Sharp Turn Ahead

I used to have very specific long term dreams. When I was a young teenager, my dream was to move to Israel, join the army and become a career officer. In the end, I moved to Israel, joined the army, realized that I hated every second of being in the army, and dumped the idea of becoming an officer.  My next dream was to go study at a university, get into a graduate program as quickly as possible, and start a career in academia. And of course, the idea of being a successful academic was part of a larger dream of building a life for myself in Israel. In the end, I started my studies as soon as I possibly could, signed up for a joint BA/MA program, learned that I did not enjoy the world of academia and dropped the idea of becoming an academic.And the longer I lived in Israel, the more I realized, I really do not like living in Israel.

Is anyone else noticing a pattern here? Some might say that I am a quitter. I would disagree with them because while I moved on from ideas that no longer made me happy, I never quit. I finished my army service, I finished my schooling and I've lived in Israel for 10 years.

When I used to hear about people that were "trying to find themselves", I would feel very superior. I used to be so sure that I knew who I was and where I wanted to go. What were these "flakes" doing traveling to India or some other seemingly random exotic country to find selves? I always knew who I was, how could someone not know who they are? What did it mean to "find one's self"?

It turns out that I was not superior. Nor did I know myself. Anyone that knows me, or has read this blog knows how true that is. I once thought I was a heterosexual, religious guy. I have since "realized" (grown?) that I am a homosexual, secular guy. I used to be someone who's identity was deeply rooted in Jewish nationalism and I have since realized that I am an intense individualist. I used to be someone with very specific long term dreams. I am now a person that has no idea what I want to do, or where I want to be in the long run.

In 23 days, my 10 and a half years of living in Israel will be coming to an end and I will be moving across Asia to Vietnam. Why? Because I want to (that is the easiest answer). And because I am on a journey to find myself. (I know, I am such a flake!) I am starting a new chapter with the hope that this change will make me happier and that maybe I will learn some more about myself and where where I want to go.

When I started this blog, the main idea was to write about my leaving religion, and my coming out as gay. I chose the name "Off the Path and onto the Road" because it symbolized the orthodox Jewish view of me going astray from the "religious path" and my view of starting to proceed on my own road. Those chapters in my life are over for now and my road is leading to other new adventures.

 While I am sure I will continue to write about religion on occasion, I assume there will be less motivation once I am in Vietnam. I assume that the main focus of my writing will be about being a stranger in a strange land (extra points to those that get the Bible reference) and my continues search for happiness and love. I do hope that my readers that have followed me along my road thus far will continue to follow me as the road takes a drastically different shape. And as always, I am deeply touched by each and every one of you that reads what I have to share. Thank you.

You Never Know

First let me start by apologizing to my readers for not updating my blog in a bit over a month. The truth is that I was simply not inspired enough to write anything. In spite of the fact that my life was calming down and I had been surrounded by caring friends and family, my life had become very mundane and uneventful. I spend my time staying by friends and going to physical and occupational therapy, with the occasional fun get together with friends. As I said, this left me uninspired. However, this weekend, that changed.

A few months back, when I was still in the rehab center, I was on one of the gay Facebook groups of which I am a member. One of the members of the group shared a video clip of them dancing. Me and another friend in the group both watched the video. I told my friend that I thought this guy dancing (who's name is David) was really great looking and he told me that I should try and talk to him. My first thought was that there was no way that this guy would give me the time of day.He was out of my league and wouldn't want to be bothered by someone like myself. My friend told me not assume anything about people and to try and strike up a conversation. So I did.

Me and David became pretty good friends. In fact he saved me from many of the loneliest nights in the rehab center by chatting or Skyping with me. He was not mean and did not treat me like I was beneath him in any way. And over the last few months we have stayed in touch.

Me and David

In person, David was just as nice and we had a wonderful time together. In fact, the weekend that I spent with him was easily the happiest I have been since before the accident. And not only was hanging out with David so great, his parents were extremely nice and friendly people who  warmly welcomed me into their home.

Me, David and his parents

To think that all of this might never had happened, had I followed my initial instinct and not messaged David in that Facebook group. I would have missed out on having a great friend and the wonderful trip up north. While the tragedies of the accident has taught me that you never know what horrible things can happen, my friendship with David has reminded me that you never know what wonderful things might happen. And while over the last few months, the fear of suddenly dying or being injured was the driving force in my life to go find happiness as quickly as possible (before it is too late), I am now inspired to go forward, excitingly waiting to see what other wonderful things might be coming my way.

Fear of Flying and Falling

At the moment I am sitting in Ben-Gurion International Airport waiting for my flight to New Jersey. When I was little, I use to love to fly. Through most of my life, my father would win trips from work and I was lucky enough to get to travel with my parents around the US and a bit internationally as well.

I remember before my fist flight ever when I was about 6 years old or so, I told my grandmother that I was scared to fly. She explained to me that flying is extremely safe, even safer than cars. I was very surprised by this, and even though at six years old I had no understanding of statistics, the information was trustworthy enough to rid me of my fears. During that first flight, I insisted on sitting by the window and looking outside the entire time.

Fast forward a few years. By the time I was a teenager, around 14 years old, I had had the idea of the "fear of god" drilled into me. On top of that, I was racked with guilt over my attraction to men and the fact that I, like every 14 year old masturbated. I was taught that these two "sins" were amongst the worse things that a person could do and that the punishment for them was death. Not only that, I was told that the punishment for "wasting seed" was that you could never get into heaven. At the time, the idea of godly punishment and heaven were extremely real to me and I lived in fear of being smitten by an angry god.

So scared! :-/

My fear reached a point that every time I got on a plane I actually expected it to crash. I would spend a good portion of every flight that I was on, mentally begging "god" to spare me. I would make all kinds of deals with "him". I was actually taught to do this by a rabbi that had taught me. He told me that it was a good idea to try and make deals with god, but that they had to be realistic. So I would say to "god" that " should I survive this flight I would not look at men for 30 days and that with "his" help I could go longer." But I also asked "him" to make it easier for me, because such promises were so difficult to fulfill.

Death Plane

Having realized that religion is  make-believe, and a man made invention, I no longer board a plane expecting the worse. In fact, just like when I was a little kid, I try and think of how statistically safe I am flying in order to fight any fears of flying that remain. I do not know if I ever will be completely without fear when flying, because in the end I do not like heights and really really do not like falling. But it is definitely a lot nicer flying now than it was in the past.

A Big Anniversary

The other day was an important anniversary for me. On August 14^th, 2011 I told my parents that I was gay. It was an extremely difficult day for all of us. While I my parents told me they loved me and would never cut me off, they cried a lot and had a very difficult time grasping the game changing news.

For me it was the point of no return. I was out of the closet and going to live my life as an openly gay man. My parents knew and I was hoping that there was a way that we could be as close as ever in spite of all that had just happened. So as shocking, scary and difficult as that day was, I really hoped that things would eventually improve.

