Sharp Turn Ahead

I used to have very specific long term dreams. When I was a young teenager, my dream was to move to Israel, join the army and become a career officer. In the end, I moved to Israel, joined the army, realized that I hated every second of being in the army, and dumped the idea of becoming an officer.  My next dream was to go study at a university, get into a graduate program as quickly as possible, and start a career in academia. And of course, the idea of being a successful academic was part of a larger dream of building a life for myself in Israel. In the end, I started my studies as soon as I possibly could, signed up for a joint BA/MA program, learned that I did not enjoy the world of academia and dropped the idea of becoming an academic.And the longer I lived in Israel, the more I realized, I really do not like living in Israel.

Is anyone else noticing a pattern here? Some might say that I am a quitter. I would disagree with them because while I moved on from ideas that no longer made me happy, I never quit. I finished my army service, I finished my schooling and I've lived in Israel for 10 years.

When I used to hear about people that were "trying to find themselves", I would feel very superior. I used to be so sure that I knew who I was and where I wanted to go. What were these "flakes" doing traveling to India or some other seemingly random exotic country to find selves? I always knew who I was, how could someone not know who they are? What did it mean to "find one's self"?

It turns out that I was not superior. Nor did I know myself. Anyone that knows me, or has read this blog knows how true that is. I once thought I was a heterosexual, religious guy. I have since "realized" (grown?) that I am a homosexual, secular guy. I used to be someone who's identity was deeply rooted in Jewish nationalism and I have since realized that I am an intense individualist. I used to be someone with very specific long term dreams. I am now a person that has no idea what I want to do, or where I want to be in the long run.

In 23 days, my 10 and a half years of living in Israel will be coming to an end and I will be moving across Asia to Vietnam. Why? Because I want to (that is the easiest answer). And because I am on a journey to find myself. (I know, I am such a flake!) I am starting a new chapter with the hope that this change will make me happier and that maybe I will learn some more about myself and where where I want to go.

When I started this blog, the main idea was to write about my leaving religion, and my coming out as gay. I chose the name "Off the Path and onto the Road" because it symbolized the orthodox Jewish view of me going astray from the "religious path" and my view of starting to proceed on my own road. Those chapters in my life are over for now and my road is leading to other new adventures.

 While I am sure I will continue to write about religion on occasion, I assume there will be less motivation once I am in Vietnam. I assume that the main focus of my writing will be about being a stranger in a strange land (extra points to those that get the Bible reference) and my continues search for happiness and love. I do hope that my readers that have followed me along my road thus far will continue to follow me as the road takes a drastically different shape. And as always, I am deeply touched by each and every one of you that reads what I have to share. Thank you.

Atheists in Foxholes

A common phrase used by some religious leaders to both put down atheist and forward their own agenda is, "there are no atheists in foxholes". The sentiment behind this line is that when someone's life is in danger, everyone will turn to "god". After all, many religious leaders dismiss atheists as nothing more than childish rebels, rebelling for the sake of rebelling. They do not acknowledge the fact that most atheists have well thought out reasons based on logic and evidence as to why they do not believe in religion. And if this were true, when faced with their mortality, these rebels would be likely to "return to 'god'" to save their lives. However, this is not the case and of this, I am living proof.

I will never forget the horrible pain of the car hitting me on the sidewalk this past September. The pain was so intense and so total that I remember clearly thinking, "OK this is it, I am dying" and excepting the fact that my life was over. I did not think about "god" or religion.

Well I did not die. I laid on the ground with my elbow shattered, bones sticking out of my arm and my foot twisted and facing the wrong way. When I was made aware that we were all struck by a car and that I did not know what happened to my parents, I panicked. I screamed and begged the EMTs and the good samartitans that had come over to help us to tell me what was going on with my parents. No one told me. When I was brought to the ER, I literally asked everyone I saw for information on my parents conditions, but no one would tell me.

I do not know exactly how long it was until I learned that my parents were in fact killed, but it seemed like a couple of hours. During those hours I cried and I begged for information. I never once thought about a "god". I never once prayed to "god" to ask for "its" help. 

I know many people will dismiss my lack of belief in any deity by saying I am just angry at god. But this is not the case because I am an atheist. I really, honestly do not believe that there is a god. How could I be angry at something that I do not think exists? How could I turn to such a thing for help in my time of need? I could no more turn to a unicorn, or a dragon, or a wizard in my time of need. If in my mind, I really thought that there was any chance of their being a god that could listen to my prayers and help, I assure you I would have prayed and prayed a lot. But the thought never occurred to me.

I am not writing this because I am trying to use the killing of my parents to "spread atheism". I really do not care what other people genuinely believe (unless their beliefs come to hurt me or others). However, after hearing over and over again that "there are no atheists in foxholes", I wanted to show that this is not true. This also shows that my atheism is not just a rebellion based on "anger". I have been accused of being an atheist because I am angry about being gay (which I am not). And since the accident, I was told that I am an atheist just because I am angry at "god" for killing my parents. But "god" did not kill my parents so I cannot be angry at "it".

Even further, while many believers believe that it is in the "foxholes of life" that people will turn to "god", to me, the "foxholes of life" reconfirm that there is no loving, protecting god. I do not think that a loving protecting god would allow for war and genocide. I do not think that a loving and protecting god would have allowed my parents to be killed because some irresponsible moron decided to be a total idiot and drive with a big wild dog, loose in the front seat. When I see everything that can go wrong with the world, why would that lead me, or anyone to think that there is an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient god?

Public Displays of Love and Violence

I was having a semi-political discussion with a very conservative relative this past Friday night. We were trying very hard to state our opinions without offending one another. For my part, I was trying to steer the conversation towards the topic of gay rights because I am curious about how my relatives feel about the subject. While I know that most of my relatives have always been anti-gay marriage, anti-gay pride, etc, I often hope that my coming out might have changed that. I would like to think that my family would like to see me happy and therefore might have rethought some of their opinions on these subjects. Usually this has not happened. I do not take it personally because I know that my relatives believe what they do, and in spite of their beliefs have not cut me out of their lives for which I am grateful.

During our brief debate, my relative said, "people should be able to do whatever they want, they just shouldn't be able to shove it in my face". What I took this to at first was that LGBTQ people can do what they want, just don't hold hands/kiss/hug in public. However, I realized that my cousin was not just talking about LGBTQ people. He would prefer it if no one showed any signs of physical affection in public. He is not the first person I ever met that finds public displays of affection (PDA) uncomfortable, so I just dropped the subject.

The next day we were discussing movies. My cousin said that he highly recommends the new Quentin Tarantino movie, Django Unchained. I said that I do not like most Tarantino movies because I do not like gore for the sake of gore in movies. My cousin could not disagree more. He told me that he loves great action movies and that violence does not bother him. And just like my cousin, millions, upon millions love to go watch action movies full of gore and violence. I myself like a good action movie, or war movie if I think it is made well and has a good story. And just like my cousin, society at large has less of a problem with violence than they do with PDA. And when I thought about it like that, I became quite annoyed.

