrate Our Freedom" - Post Parade Report

What a wonderful Pride Day (it was Friday the 8th of the month, but I am only finding time to write about it now). I arrived at the starting grounds at Gan Meir in Tel Aviv with my friend Jessica at about 1230pm. The place was packed and full of wonderful energy. The first thing I did was buy a Rainbow flag and than we met up with some other friends and a group people that were interviewing me and filming me for a school project. One of the real treats of the day was that my great friend Long, whom I have written about about in previous posts (and who is straight) was in Israel and came along to show his support. At about 1pm we started to march.

Me and my flag at Gan Meir

Starting to March

The parade was an amazing experience. Around 100,000 people marching, smiling and having fun. There was no hate and no counter protests. Just tens of thousands of people celebrating their pride, joined by their friends, families and supporters. Watching all the smiling faces, the drag queens, the happy couples, the eccentrically dressed people, one could not help but feel celebration and joy in the air.

Tziona Patriot and Talula Bonet

Marchers on stilts

Supportive onlookers 

The view of the parade from above

The parade ended at the beach, where there was a massive party and concert. Everywhere you looked there were people (and many of them gorgeous ;)) dancing and having a good time. On stage, DJs, dancers and drag queens took turns entertaining and energizing the crowd. One of the highlights of the day came during the concert. The wonderful drag queen Talula Bonet was on stage, dancing to the music. She called out a few times, "Everyone raise your hands. Everyone raise your hands." Than she said "Let's celebrate our freedom". With those words, an energy went through the crowd. Everywhere you looked people were dancing, cheering and waving rainbow flags in the air. My friend Long looked at me with an expression of awe on his face and said, "that was really cool". And that is why we were all there. The Middle East is a war torn area of the world and a haven for hate, radicals and fundamentalists. But not Tel Aviv. Tel Aviv is the one major city in the entire region where a parade like this could have taken place. It is the one city where LGBTQ people could come together and celebrate their freedom, and not have to demand it.

Talula and some back up dancers on stage at the beach

What made the day even more special for me was that I got to share it with friends that I love. This was my first pride parade and it really meant a lot to me. Most of my friends that were there with me are straight, but they came out to show their support. Even the friends that got lost in the huge crowd and that I did not get to spend much time with, seeing them for just a little bit meant a lot. So to my dear friends, I just want to say thank you. It was a day I will never forget :)

Me and my friends Nadav, Gavy, Jessica and Long
at the beach party

Happy Pride Month

Its now June and in Tel Aviv that means it is "Pride Month". The city is covered in rainbow flags and tourist from around the globe descend on the city. Since last year Tel Aviv was named the world's number one gay destination, I imagine this year will be bigger than ever. More tourists, more events, more parties, more fun.

However, is Pride Month supposed to be about parties? A friend pointed out to me that the Pride Parade (and Pride Month) are not supposed to be about good times and parties. My friend told me that the real Pride Parades with meaning are in Jerusalem and Haifa. He have said that Tel Aviv has lost the meaning behind these important events. When I was told this, it made me think. As the readers of my blog know, I am very aware of the importance of gay pride. I have written about it in previous posts. Am I wrong for looking forward to all the fun? Did Pride Month in Tel Aviv really lose its meaning?

After thinking about these questions for a bit, I came to the conclusion that Tel Aviv is simply ahead of Jerusalem, Haifa and other conservative cities. When you walk down the street in central Tel Aviv, chances are you will see two men or two women walking and holding hands. They can do this without fear of being attacked or ridiculed. (This is true for the most part. There are always going to be a few hateful nuts out there). The mayor and the city council are proud and supportive of the city's LGBT population. In honor of Pride Month, the city is covered with rainbow flags and even a cross walk was given a makeover in a sign of solidarity. Tel Avivan's are a bit spoiled by the openness and tolerance of their city. There isn't a need to demand acceptance, because they have it.

While the situation in Tel Aviv might be great, this is not the case for the rest of the country. Tel Avivans should remember that they do not live in a bubble and that the fight for acceptance and tolerance in the rest of the country is still an uphill battle. 

A mere 50 minute drive down Highway 1, Jerusalem is the polar opposite of Tel Aviv. In Jerusalem, the pride parade is extremely controversial. Every year the police wonder if they could guarantee everyone's safety. "Religious leaders" from Islam, Judaism and Christianity stop fighting each other and unite behind their mutual hatred of gays. In Jerusalem, LGBT people must take to the streets and show that they will not be chased away or forced to hide who they are. They must show that they are not ashamed of who they are.

But while the fight for acceptance rages on in the rest of the country, I think it is OK for Tel Aviv to celebrate the progress made over the years. After all, Tel Aviv was not always the oasis of tolerance that it is now. It truly is amazing that in an area of the world like the Middle East where gays are put to death in 5 near by countries, a city like Tel Aviv exists. My advice to those that see a lack of meaning in Tel Avi's Pride month is to party in Tel Aviv, but also take the time to travel to a city like Jerusalem and march in their parade as well. Enjoy what you have in Tel Aviv and than try and bring it to the rest of the country. 

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! :D

Why be Proud?

I remember once coming out to someone and their answer was "that is a difficult life choice." And my response was "it is not a choice. Why would anyone chose this? If I could, I would be straight, but I cannot." I said this because I was newly out of the closet and scared. I was scared about how my family would take the news. I was scared about how I would be seen in society and whether society would reject me. I knew that being openly gay is not an easy thing to live with and I was terrified. I really wished I could be straight.

Today I would never say anything like that. I love being gay. It is true that it has made things difficult for my family. It is true that in my life I will have to deal with horrible homophobic people. I might not be able to legally get married (depending on where I end up living). But I can accept all that now. I have embraced my sexuality and my life is much better for it. The world is full of smart, wonderful, sweet, kind, beautiful guys and I love that I can enjoy that. When I love someone, I want everyone to know it. Why should my love be any different than a heterosexual person's love? Why should I let archaic social standards make me feel that I am less than anyone else? Who are they to decide that?


I very often hear things like...
"I don't hate gays, I just don't understand why they need the parades."
"What is gay pride? There is no such thing as straight pride."

When was the last time a young straight boy or girl killed themselves because they thought their very happiness would hurt their family? How many countries in the world put people to death for being heterosexual? Being gay is illegal in 78 countries around the world. In 7 countries -soon to be 8 if the Ugandan parliament passes the law they are trying to pass, gays are executed. In the US, among the top causes of death for LGBT teenagers is suicide.

Right now in the US, the Republican party is holding primaries. All the contenders disagree with each other on almost every issue. The only 2 issues that they all agree on are, no gay marriage and the return of "Don't ask "Don't Tell" banning gays in the military. They travel around the country spewing their hate in front of cheering crowds. Gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals off all ages see these political events. Their personal lives, their love is a political issues. They hear the cheers of the crowds full of strangers that hate them. All this is very damaging to an LGBT person's self image.

To counter act this damage, we must have the pride parades and the parades should be loud and colorful. All those that have been made to feel like they are less, need to see and hear the parade so they can know they do not have to feel that way. All the young teens that think they are facing a future of misery, need to be shown that it does not have to be that way. And it is important that these parades are not confined to San Francisco, New York, Barcelona, Tel Aviv etc. The parades need to happen in Oklahoma City, Arlington, Jerusalem and other "conservative" cities that wear their hate as a symbol of pride. The hate mongers need to know that they cannot force their intolerant standards onto others. And more importantly, the scared locals that are still in the closet need to know that they do not have to feel like they most hide who they are and that they are no less than anyone else. They need to know they can be proud.