For a while it was difficult. The subject often felt like the pink elephant in the room that no one wanted to talk about. When the subject did come up, my parents approached it in a very somber and sad way. Of course I understood - I had really shaken up their world.

But the good news is that things did improve. A few months ago my mom called me to tell me that she had read a good review about a café in Tel Aviv that was known as a popular hangout for gay guys in the city. This was a huge step! Not only did she recommend a gay hang out to me, it was a non-Kosher restaurant. Just a year earlier, when I was in Vietnam and I posted pictures of good food I had been eating, my dad called me saying that they could not handle seeing pictures on non-Kosher food that I ate. Now, my mom was recommending this café. Why? Because she loves me and thought I would enjoy it.

A few months later, after there was a sudden wave ofhomophobic comments being made by a few Israeli politicians, my mom called me and we discussed how she and my dad thought what was being said was horrible. A year earlier, I am not sure my parents would have disagreed with the statement that gays should be banned from serving in the army. Now my parents said to me that they think gays should be allowed to serve. What a turnaround!

Over the last year I have learned that my parents love for me is great enough and strong enough that they can learn to accept that I am gay and even change some of their preconceived ideas about gays. Are things perfect? No. But they are better and I am sure things will continue to improve. I am very lucky to have such great, loving parents and I love them very much.

Jerusalem Pride Parade

Yesterday was the 10th annual Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade. People that do not know much about Jerusalem might not realize how significant it is that there is a pride parade in the city that is holy to Judaism. Christianity and Islam. So here is some background.

For around two thousand years, Jews, Christians and Muslims and been killing each other over the ownership of the city. However, the three religions seem to be able to find common ground and work together when it comes to the issue of gay pride in the city. Every year since the first parade in 2002, the radical religious groups in the city and from around the world try and do everything they can to stop the parade from happening. In 2005, one particular nutcase rushed into a group of marchers with a knife, stabbing 3 people. In 2006. the threat of violence against the parade was so great that the police said they could not guarantee the safety of the participants. So the parade was moved to a stadium and no spectators were aloud.

Besides Jerusalem's special significance to the 3 major monotheistic religions, it has a large personal significance as well. I lived in Jerusalem or in its suburbs for around 8 years. When I dreamed of coming to Israel as a young boy to" fulfill my religious and nationalistic duties", I dreamed of the city of Jerusalem. When I first started to leave the religion, living in Jerusalem made it very difficult. The secular community of Jerusalem is shrinking and it lives in the shadows of the growing ultra-orthodox communities. When I would tell people that I did not believe in god, they would look at me like I was a total lunatic. The city life also revolves around religious life, meaning that from Friday night to Saturday night pretty much everything is closed and all you can do is stay home.

Coming out as gay in Jerusalem was even more difficult. For about a year I worked as a security guard at Jerusalem's Hebrew University. It was not uncommon to see some of my coworkers make fun of openly gay students. On a number of occasions, I heard coworkers announce how they would refuse to work side by side a gay security guard. Needless to say, I was always very worried that someone at work would find out I was gay. So Jerusalem became a symbol of my old religious, closeted life.I could not wait to get away and move to a more tolerant city like Tel Aviv.

Today, when I go back to Jerusalem to visit and I see all the men dressed in black and all the women with their hair covered and in long heavy clothes in the summer, I think to myself "how was this ever a part of my life? I am so glad I got away from it and can live my life freely and in a way that will make me happy".So now going back to Jerusalem for a pride parade, I was looking forward to celebrating how far I had come in the last few years.

You can be sure that the Jerusalem Pride Parade is very different than most other parades. It is more of a protest than a celebration. The sidewalks were not full with cheerful spectators rooting the marchers on, rather the sidewalks were pretty empty. There were a few people clapping here and there. There where a few people making rude hand gestures. But mostly there was just police.

My personal highlight was when the parade passed by "Hachel Shlomo", the offices of the Israeli Chief Rabbanit. The chief rabbis are among the leaders of the anti-Jerusalem pride parade camp. They say how having LGBTQ people march in the "holy city" is a desecration. But there I was, marching past their offices anyways. Tolerance had beaten superstition and hate. For years religion made me deny and feel ashamed about being gay. And now I was marching in a gay pride parade, holding a rainbow pride flag, in Jerusalem, right under the noses of the intolerant and hateful rabbis. What a feeling!

That is me holding my flag during the parade. The tall building with the dome in the background, is  "Hachel Shlomo", the offices of the Israeli Chief Rabbani   

Confessions of an Insomniac

Lately I have been suffering from insomnia. I will have 2,3 or 4 sleepless nights in a row. This is followed by a night in which I pass out and cannot even wake up in the morning. I wake up after 12 hours of sleep and then the cycle repeats itself. It would be wonderful if I could put all these extra "awake hours" to good use. I have a thesis that is due soon, a seminar paper, summer classes and tests for which I need to study. But no, this time is waste. I am too tired and frustrated to focus on anything important. Instead I lay awake in bed frustrated, hoping to fall asleep.

For as long as I can remember, I always had trouble falling asleep. On average, it would take me an hour or 2 of lying in bed to actually fall asleep. But I use to enjoy the time in bed, surrounded by the darkness and left to my thoughts. When I was little I would imagine I was a super hero or something fun like that. When I got older I used to fantasize about becoming an amazing, professional hockey player (quite the fantasy), or about romance, and of course about sex. Sometimes I even put the time to good use and I would make plans, or set new goals for myself. So, I was never really bothered by that hour or so that it took me to fall asleep.

But today it is different. It is no longer just an hour or so. I am awake pretty much the whole night. My mind no longer wonders to fantasies and dreams. Rather I get nervous about school. I think of all the work that needs to be done at my job. I wonder why I fall in love with guys that do not love me. I look at the clock and get frustrated at the fact that I am still awake. I count back how many hours are left for me to sleep before I must wake up.

I am not sure why my insomniac nights are such downers. I do have a lot of pressure to meet a number of super important deadlines that are quickly approaching. But other than that things are looking up. Hopefully I will soon graduate from my Masters program. If all goes according to plan, in just a few more months I will be moving to Vietnam and hopefully getting the chance to press the restart button on my life. I have good friends and I live in a wonderful city in which there is always something to do. However, in spite of all this, my sleepless nights remain negative.

I am not sure why I am writing this post. But it is 1:00am and I am lying in bed, dead tired, yet wide awake. Maybe writing about it will put my mind at ease and I will get some sleep. Tomorrow evening is the Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade. I know it will be very different than the Tel Aviv Pride Parade from a few weeks ago. You can be sure there will be a post about that.

Goodnight world and here's hoping I fall asleep soon!

A Dangerous New Trend

In the last few weeks there has been a disgusting (yet not surprising) new trend among some of Israel's "elite" to publicly trash gays. The first shot was fired my a member of the Kenneset (Israel's parliament) named Anastassia Michaeli. She said that most gays were abused as children and grow up as depressed people who commit suicide by the age of 40. She also expressed alarm at the fact that her children can hear about gays when they watch TV. A few days later, another member of the Kenneset by the name of Uri Ariel called on the Israeli Military to stop enlisting gays. His idea is that since "god" wants to kill gays, it is dangerous for them to be around heterosexual soldiers.