If a movie has a a scene where a bunch of people are shot, or blown up, it will get a PG-13 rating (meaning the movie is suited for 13 year old teens and up). If a movie has a minimal about of sexuality in it, it will be given a rating of R (meaning the movie is suited for 17 year old people and up). Why is it that violence and killing is less offensive to children and the public at large than love and sex? Why is is that America has a culture that guns are passed down from father to son, but many parents cannot accept that their teenagers and young adult children might be sexually active? Why is it that graphic slasher movies are main stream, but pornography is considered one of the most offensive things in society? Why is violence glorified and sex and love are shunned?

This is of course not a problem only in America. Most religions around the world are more lenient and accepting of violence than they are of sex and love. Judaism, Christianity and Islam have harsh regulations on sexuality and love, but all have many allowances for violence. The Torah (the Old Testament) for its part has allowances for war, genocide and slavery, but two men having sex is not tolerated. Islam stifles any sense of female sexuality and love (let alone homosexual sexuality and love), yet glories Muhammad's conquest's and massacres. These 3 religions that sadly lay at the base of much of the world's moral guidelines are quite twisted and have lead to twisted world views. We have to ask ourselves if we really want to live in a society that is more offended by two people kissing in public, or by a gay pride parade than by a man holding an M-16 assault rifle. If the answer is no, the next question is, how do we start changing society to one the glorifies love and admonishes violence. 

If the picture on the left offends you more than the picture on the right,
you might want to rethink your priorities.

My Return to the "Real World"

This past Thursday, I was finally released from the rehabilitation center. This means that my injuries are healed to the point that I do not need constant supervision and that I can continue my therapy at a facility that I do not live at 24/7. All in all this is great news!

Now that I am out of therapy, I needed a place to live in New Jersey until I get well enough to go back to Israel. (I could not live in my parents house for various reasons). So I am staying with two friends of mine that I grew up with that married each other and their four children. Their kids are 7 and under which is quite the change from all the 80 and 90 year old people that were at the rehab center with me. Kids are energetic and lively, which is much nicer then grumpy and tired.

One interesting side effect caused by being out of rehab is that I find myself being reminded about my parents more frequently. This is not to say that I was not thinking about them every day before. In rehab, my injuries were a constant reminder of the accident that led to my parents being killed. But now I am being reminded about what life was like with them, as opposed to without them.

For example, the family I am staying with is a religious, orthodox Jewish family. That means this past weekend, they celebrated the Jewish sabbath in the traditional fashion. When I saw my friends with their kids at the table for the sabbath meal, it reminded me of my childhood with my parents. Seeing my friend bless his kids Friday night was a strong reminder of how my father blessed me every Friday of my life. Even if he was not near me physically, he always made sure to speak to me before the sabbath via phone. While this tradition did not have any specific meaning to me any more, it had great meaning to my parents and I always appreciated that.

My parents looking very happy at synagogue social event

While I was in rehab I knew that once I was released I would feel the gap left by my parents deaths in a very different way. While I was going through such a hard time with my injuries, I wished I had my parents who were always supportive through life's rough moments. But now that I am getting back to "normal life" that my parents had been a constant presence in, their absence is constant. I pay a bill, I think about how my father taught me financial responsibility and constantly checked in on me to offer guidance and help. I go shopping, I think of the countless times I went shopping with my mom. I drive around East Brunswick, the town my parents called home, I am constantly reminded of different times I was with them around the town.

I know as time passes I will feel the lose of my parents in countless different ways. One day if I am lucky enough to meet the man that I will marry, I will not be able to introduce him to my parents. If I am lucky enough to have kids, my parents will never get to meet these grandchildren and my kids will be robbed of having the most amazing grandparents ever. The list can go on and on. But in short, my parents will always be missing for the rest of my life.

People Say the Dumbest Things

After the tragedy of my parents being killed, many people that knew them over the years came to express their condolences to me, as well as to visit me in the hospital. It is truly remarkable how hurtful, callus, and tackless people can be in spite of their good intentions.  I will not repeat any names or how the people who's comments will be repeated here are connected to my family. My intent is not to embarrass or hurt anyone. However, I do hope that after reading this, people might think twice before they open their mouths to talk to people that are grieving and/or hurt. And of course, I am writing this to vent my hurt and frustration.

I will start with the most ridiculus thing said to me. This person came to visit me in the rehab center where I am recovering from my injuries. They looked at me and said "at least we now have two strong advocates for Romney's victory in heaven". I don't know why this person thought this would be helpful for me to hear, or why they think dead people help change the results of elections. This person was also so close minded that they never thought I might have different political beliefs them their own. Frankly, I found the comment to be belittling of my loss and down right stupid.

Of course their were the tens of people that told me that "god" simply wanted my parents closer to "him". These are the same people that would tell me "god" is everywhere. But even if "god" does have a home in the sky where he hangs out with dead people, I would say "he" is a selfish, cruel "god" that could have waited patiently another 50-80 years before putting my family through this pain. And isn't "god" beyond time? This sort of comment might help a young child, but I find it hurtful and condescending.

I was told by one person that that a slight high point is that I would not have to "deal with my parents aging and will always remember them young and strong". I understand what this person was trying to say, especially now being in a rehab center surrounded by seniors with dementia. However, I would gladly deal with my parents aging and still have them here with me. This was not comforting in the least.

One person heard all that happened and looked at me and said, "with all this bad happening around you, you should probably be praying more". This small minded, cruel individual was of course implying that had I been sucking up to "god" more, then he wouldn't have hit us with a car. What a loving "god" to worship. This also implies that it was somehow my fault that this happened. Obviously this is not helpful or comforting. It is cruel, evil and self righteous.

Another person actually had the nerve to basically ask for a donation for a memorial plaque for my parents. Of course they asked while I was lying in bed at the rehab center, left leg and arm in splints and on bed rest because of complications. This person could not think about anyone other themselvesand money.  I'm sure I don't have to explain why this was the wrong thing for this person to do.

There were people that in one sentence tried to tell me that it was "god's" plan to kill my parents and that the only way I could get through this trauma was by returning to "god" and embracing "him". So "god" killed my parents AND will help me deal with my emotional loss? Isn't that called Stockholm Syndrome? There was another person that told me "god" killed my parents as a test to me, to see how I would handle it. This is kind of like how the mafia does things, no? They will kill someone close to you so that you stay loyal to them. Or maybe you will go to to the police? So "god" is a super human mafioso I guess. Sometimes it is obvious people do not think before talking.

Another person went to the shiva (a Jewish wake) and approached my maternal grandparents and asked who they were. My grandfather explained that they are Sari's parents. To which this person responded, "who is that?"  Needless to say my grandparents were mortified. If you do not know the deceased or their family, don't go to console them! It's an empty gesture that is only making you feel better and can be hurtful to the family if you are a tactless moron like this person.