It is obvious to anyone with even a tinniest bit of intelligence that the statements made by these two parliamentary is nothing but absolute stupidity. Michaeli could simply see the large number of gays that are around and in public life above the age of 40 and the HUGE amount of gays that were never sexually abused and know that she is wrong. But facts are not that important to someone that just wants to spew hate. And for a religious man, Ariel does not have much faith in his god's aim. Apparently he is worried that he will miss when trying to smite a homosexual and hit a straight soldier. (Never mind the fact that "god" also wants to kill people that don't keep the sabbath and the majority of soldiers in the army do not). But just because both of these people are ridiculously dumb individuals, does not mean that there fame does not give them influence.

In our society, for better or worse, when famous people speak everyone listens. When US President Barak Obama said that he supports marriage equality, polls showed a rise in support for marriage equality across African American communities. That was the "for the better" part. The "for the worse part" comes through in articles like this one in Israel after the two homophobic MKs made their opinions public: "Whoever Does Not Fight Their Lust, How Can They Fight Against The Enemy".

The article is in Hebrew, so I will summarize it for my readers that do not read Hebrew. Basically the article says that the army is for winners and gays are inherently losers because they have given into their evil urges. And this article was not published by some extreme "ultra-orthodox" or hassidic website. The website that published this hateful trash is a "modern-orthodox", "main stream", "down to earth" website. But homophobia in the parliament has empowered the haters to come out and spread their poison - and hate tends to spread very quickly.

Why can't people disagree and disapprove of something/someone without trying to harm those they disagree and disapprove of? I do not like religion, but I would never claim it should be outlawed or that religious people should have less rights. Why do those people that disapprove of homosexuality constantly try and make LGBTQ people second class citizens, if not criminals?

Ms. Michaeli, if you do not want your children to know about homosexuality, you are more than welcome to move to Iran. And as for Mr. Ariel, gays fight and die in the army the same way heterosexuals do. I was a "lone soldier" and served in the tank corp. I served 3 years in the army (more than many "god fearing" soldiers serve) and always did what I was commanded to the best of my ability. I was even sent into Lebanon in 2006. My homosexuality never had an effect on anything or anyone. But don't let facts get in the way of your stupidity and bigotry.

Happy Pride Month

Its now June and in Tel Aviv that means it is "Pride Month". The city is covered in rainbow flags and tourist from around the globe descend on the city. Since last year Tel Aviv was named the world's number one gay destination, I imagine this year will be bigger than ever. More tourists, more events, more parties, more fun.

However, is Pride Month supposed to be about parties? A friend pointed out to me that the Pride Parade (and Pride Month) are not supposed to be about good times and parties. My friend told me that the real Pride Parades with meaning are in Jerusalem and Haifa. He have said that Tel Aviv has lost the meaning behind these important events. When I was told this, it made me think. As the readers of my blog know, I am very aware of the importance of gay pride. I have written about it in previous posts. Am I wrong for looking forward to all the fun? Did Pride Month in Tel Aviv really lose its meaning?

After thinking about these questions for a bit, I came to the conclusion that Tel Aviv is simply ahead of Jerusalem, Haifa and other conservative cities. When you walk down the street in central Tel Aviv, chances are you will see two men or two women walking and holding hands. They can do this without fear of being attacked or ridiculed. (This is true for the most part. There are always going to be a few hateful nuts out there). The mayor and the city council are proud and supportive of the city's LGBT population. In honor of Pride Month, the city is covered with rainbow flags and even a cross walk was given a makeover in a sign of solidarity. Tel Avivan's are a bit spoiled by the openness and tolerance of their city. There isn't a need to demand acceptance, because they have it.

While the situation in Tel Aviv might be great, this is not the case for the rest of the country. Tel Avivans should remember that they do not live in a bubble and that the fight for acceptance and tolerance in the rest of the country is still an uphill battle. 

A mere 50 minute drive down Highway 1, Jerusalem is the polar opposite of Tel Aviv. In Jerusalem, the pride parade is extremely controversial. Every year the police wonder if they could guarantee everyone's safety. "Religious leaders" from Islam, Judaism and Christianity stop fighting each other and unite behind their mutual hatred of gays. In Jerusalem, LGBT people must take to the streets and show that they will not be chased away or forced to hide who they are. They must show that they are not ashamed of who they are.

But while the fight for acceptance rages on in the rest of the country, I think it is OK for Tel Aviv to celebrate the progress made over the years. After all, Tel Aviv was not always the oasis of tolerance that it is now. It truly is amazing that in an area of the world like the Middle East where gays are put to death in 5 near by countries, a city like Tel Aviv exists. My advice to those that see a lack of meaning in Tel Avi's Pride month is to party in Tel Aviv, but also take the time to travel to a city like Jerusalem and march in their parade as well. Enjoy what you have in Tel Aviv and than try and bring it to the rest of the country. 

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! :D

My Complicated Relationship with my Parents and the American Elections

My parents took my leaving the religious Jewish life style very badly. At first there was a lot of crying, screaming and some nasty things were said. For about a year and a half after I told them, things were very awkward between us. They kept me in their lives because they loved me, but they were terrified that any of their friends might find out that I was not religious. So while I knew they loved me (and they told me this often), I also felt that they were embarrassed by me and ashamed of me.

After this difficult and harsh reaction, I expected the worse when I told them I was gay. But my parents surprised me. While this news was very hard for them to handle, they knew that it was not something they could change and that since they wanted me in their life, they would have to figure out a way to live with me being gay. And today, I am happy to say that my relationship with my parents is better than it has been in years. We get along well and are able to spend a lot of time together. Not everything is perfect. They obviously still do not want their friends and our extended family to know that I am not religious or that I am gay, but I have made my peace with that issue. It is their problem, not mine. But all in all, for the first time in years, I feel comfortable and no longer out of place when I am with my parents.

The one subject that seems to get me very uncomfortable and pretty upset when talking with my parents is actually the US presidential elections. My parents are hardcore Republicans. They believe Obama is utter evil and his election would mean "the end of democracy in America". While I am no fan of Obama and cannot imagine that I would ever vote for him, I could also never vote for Romney and the Republicans. How could I vote for people that campaign on hate? How could I vote for someone that supports amending the US Constitution with a homophobic clause?

I know that you all must be thinking, "just don't talk politics". But the politics are just the microcosm. What really hurts me is that my parents can support someone that says I should NEVER be able to marry who I love (FYI, Romney is also against civil unions). I really hope that one day I will be lucky enough to find a guy that loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. It hurts to know that my parents would not want to see any such relationship recognized at marriage. It hurts to know that they would want that written into the law. It is beyond my understanding how my parents can love me as much as they do and still support such a law. I cannot fathom how millions of people around the country that I have never met, could be fighting for my (and of course millions of other's) right to marry and my own parents that love me would be against it.