Speaking of  self serving, empty gestures. One day some rabbi came to my hospital room with three little children. I looked up from the bed at four smiling faces that I did not know. I asked, "did you know my parents?" The father answered me with a huge happy grin on his face, "no, but we heard about the accident and we came to do the mitzvah (good deed) of visiting the sick." I felt like saying
that I was so glad that I was hit by a car so they could get their newest merit badge. These were people that were just going through the motions because that was what they were taught to do, not because it is the right thing to do or because they want to help.

I know that none off these people were trying to be hurtful, but they all were. I understand that sometimes people don't know what to say. So don't say anything! And DO NOT ever try and take advantage of someone's loss by trying to get money, or to push your religious agenda. This is called being selfish and emotionally abusive.

The first time I ever went into a house of mourning, my father told me not to say anything, unless someone speaks to me first. This was a great lesson. It lets those grieving have the choice of who to speak to and stops people from feeling the need to have something to say even if they can only come up with half thoughts like those mentioned above. I do really appreciate the good intentions of most of the people who said these things, however, I just wish they had thought before saying such hurtful things.

A Letter to my Friends

To my dear friend, _________________

The last few years of my life have been quite the roller coaster. It was not a simple time in my life or for anyone close to me. But you, my amazing friend stuck by me.

 It all began with what many saw as my abrupt exit from Judaism, which was actually the culmination of years of struggle and confusion. While many stood in judgement of me and some even cut me from their life, you stood by me as I learned to see the world through new eyes.

Of course the next major change in my life was not easy either. When I first told you that I was gay, you may or may not have been surprised. But you saw how terrified I was to share this once deep secret. Without missing a beat, you hugged me and told me that I had nothing to fear. You said that you loved me and that anyone else that loved me would continue to do so, no matter what. You once again stood by me as I learned more about myself then ever before. 

And of course you are still with me today, as I struggle through the most difficult calamity and change in my life. When that horrid person lost control of her car and killed my parents, while severely injuring myself and two loved ones, you rushed to my side. You were practically tripping over yourself trying to figure out how else you could help. You are here to help me deal with my emotional trauma and to support me through the healing process for my physical injuries. I do not know how I would get through all this without your loving friendship. 

I would like to tell you how much you mean to me, but the words simply do not exist. You are an amazing, wonderful person and I love you very much. If it was not for you, I do not how my life would look, but I am sure it would worse off.

Thank you for everything.

Love,

Your friend forever, Ami

Fear of Flying and Falling

At the moment I am sitting in Ben-Gurion International Airport waiting for my flight to New Jersey. When I was little, I use to love to fly. Through most of my life, my father would win trips from work and I was lucky enough to get to travel with my parents around the US and a bit internationally as well.

I remember before my fist flight ever when I was about 6 years old or so, I told my grandmother that I was scared to fly. She explained to me that flying is extremely safe, even safer than cars. I was very surprised by this, and even though at six years old I had no understanding of statistics, the information was trustworthy enough to rid me of my fears. During that first flight, I insisted on sitting by the window and looking outside the entire time.

Fast forward a few years. By the time I was a teenager, around 14 years old, I had had the idea of the "fear of god" drilled into me. On top of that, I was racked with guilt over my attraction to men and the fact that I, like every 14 year old masturbated. I was taught that these two "sins" were amongst the worse things that a person could do and that the punishment for them was death. Not only that, I was told that the punishment for "wasting seed" was that you could never get into heaven. At the time, the idea of godly punishment and heaven were extremely real to me and I lived in fear of being smitten by an angry god.

So scared! :-/

My fear reached a point that every time I got on a plane I actually expected it to crash. I would spend a good portion of every flight that I was on, mentally begging "god" to spare me. I would make all kinds of deals with "him". I was actually taught to do this by a rabbi that had taught me. He told me that it was a good idea to try and make deals with god, but that they had to be realistic. So I would say to "god" that " should I survive this flight I would not look at men for 30 days and that with "his" help I could go longer." But I also asked "him" to make it easier for me, because such promises were so difficult to fulfill.

Death Plane

Having realized that religion is  make-believe, and a man made invention, I no longer board a plane expecting the worse. In fact, just like when I was a little kid, I try and think of how statistically safe I am flying in order to fight any fears of flying that remain. I do not know if I ever will be completely without fear when flying, because in the end I do not like heights and really really do not like falling. But it is definitely a lot nicer flying now than it was in the past.

Jerusalem Pride Parade

Yesterday was the 10th annual Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade. People that do not know much about Jerusalem might not realize how significant it is that there is a pride parade in the city that is holy to Judaism. Christianity and Islam. So here is some background.

For around two thousand years, Jews, Christians and Muslims and been killing each other over the ownership of the city. However, the three religions seem to be able to find common ground and work together when it comes to the issue of gay pride in the city. Every year since the first parade in 2002, the radical religious groups in the city and from around the world try and do everything they can to stop the parade from happening. In 2005, one particular nutcase rushed into a group of marchers with a knife, stabbing 3 people. In 2006. the threat of violence against the parade was so great that the police said they could not guarantee the safety of the participants. So the parade was moved to a stadium and no spectators were aloud.

Besides Jerusalem's special significance to the 3 major monotheistic religions, it has a large personal significance as well. I lived in Jerusalem or in its suburbs for around 8 years. When I dreamed of coming to Israel as a young boy to" fulfill my religious and nationalistic duties", I dreamed of the city of Jerusalem. When I first started to leave the religion, living in Jerusalem made it very difficult. The secular community of Jerusalem is shrinking and it lives in the shadows of the growing ultra-orthodox communities. When I would tell people that I did not believe in god, they would look at me like I was a total lunatic. The city life also revolves around religious life, meaning that from Friday night to Saturday night pretty much everything is closed and all you can do is stay home.

Coming out as gay in Jerusalem was even more difficult. For about a year I worked as a security guard at Jerusalem's Hebrew University. It was not uncommon to see some of my coworkers make fun of openly gay students. On a number of occasions, I heard coworkers announce how they would refuse to work side by side a gay security guard. Needless to say, I was always very worried that someone at work would find out I was gay. So Jerusalem became a symbol of my old religious, closeted life.I could not wait to get away and move to a more tolerant city like Tel Aviv.

Today, when I go back to Jerusalem to visit and I see all the men dressed in black and all the women with their hair covered and in long heavy clothes in the summer, I think to myself "how was this ever a part of my life? I am so glad I got away from it and can live my life freely and in a way that will make me happy".So now going back to Jerusalem for a pride parade, I was looking forward to celebrating how far I had come in the last few years.

You can be sure that the Jerusalem Pride Parade is very different than most other parades. It is more of a protest than a celebration. The sidewalks were not full with cheerful spectators rooting the marchers on, rather the sidewalks were pretty empty. There were a few people clapping here and there. There where a few people making rude hand gestures. But mostly there was just police.

My personal highlight was when the parade passed by "Hachel Shlomo", the offices of the Israeli Chief Rabbanit. The chief rabbis are among the leaders of the anti-Jerusalem pride parade camp. They say how having LGBTQ people march in the "holy city" is a desecration. But there I was, marching past their offices anyways. Tolerance had beaten superstition and hate. For years religion made me deny and feel ashamed about being gay. And now I was marching in a gay pride parade, holding a rainbow pride flag, in Jerusalem, right under the noses of the intolerant and hateful rabbis. What a feeling!

That is me holding my flag during the parade. The tall building with the dome in the background, is  "Hachel Shlomo", the offices of the Israeli Chief Rabbani   

The Value of a Life

Six years ago, during the summer of 2006 Israel went to war with Lebanon. Actually that is not true. Israel went to war with a terrorist organization called Hezbollah that has its bases in Lebanon. This terror group ambushed a border patrol and took 2 dead soldiers hostage. The Israeli government panicked, overreacted and went to war in order to retrieve the two bodies.

At the time, I was a member of the communications platoon in an armored battalion. We were on maneuvers up near the border when the war started, so we were one of the first units mobilized. I hadn't always been in communications. I had trained to be a tank driver but due to an injury, I was reassigned to a second line position. While I was no longer serving in the tanks, I still had friends that were. One friend was named Kobi. He was picked to by the gunner in the battalion commander's tank.

Kobi was very excited to have been chosen to by the battalion commander's gunner. When the ground invasion started, he would be in the command tank. I remember the night he went into Lebanon, me and him were sitting around talking. He was telling me how energized and nervous he was about the invasion. I remember saying to him "kill some terrorists for me" and I wished him luck. With that we said goodnight.

The next morning, I woke up early and I ran over to the command center to ask if there had been any injuries over the night. I was told no. But not a second later I started hearing screaming and yelling over the radio. I heard people screaming "what was that?!" and many explosions. I was sent away so as to not be in the way. There was a few hours of confusion where no one seemed to know what was going on. I had my cell phone and I called my parents in the US and asked them and their friends to pray for me and my friends. But a few hours later I was told that Kobi had been killed. His tank had drove up onto a huge landmine and was blown apart.

A few days later, I was among the people sent home from the unit to attend Kobi's funeral. I remember having this horrible feeling at the funeral. It was not normal sadness, it was more complicated than that. Since I had been a little kid I had seen war movies and thought they were exciting and fun. I had dreamed of being a soldier. I used to fantasize about leading troops into battle and destroying the enemy. And now I was at the funeral of one soldier and I was surrounded by hundreds of bereaved family and friends. I could not comprehend how this event happens hundreds, thousands, MILLIONS of times over in other wars.

Why is life worth so little? Why are we so quick to send people to die, to volunteer to go die, or to kill some one else? I am not a pacifist, but in many cases it is just unbearably frustrating what people are willing to die and kill over; religion, land, political philosophies, money. I cannot figure out for what Kobi and the other 118 Israeli soldiers that were killed sacrificed their lives. Because a bunch of under-qualified politicians didn't know how to react to a minor incident? Thousands of Lebanese people were killed because some irresponsible, fanatically religious group decided to attack a more powerful country. What a waste.

I have written this before, but I think it bares repeating. When people focus all of their energies on a make believe fairy land called "heaven" that can only be reached after death, they are devaluing their actual lives. When you tell people from the time they are little children that "this life is full of turmoil" but the next world is perfect and amazing, why should they not throw away their lives in the hope of leaving turmoil and reaching perfection? And if you tell them they have an automatic ticket to heaven just by taking down some "heathens" with them, they are that much more tempted.

One of the best things that happened to me when I stopped believing in Judaism is that I stopped focusing on what will happen after I am dead. I stopped being afraid of "god" sending me to hell. I was able to focus on my real life and trying to make that as good as I can. Life is so valuable. People should stop treating it like it is cheap.

My Views on Traditional Male Circumcision

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS OPINIONS THAT MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE TO MY RELIGIOUS READERS. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK. I PROMISE THE POST AFTER THIS WON'T BE AS INTENSE.

For the record, I have been putting off writing this post for a long time. It is a subject that causes me a lot of anger and at the same time I know it will offend many of my readers. But this subject is so very important to me that I had to finally share my opinion.

Imagine you walk into a family's living room. The room is packed with family and friends. Everyone is smiling and having a good time. They are celebrating the birth of a new baby boy. How wonderful! Everyone is mingling, catching up and of course talking about the new baby boy. The proud parents are basking in the company of those close to them and showing off their son to everyone.
"Look how cute he is".
"Isn't he just perfect".
Everyone nods in agreement - that is except for his foreskin.

Than the mohel walks in and the ceremony begins. The baby is passed on a pillow between close friends and family. The designated god-father is the last one to be handed the baby. The mohel comes to the baby and opens the diaper and starts saying a series of prayers.
The mohel's objective is to remove the baby's foreskin as a sign of the covenant between the Jewish people and "god". The foreskin contains more than 20,000 specialized nerve endings, making it the most sensitive area on any human, boy or girl. The foreskin is fused to the penis glans, or head, much in the same way a fingernail is fused to a finger and must be torn off. Once the foreskin is separated, a clamp is often used to protect the glans so that the foreskin and all of its nerves can be cut off. After this there are a few things that can happen.

In the ultra-orthodox world, the mohel will use his mouth to suck some blood from the open wound, which he will than spit out. This practice is known as mitzitza be'peh, or sucking by the mouth. This is an extremely archaic and extremely dangerous (not to mention horrifyingly inappropriate and disgusting) practice. It causes the death of tens of babies every year, due to infections passed from the adult mohel, to the victim. This dumb practice that is only legal because it is part of a religious ceremony was dropped by most non fundamentalist streams of Judaism because it is so dangerous. Instead, the mohel will most often use a glass tube to draw some of the blood out.

After this blood sacrifice, the baby is given a name, making him a full member of the Jewish nation and everyone eats some more in celebration of this "wonderful" event.

In my opinion this is THE most horrific thing practiced in Judaism today. Simple facts: A baby just had the most sensitive part of his body cut off in sacrifice to some deity that he has not chosen. No one asked this young baby if he wanted to donate 40%-60% of the skin of his penis to a "god" of which he never heard. This baby will now live the rest of his life with a very much desensitized penis. The once internal and protected glans, which is the most sensitive remaining part, is now unprotected and over exposed. It will constantly rub against clothing for the rest of the baby's life and will develop a callus in a process called keratinization causing further loss in sensitivity. Many circumcisions, are cut very tightly causing discomfort during erection. When this baby becomes a middle-aged man, he will be 60% more likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction.

I know many of you are thinking, "but I was always told it was healthy". Yes, we were all told that, but it was a lie. The main "health risk" of the foreskin is infection because the person did not keep themselves clean. In today's day and age, when we can all shower very often, it is very very easy to keep the body and the foreskin clean. Even if it was not that easy, you just don't slice off a part of a body because its hard to clean. And of course, the number one "health benefit" that people love to preach about is that it lowers the risk of catching HIV when having unprotected sex. But do you know what really lowers the risk of HIV? NOT HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX! But the Catholic Church and other religious fundamentalists are very anti condoms, so they would rather have people slice up their genitals than "god forbid" wear a condom.