I know my parents are Orthodox Jews and that Orthodox Judaism will never recognize gay marriage. Frankly, I do not care. If you believe in some bronze age book of myths and rules that cannot change, that is your right. But the government does not work off that book. The US government is suppose to be about freedom and equality before the law. So just like my parents would recognize any man and woman they know as civilly married if some judge said it was so, I would hope they could do the same for me. But that is not the case. Any love that me and some guy might share someday, will never be good enough in my parents eyes to receive the title "marriage" and I do not understand why.

The Nonsensical "Values" of Conservatism

According to the Torah, the Jewishness of a child is determined by the father. I know that many of readers will be surprised to read that because today everyone knows that a child's Jewishness is determined by the mother. But if you were to read the Torah, you will see that the many lists of different character's lineage only contain men. Women/mothers did not enter the writer's heads. So what changed? When the Roman Empire conquered Ancient Judea, it became very common for Roman soldiers to rape Jewish women. When a married woman was raped, there was no way of knowing if her child was her husband's or the Roman soldiers. So the Rabbis of the time decided to switch the determining parent from the male to the female.

I know that must surprise many of my readers as well. Rabbis at one point in history actually decided to change and adapt. For thousands of years Judaism revolved around the Temple in Jerusalem. When the Temple was destroyed, the Rabbis once again adapted and changed the religion to survive. All this happened before the idea of "conservatism" was invented (I am referring to the general social/political idea and attitude. Not to be confused with the Conservative religious sect of modern Judaism). 

Today conservatives around the world, Jewish and not Jewish believe that change must be fought. They believe they have certain practices, certain ideas or "values" and any discussion that things might have changed over the last tens, hundreds or thousands of years is simply wrong. But if people had always thought this way, their religions that they love so much would have died out hundreds or thousands of years ago. The world is always changing and smart people know how to learn and adapt where as conservatism insists on staying the same and refusing to adapt as if their attitude will stop time from passing. 

Today religious Jews are absolutely panicked about intermarriage and "assimilation". If a Jewish man marries a non Jewish woman, his bloodline and his lineage are lost to the Jewish people and any children he fathers with his non Jewish wife will not be Jewish. They believe that if this growing trend continues, Judaism as they know it and accept it will disappear. However, since history shows that the Rabbis can and have switched the determining parent between the man and the woman in the past, wouldn't it make sense for Rabbis to say it is enough that one parent be Jewish? Than there would be no danger of their religion vanishing. But their conservative mind set tells them that they cannot bend. The world must not change and their religion must not change. 

A few days ago, 40,000 ultra-orthodox Jewish men went to a rally at Citi-Field in New York to listen to Rabbis warn them about the dangers of the internet. These Rabbis commanded their followers to avoid the internet and warned them that it is evil. (Obviously new technologies and unrestricted access to knowledge is very dangerous to ultra-Orthodox Judaism). One Rabbi, Rabbi Wachsman told the crowd that whoever did not follow these new edicts and bands on the internet would not be able to get into heaven. 

Obviously, I really don't care if people believe Facebook and Gmail will stop them from getting into fantasy "wonderland".  But I must ask again, why be so conservative? Why would the ultra-Orthodox not use the internet to communicate between communities around the globe and share ideas on their religion? There is no value to this kind of conservatism. 

The same conservative attitude is causing all the grief in America over gay marriage. The conservative says that "marriage has always been between one man and one woman and therefore cannot change". Ignoring the fact that that statement is in no way whatsoever even slighly historically accurate, why can't marriage change? Through most of history, marriage was all about producing children. Today marriage is about love. So why can't the "institution" adapt and include the love of two men or two women? If you don't agree with gay marriage, than don't have one. But how does it affect you if someone else does? What do conservatives gain by telling people no? 

GOProud, Orthodox Gays and Other "Queer" Combinations

Controversial gay activist Dan Savage was recently asked to apologize for comments he made about the Bible. His exact words were "We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people, the same way we have learned to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about shellfish, about slavery, about dinner, about farming, about menstruation, about virginity, about masturbation". The main group demanding this apology, is a group called GOProud, the "gay wing" of the Republican party. While I appreciate that members of GOProud are homosexuals that tend to be fiscally conservative and prefer small government (2 opinions I personally agree with), I cannot understand their social conservatism. How can they defend the evil the Bible says about homosexuals and at the same time call themselves proud gays? 


Even more so, I do not understand how this group can endorse a a candidate for the presidency that wants to write into the US constitution an amendment that is anti gay marriage. I understand party politics. I understand that members of this group can be gay and still religious and therefore don't want their churches and religious institutions to have to change. However, I cannot understand how this group can abandon their fellow human beings that are fighting for what they feel to be their civil rights. I can't understand how they can endorse the homophobia of the Bible and yet claim to be proud?


Similarly, there is a growing trend in Israel of openly gay, orthodox Jews. These men wear kippot, women that dress according to Jewish conservative standards, keep Jewish dietary laws, as well as the Jewish Sabbath and have openly homosexual relationships and march in gay pride parades. Again, this is a group of people that accept the homophobia of the Torah to be the word of the one true "god", but at the same time are proud of their homosexuality? 

While talking about a group of openly gay Catholics in the episode of "Bullshit" dealing with the Vatican, Penn Jillette says, "A gay Catholic seems like a Jewish Nazi to us". While Orthodox Judaism is a little less harsh than the Catholic Church in regards to their view of homosexuals, I have to admit that I find the combination to be somewhat ridiculous and to a large extent self hatting. How can someone claim to both be proud of who they are, including their homosexuality and at the same time believe that an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscience god condemns and hates homosexuality? 






Obviously I agree with Savage and Penn when they dismiss the bible as "bullshit" (their word choice, not mine). How can a book so full of hate and evil be true? But there are these groups that have somehow reconciled their gay pride and their belief in this book and I simply cannot understand how they do it. I am a huge proponent and individual rights and freedoms. I am the last person that will tell these people that they have to change their views or anything like that. But I am genuinely curious about how they mix these contradictions in their lives. I would love to ask any of my readers that have any insight on the subject to please comment on this post. Are these groups delusional or is there something that I am missing?

A Night Out with my Wing Girls- A Night to Remember

A few nights ago, I went out with my friends Jessica and Emily. The original plan for the evening was that Emily was going to introduce me to a guy that she thought I might hit it off with. However, in between the time that the plan was made and the day we were supposed to all meet up, this guy found himself a boyfriend. So me and my friends decided we should still go out and have a good time. They had never seen a drag show before, so we went to the Tuesday night show at Evita Bar in Tel Aviv. They also said they were determined to find me a guy.

I am a little nervous about writing about what happened that night. Not because I am embarrassed about anything that happened - not at all. I am just worried that the events of that night cannot be fully appreciated by people that were not there. But I will push my writing skills to the limit and I will try and tell the story over as best as possible. 