Since the risks and damage greatly out ways any once thought to be real benefit, the only real reason to do this unnecessary procedure is religion. And it is wrong for the person who's foreskin is in question to not have any say in the matter. If an adult male is so dedicated to his faith that he would like to have his penis mutilated, he is free to do that. But the unnecessary mutilation of a baby's penis without his permission is simply wrong.

I know what a sensitivities subject this is to religious and non religious Jews alike. This is a core part of their Jewish identity. When I first came across these facts, I was encouraged to research the matter on my own so that I could prove all these claims wrongs. I was sure that all the new information I had just learned was part of sum anti-Semitic conspiracy. But the more I read, the more i learned it was all true and the more horrified I became by the practice.

 I always say that as much as I disagree with religion, everyone should have the right to practice the religion of their choice, as long as they are not hurting anyone. Well, in this case, every single boy comes out hurt, and damaged for life. This is a horrible practice that should be reexamined and stopped.

Here are some links that you might find interesting:
50 Reasons to Leave it Alone
An Open Letter to Mohel Michael Henesch
Cut is a documentary about circumcision from a Jewish perspective. I highly recommend it.

Zionism, Nationalism and all the Jazz

I was brought up with what I would call a very "radical" Zionist, world view and values. My parents were admirers of the slain extreme right-wing leader Meir Kahane. The short version of the "Kahanist" world view is as follows.
1. "God" gave the land of Israel to the Jewish people and we must retake it by force to bring the messiah.

2. The world is divided into two groups, Jews and those that hate or will hate Jews.

3. The Jewish government of Israel should be based on Jewish religious law.

4. There is no place for non Jews in Israel.
When people would sit around and discuss how we thought the Israeli-Palestinian conflict could be solved, me and my family would paraphrase Kahane and say "the nice ones (Arabs) can leave on air conditioned buses". Growing up, I believed in this world view 100%.

As I wrote before, I moved to Israel at 17 to fulfill the Zionist mission. I wanted to join the army and fight Israel's enemies. I voted for political parties that advocated the transfer of Arabs from Israel as part of a finale "peace" plane. I believed anyone that did not agree with the world view that I was brought up with was at best not a real Zionist, and at worst a traitor. Radical Zionism was a huge part of my upbringing and a huge part of who I was. My feeling of Israeli nationalism was second to none.

When I first told my parents that I was no longer religious, one of the first things they said to me was, "so you are no longer a Zionist?!" I was hurt by this accusation. Of course I was still a Zionist. I thought that was such an absurd thing to say. What did god have to do with nationalism? There were plenty of secular Zionists in Israel. Israel was built by secular Zionists. Nationalism exists in literally every country on earth and often has little or nothing to do with religion.


But as time passed, and I started to apply my new rational, humanistic and realistic values to more and more topics, my feelings of nationalism faded. I stopped seeing the world as divided into arbitrary groups. What is the difference between a Jew, an Arab, a German, or an Indian? We are all human. I do not feel a need to only be around people that are similar looking to me, or have a similar social/genetic background. There are non Jews in the world that I love very dearly. Why am I less connected to them than I am to some Jewish person living far away from me that I never met?


I realize now that my parents were right, religion was an important part of my Zionism for two reasons. The first reason was that it gave me the "Jews vs. the world" attitude. Second, it allowed me to believe that there was an end to the conflict. I believed that if Israel just did x,y and z, the messiah would come and everything would be perfect. Today, I realize that as long as the conflict is about who's fairy tails are more "accurate", the conflict will never end.


So where do I stand today? I do think that Israel has a right to exists and should exist. Sadly most of the world still sees humanity as divided into different groups; nations, religions, races, ethnicity, etc. These make-believe divisions are the sources of many wars, conflicts and genocides around the world. If Israel did not exists, Jews would be a lot more vulnerable to another genocide, just like the many genocides that happened through out the history of the Jewish religion. However, this does not justify Israel mistreating Arabs or any other non Jews. I think that as long as religion is such a powerful force in the Middle East and the world, this conflict will never end. And frankly, I think that shows how pathetic humanity is sometimes.

The Nonsensical "Values" of Conservatism

According to the Torah, the Jewishness of a child is determined by the father. I know that many of readers will be surprised to read that because today everyone knows that a child's Jewishness is determined by the mother. But if you were to read the Torah, you will see that the many lists of different character's lineage only contain men. Women/mothers did not enter the writer's heads. So what changed? When the Roman Empire conquered Ancient Judea, it became very common for Roman soldiers to rape Jewish women. When a married woman was raped, there was no way of knowing if her child was her husband's or the Roman soldiers. So the Rabbis of the time decided to switch the determining parent from the male to the female.

I know that must surprise many of my readers as well. Rabbis at one point in history actually decided to change and adapt. For thousands of years Judaism revolved around the Temple in Jerusalem. When the Temple was destroyed, the Rabbis once again adapted and changed the religion to survive. All this happened before the idea of "conservatism" was invented (I am referring to the general social/political idea and attitude. Not to be confused with the Conservative religious sect of modern Judaism). 

Today conservatives around the world, Jewish and not Jewish believe that change must be fought. They believe they have certain practices, certain ideas or "values" and any discussion that things might have changed over the last tens, hundreds or thousands of years is simply wrong. But if people had always thought this way, their religions that they love so much would have died out hundreds or thousands of years ago. The world is always changing and smart people know how to learn and adapt where as conservatism insists on staying the same and refusing to adapt as if their attitude will stop time from passing. 

Today religious Jews are absolutely panicked about intermarriage and "assimilation". If a Jewish man marries a non Jewish woman, his bloodline and his lineage are lost to the Jewish people and any children he fathers with his non Jewish wife will not be Jewish. They believe that if this growing trend continues, Judaism as they know it and accept it will disappear. However, since history shows that the Rabbis can and have switched the determining parent between the man and the woman in the past, wouldn't it make sense for Rabbis to say it is enough that one parent be Jewish? Than there would be no danger of their religion vanishing. But their conservative mind set tells them that they cannot bend. The world must not change and their religion must not change. 

A few days ago, 40,000 ultra-orthodox Jewish men went to a rally at Citi-Field in New York to listen to Rabbis warn them about the dangers of the internet. These Rabbis commanded their followers to avoid the internet and warned them that it is evil. (Obviously new technologies and unrestricted access to knowledge is very dangerous to ultra-Orthodox Judaism). One Rabbi, Rabbi Wachsman told the crowd that whoever did not follow these new edicts and bands on the internet would not be able to get into heaven. 

Obviously, I really don't care if people believe Facebook and Gmail will stop them from getting into fantasy "wonderland".  But I must ask again, why be so conservative? Why would the ultra-Orthodox not use the internet to communicate between communities around the globe and share ideas on their religion? There is no value to this kind of conservatism. 

The same conservative attitude is causing all the grief in America over gay marriage. The conservative says that "marriage has always been between one man and one woman and therefore cannot change". Ignoring the fact that that statement is in no way whatsoever even slighly historically accurate, why can't marriage change? Through most of history, marriage was all about producing children. Today marriage is about love. So why can't the "institution" adapt and include the love of two men or two women? If you don't agree with gay marriage, than don't have one. But how does it affect you if someone else does? What do conservatives gain by telling people no? 

GOProud, Orthodox Gays and Other "Queer" Combinations

Controversial gay activist Dan Savage was recently asked to apologize for comments he made about the Bible. His exact words were "We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people, the same way we have learned to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about shellfish, about slavery, about dinner, about farming, about menstruation, about virginity, about masturbation". The main group demanding this apology, is a group called GOProud, the "gay wing" of the Republican party. While I appreciate that members of GOProud are homosexuals that tend to be fiscally conservative and prefer small government (2 opinions I personally agree with), I cannot understand their social conservatism. How can they defend the evil the Bible says about homosexuals and at the same time call themselves proud gays? 


Even more so, I do not understand how this group can endorse a a candidate for the presidency that wants to write into the US constitution an amendment that is anti gay marriage. I understand party politics. I understand that members of this group can be gay and still religious and therefore don't want their churches and religious institutions to have to change. However, I cannot understand how this group can abandon their fellow human beings that are fighting for what they feel to be their civil rights. I can't understand how they can endorse the homophobia of the Bible and yet claim to be proud?


Similarly, there is a growing trend in Israel of openly gay, orthodox Jews. These men wear kippot, women that dress according to Jewish conservative standards, keep Jewish dietary laws, as well as the Jewish Sabbath and have openly homosexual relationships and march in gay pride parades. Again, this is a group of people that accept the homophobia of the Torah to be the word of the one true "god", but at the same time are proud of their homosexuality? 

While talking about a group of openly gay Catholics in the episode of "Bullshit" dealing with the Vatican, Penn Jillette says, "A gay Catholic seems like a Jewish Nazi to us". While Orthodox Judaism is a little less harsh than the Catholic Church in regards to their view of homosexuals, I have to admit that I find the combination to be somewhat ridiculous and to a large extent self hatting. How can someone claim to both be proud of who they are, including their homosexuality and at the same time believe that an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscience god condemns and hates homosexuality? 






Obviously I agree with Savage and Penn when they dismiss the bible as "bullshit" (their word choice, not mine). How can a book so full of hate and evil be true? But there are these groups that have somehow reconciled their gay pride and their belief in this book and I simply cannot understand how they do it. I am a huge proponent and individual rights and freedoms. I am the last person that will tell these people that they have to change their views or anything like that. But I am genuinely curious about how they mix these contradictions in their lives. I would love to ask any of my readers that have any insight on the subject to please comment on this post. Are these groups delusional or is there something that I am missing?

How Judaism Haunts Me and Why I Must Leave Israel

Many people I know don't understand why I hate Judaism so much. They think that since I am no longer practicing, I should just move on. They do not understand why I write about it and talk about it as much as I do. The reason is that Judaism haunts me. I know this might sound dramatic and might be hard for some to understand. In fact, it is often hard for me to put into words and explain. So that is where this post comes in. Hopefully what I write here, along with any comments/conversation that stems from this post, will be clear enough to explain my feelings.

Most of my religious life was very complicated. I was a very proud, religious Zionist and in many ways radical about my connection to Judaism - the religion and the people. However, at the same time I always resented the burden I felt came along with this. I remember at a young age, a friend of my parents brought to a Sabbath lunch a woman that was in the process of converting. I could not understand why anyone would ever want to volunteer to be part of Orthodox Judaism. I figured I was born into it and did not have a choice and therefore I should embrace it. But given the choice, I would never choose it.

A fellow blogger friend of mine, Coin Laundry recently posted a comment on Facebook that reminded me about a debate I had with a bunch of friends when I was around 14 years old. I had asked my friends, if they were to discover that they were not really Jewish by birth, would they convert. Interestingly the majority of the boys said no and the majority of the girls said yes, but overall more said yes than no. I was shocked. I would have been so relieved to discover I was not Jewish. Who needs all the constraints, the guilt and the responsibility? I later brought the question up to my father. He answered that he would convert as well. Again, I was shocked. Why would anyone want this as part of their life?

As I got older, my sexuality became quite the burden. I could not help being attracted to guys. Every time I prayed I would ask "god" to take these feelings away, because I did not want to sin, but could not help myself. On Yom Kippur (the Jewish day of atonement and judgment) I would beg "god" to spare my life. I would tell him that if he just took away this attraction than I wouldn't be so tempted and everything would be OK. Of course I remained attracted to guys and my feelings of guilt and fear of heavenly punishment grew all the time.

When I finally left Judaism behind, there was an amazing burden lifted from my shoulders. (I still tried to hide the fact I was gay but that was because of my family, not religion). Slowly I was able to learn to think freely and resented myself less and less. I was free.

But of course I live in Israel, the Jewish country. Everywhere I look, I am constantly reminded of religion. Religious parties sit in the government and push their agenda on the nation. My university requires all Jewish students to take Judaic courses. When going out, kosher vs non Kosher food, open on the Sabbath or closes, all must be taken into account. On the Sabbath their is no public transportation. Religious people sit on the street corner and try and convince you to follow their ways. Old senile men like Ovadia Yosef wave great power here, just because they are Rabbis with many followers. And while in theory all of these things can be easily ignored, for me they are a constant reminder of the feelings I had back when I was religious.

I think a good analogy would be to a man who was imprisoned and is released after many years. He can walk around freely and do whatever he pleases. His life is his own. However, he would not want to see prison guards, barbed wire and jail cells everywhere he looked. These things may not be a part of his life anymore, but he most certainly would not want to be reminded about it all the time.

This is why I feel that I must leave Israel behind. I need to put some space between me and my past so that I can properly "get over it". While I will probably never embrace Judaism ever again, I do not want to hate it forever. I hope with my planned move across the globe to Vietnam at the end of this year, I can begin to finally move on.

The Religious High Horse

One day when I was in the army and still religious, I got on a long bus ride to the north of the country to go back to my army base. I was very tired and fell asleep almost immediately listening to music on my disc-man (it was a long time ago). About an hour and a half into the ride, I was smacked awake by some crazy guy that was screaming at me, but I could not hear what he was saying. When I took off my headphones I heard him saying that I was a horrible person for not giving my seat up to an elderly person that had gotten on the bus. He than yelled "you should take off your kippa (traditional Jewish head covering worn by religious men) and be embarrassed".

Now, this screaming man was obviously nuts, because I was asleep and therefore did not know that there was an old man standing in the aisle. I remember at the time being very embarrassed and since my Hebrew was not that good yet, I could not even explain myself. But the guy kept yelling at me to "take off my kippa", even after I had stood up to give the old man my seat. I really did not understand what my kippa had to do with anything.