We started the night out at a nice restaurant were we had dinner and some cocktails. We later went to Emily's apartment were we drank some vodka. The show was suppose to start at 11pm, so we made it to the bar by 10:15 so that we be would able to stand as close as possible to the stage. While we waited for the show to start, we had more cocktails and shots. 

The drag show was great as always. The main performers were Talula Bonet and Diva D, who are part of the Gevald line that I wrote about in an earlier post. They also had some young guest drag queens that performed wonderfully as well - Karma Sutra and Glory Holy-Wood. During the show my friends had a few more shots.

By the intermission we were all quite drunk. Jess and Emily went hunting for guys to introduce me to. We all started talking with this guy who seemed very nice. But midway through the conversation, some other guy joined our conversation and hit it off with the one we were talking to. I told the girls, "thanks for trying, but you are wasting your efforts". They insisted they would find me someone. We went back in for the second half and had more drinks.

After the show, (around 1am) the place started to empty out. Normally I would go home at this point, but Emily wanted to stay and dance on the stage. All in all, we had a good time dancing, and I even learned a bit how to dance from the girls. Around 230am, we went to sit outside to get some air. That is when he showed up. He was a bit shorter than me, about 5'11'', with medium length blonde hair sticking out from under a beanie, big blue eyes, full lips and an amazing body. He was wearing a wife beater that allowed any on lookers to get a glimpse of a few well placed tattoos on his back and chest. He was walking his dog and asked the guard if he could tie his dog up outside and than he went in. 

My friends followed him in and talked to him for a few minutes, after which they signaled for me to come join them. They bought a round of shots for everyone left in the bar (about 8 people). I stood next to the sexy blonde guy (who we will call B). He put his arm around me and started to talk to me. He was very sweet and very friendly. He pulled me out to dance and we danced for a few minutes. After that he danced with my friends for a bit.

He than came back to me and we talked a bit. He kept telling me how Jess and Emily said so many great things about me and how lucky I am to have such great friends. As we talked he held my hand and played with my fingers. He seemed very interested in me. At some point we went back to the dance floor. He pulled off his shirt and started dancing with me very intensely. He had the softest, smooth skin. I kept noticing his perfect smile and the nice smell of shampoo from his hair. We danced until they turned off the music and told us that the place was closed. 

The girls wanted to go to a near by 24 hour breakfast place (because they were drunk off their asses and needed to eat something). They told B he should join us, but he said he couldn't. Just then some friends of his showed up and he said he had a boyfriend and had to go. He started to walk away than suddenly turned, ran back over to me, gave a quick kiss on the lips and than turned and left. 

Needles to say I was quite frustrated. At this point Jessica and Emily were so drunk that they could barley walk. They sat down on the sidewalk and joked around for about 45 minutes before we finally made it across the street to the breakfast place. The girls ate their food and spilled syrup and water all over each other while I kept thinking how it is possible that I finally met a guy that seemed like he was interested in me and yet am still alone. 

At about 5am the girls finished their breakfast and we started to walk towards Emily's house to drop her off. Along the way I started to tell the girls how I was very frustrated about how things had gone with B. I was holding an empty diet coke bottle which I threw down on the ground in frustration. I looked down to see it shatter, but when I looked up I was shocked. Their was B and his dog asleep on a street bench looking very cold and uncomfortable. 

We were not sure what to do. I went over to him and woke him up. We asked him if he needed anything and told him that he could come sleep at any of our apartments if he needed. He insisted that he was very close to home. He thanked us and than ran off with his dog. 

We were stunned. Here was this really sweet guy that we just got to know and now it would appear that he was in some kind of trouble. At first we thought he must be homeless, but than we realized that could not be the case. His clothes, as well as his body and his dog were all very clean. But than Jessica said she noticed some kind of mark on his arm that made her think he might be using heroin or something of the sorts. A few minutes before I was feeling very low, but after seeing B sleeping on a street bench, all those feelings vanished. All I wanted to do was help him.

But I do not know where he is and I have not seen him since. I have been back on that street a few times since that night and I keep looking and hoping to see him again. I want to make sure he is OK and see if there is anything I can do for him. I want to talk to him and find out what is his story. I want to hold him and to kiss him and listen to what he has to say. I want to be able to tell him that things will be OK. But I probably will never see him again.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly someone can find a place for themselves in my memory. I won't forget how much fun I had dancing with him. I also will not forget the feelings of shock and helplessness I felt when we first saw him asleep on that bench. Where ever you are B, I really hope you are OK. Hugs and kisses from Ami. 

The Eye of the Beholder

I spent the last day and the half feeling pretty down. The other day was Israeli Independence Day, the most fun holiday in Israel. I was very excited to go out Wednesday evening and party with my friends. I was also very aware of the fact that should I succeed in moving to Hanoi at the end of the year, this was very likely my last Israeli Independence Day as a resident of the country, so I wanted to make it count.

At one point me and my friends made it over to a bar called "Evita", THE gay bar of Tel Aviv. I was having a good time with my friends, trying to dance in my own unique way, when I noticed a cute guy (of course he was Asian) dancing up a storm about 2 yards away from me.  My friends tried to push me in his direction so that I would dance with him, but I balked. I WAS TERRIFIED! My fragile self-esteem could not take rejection.

Later on that evening, drunk and angry at myself for being such a coward, I stepped outside to get some air. A guy who later told me that he was about 50 years old started to talk to me.

Him: "Don't I know you from somewhere"?
Me: "I don't think so".
Him: "I think I do. Didn't you use to be fatter".
Me (very shocked and not knowing whether to be insulted or flattered): "Yes".
(It turns out he had seen me around Bar Ilan University). 
Him: "Well your still fat enough for me, and I like fat guys".

Now I was insulted! Just to make sure I was really insulted, he went on to assume that I was significantly older than I am. That was enough to ruin the whole evening for me, which was a real shame. In my mind I had just been called fat and ugly.

Of course, that is not what happened. What really happened was that someone (granted he was old enough to be my dad) found me attractive and tried to pick me up - granted in a very tactless way, and I rejected him. And why did I reject him? Because I found him to be unattractive (and tactless).

I get upset whenever I am reject based on my looks, so why do I do it to other guys? Everyone always says "it is what is inside that counts", but everyone also knows that that is bologna. The truth is that both the inside and the outside are very important. It is true (and it has happened to me) that when you become attracted to someone's personality, you can become attracted to their looks even if at first you did not find them attractive. But that takes a lot of time. So when first meeting someone, looks are very important.

And while there might be a general consensus that guys like Zac Efron are attractive, looks can be very subjective. There are guys that make me go weak at the knees that my friends think are ugly and vice versa. Beauty can be subjective. Since coming out of the closet, I have been with quite a number of guys (in a very non trashy, not slutty way of course) and the vast majority of them, I found to be very attractive.

                                              To me: GORGEOUS!
                                              To my great friend Ella: Ugly ???


                                           

                                                                                      

So while I may never be a super model, I am still holding out hope to meet someone that is beautiful on the inside and the outside. The thing I must really work on is my fear of rejection. I cannot become paralyzed with fear whenever I am in a situation to meet someone. So the journey to self improvement continues. I hope I will get to write a post about "the wonderful guy I met" sooner, rather than later.

How Judaism Haunts Me and Why I Must Leave Israel

Many people I know don't understand why I hate Judaism so much. They think that since I am no longer practicing, I should just move on. They do not understand why I write about it and talk about it as much as I do. The reason is that Judaism haunts me. I know this might sound dramatic and might be hard for some to understand. In fact, it is often hard for me to put into words and explain. So that is where this post comes in. Hopefully what I write here, along with any comments/conversation that stems from this post, will be clear enough to explain my feelings.

Most of my religious life was very complicated. I was a very proud, religious Zionist and in many ways radical about my connection to Judaism - the religion and the people. However, at the same time I always resented the burden I felt came along with this. I remember at a young age, a friend of my parents brought to a Sabbath lunch a woman that was in the process of converting. I could not understand why anyone would ever want to volunteer to be part of Orthodox Judaism. I figured I was born into it and did not have a choice and therefore I should embrace it. But given the choice, I would never choose it.

A fellow blogger friend of mine, Coin Laundry recently posted a comment on Facebook that reminded me about a debate I had with a bunch of friends when I was around 14 years old. I had asked my friends, if they were to discover that they were not really Jewish by birth, would they convert. Interestingly the majority of the boys said no and the majority of the girls said yes, but overall more said yes than no. I was shocked. I would have been so relieved to discover I was not Jewish. Who needs all the constraints, the guilt and the responsibility? I later brought the question up to my father. He answered that he would convert as well. Again, I was shocked. Why would anyone want this as part of their life?

As I got older, my sexuality became quite the burden. I could not help being attracted to guys. Every time I prayed I would ask "god" to take these feelings away, because I did not want to sin, but could not help myself. On Yom Kippur (the Jewish day of atonement and judgment) I would beg "god" to spare my life. I would tell him that if he just took away this attraction than I wouldn't be so tempted and everything would be OK. Of course I remained attracted to guys and my feelings of guilt and fear of heavenly punishment grew all the time.

When I finally left Judaism behind, there was an amazing burden lifted from my shoulders. (I still tried to hide the fact I was gay but that was because of my family, not religion). Slowly I was able to learn to think freely and resented myself less and less. I was free.

But of course I live in Israel, the Jewish country. Everywhere I look, I am constantly reminded of religion. Religious parties sit in the government and push their agenda on the nation. My university requires all Jewish students to take Judaic courses. When going out, kosher vs non Kosher food, open on the Sabbath or closes, all must be taken into account. On the Sabbath their is no public transportation. Religious people sit on the street corner and try and convince you to follow their ways. Old senile men like Ovadia Yosef wave great power here, just because they are Rabbis with many followers. And while in theory all of these things can be easily ignored, for me they are a constant reminder of the feelings I had back when I was religious.

I think a good analogy would be to a man who was imprisoned and is released after many years. He can walk around freely and do whatever he pleases. His life is his own. However, he would not want to see prison guards, barbed wire and jail cells everywhere he looked. These things may not be a part of his life anymore, but he most certainly would not want to be reminded about it all the time.

This is why I feel that I must leave Israel behind. I need to put some space between me and my past so that I can properly "get over it". While I will probably never embrace Judaism ever again, I do not want to hate it forever. I hope with my planned move across the globe to Vietnam at the end of this year, I can begin to finally move on.

A Passover Discussion about Gay Marriage

I spent the first days of this Passover with my parents at a hotel at the Dead Sea. These religious holiday getaways are generally pretty boring, but it was nice spending the time with my family. Saturday afternoon at the hotel, a rabbi was giving a class on "religious coercion and Jewish law". Knowing my extreme disdain for religion and especially for religious coercion, my parents thought it would be interesting if I went to the lecture with them.

To be honest, the lecture was surprisingly good. The Rabbi was as opened minded as Orthodox Judaism can allow. His overall point was "if people want to live in sin, forcing them to live according to Jewish law won't make them love god and want to live according to the Torah". The interesting part came after the lecture when my mom wanted to discuss what I thought about the matter.

The discussion started out as a debate on morality. My mom thinks religion, specifically Judaism is the proper moral way of life. I explained why I felt it was immoral in general and specifically not a life style for me. She responded by saying that my dislike for religion is simply because of "my life situation", which translates to "because I am gay". And at that point, the conversation became about gay marriage.

I tried to explain to my mom that she can be against gay marriage and hate it all she wants. But that still doesn't mean she has to expect others to agree with her or live by those same rules. I explained that she already recognizes civil, Christian, Muslim, Hindu etc marriages which according to her belief system are not real marriages. But she said that gay marriage would "destroy the moral fabric of society".

Its funny how many people use that line, but no one really seems to know what it means. How would gay marriage destroy the moral fabric of society? Would it create more killers, more thieves? Would 2 gay men living together and being able to file taxes jointly create more rapists?

My mothers final line was "just don't call it marriage". But again, why not? What is marriage? The way I see there are basically 3 major kinds of marriage. The first is the religious kind. The "holy union" declared in some ceremony, by some form of clergy. In this kind of marriage, each religion and each clergy gets to decide their own rules. I really don't expect Orthodox Judaism or the Catholic Church to start performing gay marriages (and I really don't care if they ever do).

While gay religious marriage might be more complicated, the next 2 types of marriage are perfectly suitable for 2 men or 2 women - social and intra-couple. Marriage is a social took to create families. I can think of no good reason why 2 people of the same gender cannot be a family. Even without marriage, brothers, sisters, fathers and sons, mothers and daughters are all family. Of course some people make it an issue of offspring, but infertile couple can marry, so that can't really be an issue. The intra-couple form of marriage is simply when a couple wants to publicly declare their love and commitment to one another publicly. This is completely personal and no one outside of the couple really gets to have a say in the matter.

But of course all the logic in the world will not convince the extremely religious/conservative to tolerate (let's not even talk about accepting) someone else's values. But being anti-marriage equality is not going to make there be less homosexuals. It is just going to continue to treat homosexuals as second class citizens. And in the end, having a country which does not treat all its citizens equally, really is the destruction of the moral fiber of society.

The Day I Told My Parents

From the moment I first started to tell my friends I am gay, I knew that an invisible countdown had started until the day I would have to tell my parents. I did not know how they would take the news. They had reacted much worse than I ever expected when I told them that I was no longer religious. I thought that this bit of information might push them over the edge.

As time passed the reasons for my apprehension grew. My parents decided one night to sit me down and tell me that if I ever were to marry a non Jewish girl, our relationship would be over. During that talk, I thought about telling them that they need not worry about me marrying any kinda girl, but I did not know if that would make things worse or what. On the one hand I would not be intermarrying in a form of marriage they would recognize. On the other hand, I was gay. Over the years, I had heard my parents use anti-gay slurs in conversation. But I had discovered while coming out to friends that while people might not like "gays" in theory, once a close friend comes out to them, they get over it. Would this hold true for my parents as well?