Fast forward to today. I was waiting for the light rail in Jerusalem. Standing next to my was a young ultra-orthodox guy (about 18-20 years old?) with a girl that I assume was his younger sister (15 or 16 years old?). They tried to buy a ticket from the ticket machine and it did not work. So he said to his sister, "lets just get on the train without a ticket. (Never mind that there was another ticket machine across the street that did work).  Worse case scenario and we get caught, they will just make us get off at the next stop". To the girls credit, she was very uncomfortable with the idea, but her brother insisted and she eventually agreed. Witnessing all this I thought to myself, "this guy is religious?!" And than I remembered what had happened to me, 8 years ago when I was in the army and I understood what the crazy guy was talking about when he kept telling me to take off my kippa. 

Obviously, all communities have their good and their bad people. But in Israel, many of the leaders and the most vocal members of the religious communities are constantly telling the secular community to "repent" and become religious. We are told that the secular life style is empty and without meaning. We are told that if we do not believe in a "god" that can see us at all times and judges us, we will eventually do immoral things. Proselytizers set up booths on main street corners trying to convince passerby's to pray. We are told it is good for our soul. 

With the religious community constantly telling us that we are bad, and that we should be more like them, when we in the secular "community" witness a religious person doing something bad, we jump on it. "This person thinks he is better than me, but here he is doing something bad". 

The point of this post is not to say, religious people are not as good as they claim or anything like that. As I wrote earlier, there are plenty of good and bad people from every kind of background. But the bottom line is that their are bad religious people. Religion does not make people good. So to all the "preachers" out there I would like to say, STOP preaching and telling all secular people to "repent". There are enough bad people that believe in god that you should question your "belief = good" formula. Get off your high horse, worry about yourself and leave me alone.

A Passover Discussion about Gay Marriage

I spent the first days of this Passover with my parents at a hotel at the Dead Sea. These religious holiday getaways are generally pretty boring, but it was nice spending the time with my family. Saturday afternoon at the hotel, a rabbi was giving a class on "religious coercion and Jewish law". Knowing my extreme disdain for religion and especially for religious coercion, my parents thought it would be interesting if I went to the lecture with them.

To be honest, the lecture was surprisingly good. The Rabbi was as opened minded as Orthodox Judaism can allow. His overall point was "if people want to live in sin, forcing them to live according to Jewish law won't make them love god and want to live according to the Torah". The interesting part came after the lecture when my mom wanted to discuss what I thought about the matter.

The discussion started out as a debate on morality. My mom thinks religion, specifically Judaism is the proper moral way of life. I explained why I felt it was immoral in general and specifically not a life style for me. She responded by saying that my dislike for religion is simply because of "my life situation", which translates to "because I am gay". And at that point, the conversation became about gay marriage.

I tried to explain to my mom that she can be against gay marriage and hate it all she wants. But that still doesn't mean she has to expect others to agree with her or live by those same rules. I explained that she already recognizes civil, Christian, Muslim, Hindu etc marriages which according to her belief system are not real marriages. But she said that gay marriage would "destroy the moral fabric of society".

Its funny how many people use that line, but no one really seems to know what it means. How would gay marriage destroy the moral fabric of society? Would it create more killers, more thieves? Would 2 gay men living together and being able to file taxes jointly create more rapists?

My mothers final line was "just don't call it marriage". But again, why not? What is marriage? The way I see there are basically 3 major kinds of marriage. The first is the religious kind. The "holy union" declared in some ceremony, by some form of clergy. In this kind of marriage, each religion and each clergy gets to decide their own rules. I really don't expect Orthodox Judaism or the Catholic Church to start performing gay marriages (and I really don't care if they ever do).

While gay religious marriage might be more complicated, the next 2 types of marriage are perfectly suitable for 2 men or 2 women - social and intra-couple. Marriage is a social took to create families. I can think of no good reason why 2 people of the same gender cannot be a family. Even without marriage, brothers, sisters, fathers and sons, mothers and daughters are all family. Of course some people make it an issue of offspring, but infertile couple can marry, so that can't really be an issue. The intra-couple form of marriage is simply when a couple wants to publicly declare their love and commitment to one another publicly. This is completely personal and no one outside of the couple really gets to have a say in the matter.

But of course all the logic in the world will not convince the extremely religious/conservative to tolerate (let's not even talk about accepting) someone else's values. But being anti-marriage equality is not going to make there be less homosexuals. It is just going to continue to treat homosexuals as second class citizens. And in the end, having a country which does not treat all its citizens equally, really is the destruction of the moral fiber of society.

"God's" Jealousy and Love of Death

When studying the Torah, one of the most obvious "lessons" is that god seems to be very jealous. A good portion of the 613 commandments revolve around the fact that god wants you to only worship him. The first 2 of the 10 commandments have to do with this: 1. "You shall have no other gods before me" 2. "You shall not make for yourself any graven image...". In fact, god would be so upset if you worshiped other gods, that he declares the punishment for such a transgression to be death. The Israelite nation was told to destroy entire cities where idol worship is prevalent and kill all its residents.

But rather than condemning all those that do not believe in him to death, wouldn't it be more loving and merciful of god to just reveal himself to the nonbeliever? Or is human life so unimportant to the "merciful god" that he would rather let people live in doubt and than condemn them to death/hell for not taking this difficult leap of faith?

I know many of my readers will say that they see god all the time through "miracles" and other subjective evidence. But every religion attributes these events to their god(s). So if I happened to be born into a Hindu family than the cards are already stacked against me. Even if I recognized a so called miracle, the chances are I would attribute it to a Hindu god and not to the jealous monotheistic god. So apparently it is either not that important to god that people know he is the "one true god", or he just loves death.

And if one were to learn more of the Torah, I think the evidence points to god loving death. In the book of Exodus, god punishes the Egyptian people with 10 plagues, because the Pharaoh would not release the Israelite nation from slavery. The 10th plague - god's grande finale, he kills every single first born male in Egypt with no regard for age or deed. It did not matter if the first born was 1 minute old and had never done a bad deed. It did not matter if the person lived in a part of Egypt that had no Israelite slaves. Everyone had to die. And according to Jewish tradition, this event is not mourned, but rather it is celebrated.

The holiday of Passover is starting next week. At the Seder meal, where the story of the exodus from Egypt is told over, the plagues are celebrated as ten of god's greatest and most wonderful miracles. I personally think the story is fiction, but those that believe it to be true never seem to question the morality of this act. I know I never did when I was religious. It is just understood that god kills those that he deems deserve it and that we "mere mortals" cannot question these acts.

Of course the obvious next question is, why should anyone worship such a god? God is vengeful, jealous, violent and petty. Does that sound like an all powerful super being to you? Does that sound like a good source for morality? I know that the religious believer will tell me that we cannot question god, nor can we understand his acts. They would say that is seems immoral to us because we do not understand god and his plan etc. But I think that is a cop out. Believers in the Torah claim that it is the source of morality. Than I ask, where is the morality? Shouldn't god lead by example?

Of course there are plenty of more examples of the immorality of the Torah, but I will have to write about those in a later post.