I decided I would put off having this particular conversation with them as long as possible. More so, I decided I would wait for them to ask me. I wanted to avoid the drama of a big coming out announcement. As time passed I would drop hints, hoping that they would understand and bring up the subject. Dropping hints was easy. Being a 26 year old guy from an orthodox Jewish family, the topic of dating and marriage is brought up very often. Whereas once I would be very open and honest about my dating life, I started to give very vague answers. I would say things like, "That part of my life is private", or simply "don't worry about that".

Of course, with every passing month my fear grew. I started having nightmares about their reaction to the news. Sometimes they would kick me out of the family. Other times they would get depressed, lose their sanity and their lives would be destroyed.  While I knew most of these dreams were not realistic, they still added to my fear. I could not work up the courage to tell them and continued to wait for them to ask.

In the summer of 2011 I made my trip to Vietnam. Every few days I would post pictures online so that my friends and family could see. I knew my parents were expecting/scared that I would meet a Vietnamese girl while traveling. But none of the pictures I ever posted showed me with any girls, just guys. I knew that, coupled with the other "hints" would finally get my parents to suspect that I am gay. I started to get myself emotionally prepared for the conversation that I knew was coming when I would get back to Israel.

A few days after I got back, my family was moving apartments. For some reason I "knew" that my parents were going to bring it up in the middle of the move. And sure enough, while I was unpacking boxes in my new room, my dad came in and closed the door. He said that he had a question and he couldn't not know the answer to it any more. He asked, "Are you not interested in girls? It might be none of my business, but I have to know". I answered that it is OK to ask and that it is true that I am not interested in girls. I told him that I tried to be, but I just wasn't. He hugged me and said that it will be OK and that he still loves me. He then went to the old apartment to tell my mom.

After he brought my mom back to the new house, my dad came upstairs and told me that my mom was waiting for me downstairs. I was so scared. I waited a few minutes to work up my courage to go downstairs. When I finally did, I saw my mom sitting on the couch crying. I sat next to her and we talked for a little bit. When she calmed down she said that she still loves me no matter what.

After that I left the house and wandered around the neighborhood calling friends. I really don't remember much. I remember the fiends that I spoke to, Ben, Ella, David Avishai, Hoang, and I remember they were all helpful. But I do not remember what we said to each other. That day was very difficult, but I am glad it is behind me. Today, my relationship with my parents is better than it has been in a long time and I no longer have to hide anything from them. I hope with time, things will continue to improve and that some day, I will have a family of my own that my parents will love and accept.

Why be Proud?

I remember once coming out to someone and their answer was "that is a difficult life choice." And my response was "it is not a choice. Why would anyone chose this? If I could, I would be straight, but I cannot." I said this because I was newly out of the closet and scared. I was scared about how my family would take the news. I was scared about how I would be seen in society and whether society would reject me. I knew that being openly gay is not an easy thing to live with and I was terrified. I really wished I could be straight.

Today I would never say anything like that. I love being gay. It is true that it has made things difficult for my family. It is true that in my life I will have to deal with horrible homophobic people. I might not be able to legally get married (depending on where I end up living). But I can accept all that now. I have embraced my sexuality and my life is much better for it. The world is full of smart, wonderful, sweet, kind, beautiful guys and I love that I can enjoy that. When I love someone, I want everyone to know it. Why should my love be any different than a heterosexual person's love? Why should I let archaic social standards make me feel that I am less than anyone else? Who are they to decide that?


I very often hear things like...
"I don't hate gays, I just don't understand why they need the parades."
"What is gay pride? There is no such thing as straight pride."

When was the last time a young straight boy or girl killed themselves because they thought their very happiness would hurt their family? How many countries in the world put people to death for being heterosexual? Being gay is illegal in 78 countries around the world. In 7 countries -soon to be 8 if the Ugandan parliament passes the law they are trying to pass, gays are executed. In the US, among the top causes of death for LGBT teenagers is suicide.

Right now in the US, the Republican party is holding primaries. All the contenders disagree with each other on almost every issue. The only 2 issues that they all agree on are, no gay marriage and the return of "Don't ask "Don't Tell" banning gays in the military. They travel around the country spewing their hate in front of cheering crowds. Gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals off all ages see these political events. Their personal lives, their love is a political issues. They hear the cheers of the crowds full of strangers that hate them. All this is very damaging to an LGBT person's self image.

To counter act this damage, we must have the pride parades and the parades should be loud and colorful. All those that have been made to feel like they are less, need to see and hear the parade so they can know they do not have to feel that way. All the young teens that think they are facing a future of misery, need to be shown that it does not have to be that way. And it is important that these parades are not confined to San Francisco, New York, Barcelona, Tel Aviv etc. The parades need to happen in Oklahoma City, Arlington, Jerusalem and other "conservative" cities that wear their hate as a symbol of pride. The hate mongers need to know that they cannot force their intolerant standards onto others. And more importantly, the scared locals that are still in the closet need to know that they do not have to feel like they most hide who they are and that they are no less than anyone else. They need to know they can be proud.

The Time of my Life

June 30th, 2011 I finally landed in Hanoi my dream trip to Vietnam had begun. I was very excited. I had signed up for classes in Vietnamese and in my free time I planned to travel and live life to its fullest. Everyday I would go to class at 830, study for 3 hours and than have the afternoon and evening free. At the airport I was greeted by a guy named K (he would not want me to use his real name). I had met K on the internet a few months earlier and we had become pretty close. He was very helpful in getting me set up in Hanoi. He introduced me to his friends, showed me around the city and taught me how to drive a motor bike.

My time in Vietnam was exactly what I needed intellectually as well as emotionally. On the intellectual side, I learned a lot of Vietnamese and I got to see some amazing historical sites. I ate all kinds of amazing and unique foods. I got to experience Vietnamese culture first hand and I loved it. Emotionally, my trip came at the right time in my life. Almost every person I met while I was there was gay. I was able to be open and honest and act however I felt comfortable. I went from being  "that guy coming out of the closet", to just another guy. Every time I kissed a guy while I was there (so many beautiful Asian guys;)), it felt completely normal and main stream as opposed to in Israel where it always felt taboo. I no longer thought to myself that I was dealt a bad hand of card and that if I could become straight I would. I had carved out my own little "gay world" in Hanoi and this allowed me to finally become completely comfortable with my homosexuality.

About a week or so into my trip I got a text message from a guy named Hoang. Before I left for Hanoi, my friend Long had told me that I should contact his friend Hoang when I arrive because he thought we would get along. After I arrived, I was too nervous to just contact Hoang since I had never met him. But one day I got a message from him and we agreed to meet up that night for dinner. To be honest, the very first thing I noticed about Hoang was that I thought he was one of the most beautiful people I had ever met. Having had some success with R in Bangkok, and K in Hanoi, I was very flirty with Hoang. But our relationship never went in that direction. Instead we became amazing friends.

                                        Me and Hoang at my goodbye party

It is stunning how quickly one person can become a central figure in your life. It was as if we had been friends forever. Hoang and I would meet up almost every day and we would talk for hours. He introduced me to some of his friends who were all very nice people. He planned a trip for the two of us, to the cities of Hue and Hoi An in central Vietnam. One night when my hotel had to temporarily evict all the guest, I called Hoang and he came right over to help me out.

All too quickly me last last night in Hanoi arrived. Saying goodbye to Hoang was extraordinary difficult. I had gotten so used to seeing him everyday and the thought of not seeing him for a long time was hard to handle. I cannot imagine how my trip would have been had I never met him. I am sure I would have had a great time, but because of Hoang my time in Vietnam was amazing and one of the best periods of my life.

As emotionally difficult as it was leaving Vietnam, I was coming home to something much more difficult; coming out to my parents. But that story will have to wait for another post.


Here are some links to some of the pics from my trip :)
https://plus.google.com/u/0/photos/106811648929928513312/albums/5624331465884153073
https://plus.google.com/u/0/photos/106811648929928513312/albums/5626972895519404881
https://plus.google.com/u/0/photos/106811648929928513312/albums/5625884337222894177
https://plus.google.com/u/0/photos/106811648929928513312/albums/5636518103459381521

My First Romantic Experience

When I turned 18, I started to be set up on many, many "blind dates". Set ups were the norm in the orthodox world. Either a friend of mine, or a friend of my parents was always telling me "I have a girl that would be perfect for you." Between the age of 18 and when I started to come out at 26, I must have been set up on over 80 first dates. The vast majority of the dates were boring. The dates that weren't boring, were scary. Whenever I felt things progressing "positively" I would get very nervous because in the back of my head I knew I did not want to end up with a girl. I would think to myself "if this relationship works out, I will never get the chance to be with a guy." I would therefore always find a reason to break up.

At 26, I started to come out and wanted to start meeting guys. Of course, I did not know how to go about this. As far as I knew Jerusalem did not have a gay bar and I did not know any gay guys that I could ask. Luckily, my friends Ariella and Dan had many gay friends. When I told them that I was looking to meet guys, they were able to tell me about the most popular Israeli gay website, Atraf. With their help I opened an account and started to meet guys. Of course, as anyone that knows Atraf will tell you, this is not a place to find romance. It is mostly a hook up site. So at 26 I found my life lacking any romantic experience whatsoever. While hook ups can be fun, I am the type of guy that is looking for romance.

At the end of June 2011, I finally left for my dream trip in Vietnam (I will write more about that trip later). On the way I had a 24 hour layover in Bangkok. So while I was there I set out to find some yummy Thai food. The staff at the hotel I was staying at recommended I go to a restaurant in a specific mall. When I got to this restaurant there was a waiter standing in the entrance to welcome me who spoke a decent level of English. This waiter (we will call him R) was very beautiful and obviously gay. Through my lunch I flirted with him a bit and he seemed to be flirting back. At the end of the meal I paid and went to walk around the mall for a little bit. I kept thinking to myself, "I have one day in Thailand, try and make the most of it." 

I worked up the courage to go back to R and ask him if he would show me around the city after he was done work. He agreed! I sat down and talked with him for a few more hours while he finished up work. Afterwords we walked back to his place so he could get changed. He asked me if I wanted to go dancing, or go eat, or what. I told him "I don't care what we do, as long as I get to spend time with you." He blushed and seemed kinda nervous. I again decided to work up all my courage and I leaned in and kissed him.

We than left R's apartment and walked holding hands to a near by bar. There we had some food and drink and met a few friends of R's. We held hands and kissed throughout the meal. The whole experience of being publicly affectionate with a guy was exhilarating. Living in Jerusalem, I never imagined being able to hold hands with a guy while walking in the streets or kiss another guy in the middle of an outdoor bar. Afterwords, we walked around the city some more holding each other and talking. We ended up spending the night together. In the morning we ate breakfast and than I walked him to his bus stop. When his bus came, we kissed each other goodbye and he left.

While I only got to spend an afternoon and a night with R, it was very romantic and I will remember it fondly forever. I felt emotions that night that I had never felt before. I got a burst of self confidence. I no longer thought that I would end up alone or have to settle. I had just had a romantic evening with a beautiful Asian guy. For the first time I thought that maybe my fantasies could some day become reality :)

Coming Out

Once I finally excepted the fact that I was gay, I felt this internal need to tell people. Here was this hugely significant piece of information about myself, and no one in the world new about it, not even my closest of friends. Of course at the same time, I was terrified to tell anyone. For a while, I continued to keep it a secret, but eventually I just had to tell someone. I decided that I could tell specific people that I was the most sure would be able to accept it, and that way hopefully control the potential backlash. I also had to make sure that in no way the information could get back to my family. That would have been the worst thing possible. They were still having a lot of trouble with the fact that I was no longer religious. I could not even begin to imagine how they would react to learning that I was gay.

To be perfectly honest, at this point I believed that I was bisexual. I had still not been able to understand the difference between recognizing a girl to be beautiful and being attracted to her. (This would take me a bit longer and actually sexual/romantic interaction with guys). But the first few people that I came out to, I did so proclaiming to be bisexual.

The first person I decided I was going to tell was my life long friend, Ben. I know lots of people use the term "life long friend", but in mine and Ben's case, this is very accurate. We were at one another's first birthday party. 26 years later we are still very close. I knew that I could trust him with the fact that I was interested in men. Ben lives in the US, so we would talk mostly over chat. At the time we had been talking a bit more often because he had been helping me through the process of leaving religious Judaism. Having gone through the process himself a few years earlier, he was a huge help. I knew I could trust him with this as well.

One night, while discussing religion over the internet, I steered the conversation towards the direction of dating and attraction. I remember being terrified. I don't know why I was so scared. At no time did I think Ben would react badly to the information. I knew our friendship was very strong and I knew Ben was one of the most tolerant people you could find. I talked around the subject for a while, slightly hinting where I was going with it, until finally I just said it, "I am attracted to guys." My heart was racing a million miles an hour. It was as if by telling someone, it became more real. Ben was as understanding and accepting as I had thought he would be. I don't remember exactly what he told me, but I remember he was able to get me to calm down. Everyone in life should have a friend like I have in Ben.

Over the next few months, I hand picked each and every person I told. Each time I told a new friend, I was terrified. But each time it got a little bit easier. I kept a list of everyone I told, hoping I could control the spread of this information. Of course I knew that the information was out there and it could not be taken back. I had know way of knowing who repeated what to whom. But those first few friends were so supportive. They kept me sane during one of the most turbulent and unstable times in my life. I will forever be  grateful for their support.

I would like to take this opportunity to put into writing my thanks to each of these great friends by name. Thank you Ben, Ella, Ariella, Dan, Shai and Shani. Of course, with time I told more and more of my friends and they were all wonderfully  accepting. But you guys were the first few and your support and love will always be remembered and I will always be grateful :)