Morality and Judaism

I did not plan on writing a post tonight, but after the evening I've had, I have so much I want to share. My parents are in Israel, so I came to their apartment near Jerusalem for the Sabbath. My sister and her husband live in this apartment with their 2 young daughters full time. My relationship with my sister and brother-in-law is a bit strained. They are very very religious and obviously look down on me. In spite of this, when my parents are in the country, I always try and join them for the Sabbath. I also agree to join my father at the prayer services. I don't pray or anything, but it makes in happy for me to be there next to him.

This evening we were at the prayer service and my father was reading some newsletter put out by some Rabbi. He had trouble understanding the Hebrew so he asked me to translate it. The article was basically about a hit and run incident that happened this week in the north of Israel. The article said that the driver, who fatally wounded a young woman was not found because there was no camera in the area. After the incident many people called for there to be more cameras installed throughout Israel to prevent hit and runs. But the article said that cameras are not the answer. The answer, according to the writer is religious education. His reasoning was that religious people "know" that god is always watching them and therefore do not do things like hit and runs.

Being that the driver was not caught, I do not know how the writer knows what education or background s/he had. But religious people often like to assume that other religious people are especially trustworthy and wonderful. I know my dad prefers to do business with only religious people. He often says, "He was a frum yid (religious Jew in Yiddish), so I decided to give him some business", or "so I figured I could trust him."

Later on, the Rabbi gave a sermon that basically said that Jewish law is about morals, as opposed to secular law which is about stability, and a system of rewards and punishments. He stated that in the 10 Commandments it simply says, "Thou shall not kill." It does not give a reason or a punishment. It just gives a moral statement. He went on to say "even non Jews know that killing is wrong, but they don't do it because they don't want to get caught and punished." Never mind the belittling of non Jews. I am wondering, if this speaker had read the article my dad had given me to translate. The article said, fear of being "caught" by an all powerful god keeps Jews from doing wrong. Now this Rabbi was saying Jewish law was not about punishment, it was just about doing what was right.

The truth is, that both religious and non religious people do bad things. I know religious people that do the right thing because they want to get reworded and go to heaven, and I know those who do what is right simply because it is right. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest that religious people would behave more morally because of their religious belief. The US is the most religious nation in the Western World and it has one if the highest crime rates. Religion simply is not an effective source of morality or a deterrent from doing wrong. I do not know why religious people continue to be "shocked" every time a religious person is arrested or accused of wrong doing. Some people are evil. It does not matter if they believe in god or do not. Stop with the elitism.

Religion's Special Right to Offend.

When walking down the street in any major Israeli city, it is very common to find a booth set up by some "Chassidic" (a branch of Ultra-Orthodox Judaism). At these booth will be a bunch of men that will randomly approach men that look to be secular that they see walking down the street and ask them questions like "did you put on tefillin today?" (special leather straps and wooden boxes worn by religious Jewish men during morning prayers). "Have you heard of Rabbi X? His books can help you with spiritual guidance". Their goal being to "inspire" nonreligious people to become religious. I personally find this very annoying and offensive. When I mention this to people they tell me that these people just want was is best for me and I am just being oversensitive and radical. 

But what if the situation was revers? What if atheists set up booths and asked religious people that they saw passing "Excuse me sir. Do you realize the world was not created by God?" Or "Have you read any books by Christopher Hitches? His books are really inspiring and could help you leave religion." These atheists would be told that they are being offensive and small minded. That they should respect people and their religion. So if atheists must respect religion and the religious, than why are the religious allowed to disrespect the secularist and his/her world view? What is the reason for this double standard? 

One time while visiting NY city with friends we were approached by a Chassidic man who asked us if we were Jewish and married. I wanted to the ignore the man, but my friend answered that we were indeed Jewish and none of us were married. The man handed us pamphlets containing some prayer and told us if we read this special prayer everyday for 40 days we would each magically meat meet the woman of our dreams. I tried to walk away from this nut case but my friend continued talking to him. He asked him, "what about my friend here" and pointed to me, "do you want him to get married and find the person of his dreams." The Chassid said "of course I do. God wants everyone to find their match and to be happy." My friend answered, "but my friend, he is gay. Do you still want him to find the person of his dreams?" I cannot describe the look this Chassidic man gave me. But with scorn in his eyes he said to me "sometimes people fall in life and they just can't get up." With that I threw his pamphlet on the ground and me and my friends walked away. 

Not to sound like a hippy, but everyone is different and everyone has their own world view. Everyone should do what makes them happy as long as they do not hurt anyone else. If don't want to society to split than we can't view those that are different from us as people that must be changed or fixed. Just like I would be expected to not try and turn religious people secular, religious people should be expected to not try and turn secular people religious. It is offensive and only continues to fuel the fire of distrust between the two groups. 

Forbidden Love and the "Slap in the Face"

Looking back now, I realize I have been attracted to boys/men since I was a little kid. I didn't really think about it though for a while. I would say that I liked girls/women and I really believed it. Even today, there are plenty of women that I find to be very beautiful. I recognize that beauty, but that recognition isn't attraction. That lesson was very hard for me to learn.

By the time I was 15 or so, I would find myself thinking about guys when I was alone, or even dreaming about them at night. This was very confusing for me. I was taught that being gay was a sinful decision people make and I had not made the decision. I would tell myself that I wasn't attracted to these guys, rather I was just jealous of their good looks. That explanation was pretty good for a number of years and was reinforced by my own low self-esteem. But I was still scared by this jealousy and I would often pray to god and make all kinds of deals with him to make this "jealousy" go away. Of course this never happened.

At some point, I admitted to myself that I was attracted to guys, but I was also attracted to the girls that I found to be beautiful. I felt that must mean that I was bisexual, so I could just ignore guys and focus on girls and be a good Jew. I was able to go on like that for a a little bit. In public I liked girls, in private if I thought of guys it wasn't so bad. I continued to ask god to make that attraction go away, but I thought I could handle it.

I realized I could not handle it when attraction became emotion. I understand from talking to lots of gay guys and through some research that it is very common for guys that stay in the closet to develop crushes or fall in love with a heterosexual friend. This happened to me and it really hit me like a slap in the face. YOU LIKE MEN AND YOU CANNOT DENY IT, RUN FROM IT, OR EXPLAIN IT AWAY! This was a really difficult time for me for a couple of reasons.

First, I could no longer ignore the side of me that liked guys. For the first time ever, it wasn't in my head, or alone in my room. This was a friend of mine. We have mutual friends. He was part of my public life! I cannot find the words to describe how terrifying this was for me. And if you have not gone through a similar experience, I do not believe that you can fully understand it. Secondly. the feelings I had were torturous. I had feelings that i didn't understand or want to admit. Even if I could get passed that, these feelings could never be returned by a straight guy. Further, I was terrified of losing my friend over this.

To this day, I do not know if this friend knows that I once had feelings for him. I believe he does but I really don't know. It doesn't really matter because I am long passed that point in my life. I have moved on and and this person and I are still good friends. For that I am very thankful. I have heard similar stories were the friendship was destroyed in the process and that is always very sad.

That was a very dark, very sad and very confusing point in my life. I am glad it is over.