But of course there are still times that I am sad. I very much miss my parents and at times the feeling overwhelms me. But I manage to get past the sadness and continue moving forward and and I try to be positive. The one emotion that I have the most trouble dealing with when it comes is anger. Lately when I get angry, I am really not sure what to do, except go to sleep and hope that when I wake up it will have passed.
What am I angry at? In short, almost everything. I am angry that some random person that had nothing to do with my life, was irresponsible while driving and now because of her my parents are dead and my elbow and ankle have been severely injured. I am angry that every time it pops into my head to talk to my parents, I can't because they are dead and always will be dead. The permanence of death angers me.
I was brought up to believe that death was just physical and that people live on in an after life. Now that I can no longer believe this, I am furious at the totality of my parents death. I am angry that my parents truly believed that by following what they believed to be the will of "god" they would be protected and given long lives. And despite their belief and dedication, while walking with me and their closest friends on the sabbath, a day that they "kept holy" as they believed they were commanded to, they were run over by a car and killed. I am angry for my parents because I believe they were lied to (not maliciously) and given false promises.
I'm angry for my injuries and for the injuries of our dear friends that were hit as well. I cannot speak for them, but I am angry that I am always in pain. I am angry that at the moment, neither my leg nor my arm work like they should. I am angry that I am completely dependent on the help of others while I spend most of my day in a hospital bed.
I am angry at all the horrible things people have told me while being well intentioned. I don't want to hear about "god's will" or "god's plan". I really, wholeheartedly believe there is no god. But should there be one, his plan is evil and his will is demented.
I am angry that in my close family circle that is dealing with this tragedy, I am the only single - as in unattached - person. I love my sister and brother in law. I love all four of my grandparents and I'm grateful to still have them in my life. I love my aunts and uncles and i love all my parents close friends that are for all intents and purposes are part of my family. But at the end of the day, when the lights go off, they each have their life partner, their soul mate, their lover to help each other through this horrible tragedy.
At the end of the day, when the light go off I am alone. I have no one to talk to as I fall asleep. I have no one to share my nightmares and dreams with when I'm woken in the middle of the night and no one to hold me and hug me when that is what I need.
At some point the anger always fades. I go back to my normal mood. But even after I calm down, I know that at some point I will get angry again. I know that because I have every reason to be angry over all the things I mentioned above. I'm not a little kid and I have known for a long time that life isn't fair. But I never expected to have this much "not fair" shoved down my throat at once. But what can I do? Nothing. I just have to accept it all and move on. I'm trying and I will, but it sure isn't easy.
Dear friend, I love you. Because I love you, I will be honest with you. You will never most past losing your parents, you will learn how to live a new life, though. It may seem like 'moving on' to some people but there will not be a day that goes by where you don't think of them...and that's OK. No one can deny that you were dealt a horrific hand and it's not fair. There are no words of comfort, no words of solace that I can offer except that you're loved. You are SO loved by so many people. That love can't take back what you've been through and it won't replace the love of your parents, but that love will help you heal. It won't seal your broken heart or keep you from your thoughts but it will be the shoulder to cry on when needed.
ReplyDeleteGet angry. It's OK. Get angry but don't stay angry. Use that anger to your advantage - it's a powerful tool but it can also cloud judgement, so use it sparingly.
Know that you're loved and supported all around the world.
Thank you Hillary for your kindness and support. As I said, I'm more often then not OK. just at the moment I'm really angry and I'm trying to shake it.
DeleteThanks again.
Hi Ami,
ReplyDeleteBoy would I be pissed as well! I don't know what advice to give other than not to feel too bad about getting angry.
But someone in your position with your pain has no other choice unless he's willing to retreat to fairy tales.
I think I would be an emotional mess in your position, I totally admire the fact that you stay so positive!
I hope you will find your love soon so that at least some loneliness can be sweetened.
A big hug from this side of the ocean!
Chatzkaleh
Thank you ChatzKaleh.
DeleteI think when faced with adversity you would be stronger then you think. But I hope this theory of mine will never be tested.
Hugs
When I lost my mother, I still believed that she could see us and was looking down upon us. It was comforting. Twelve years later, I lost my best friend very abruptly. I no longer believed by that point. I hated it when people would say her death was god's plan and we couldn't understand what it was. She died a young woman after a two day battle with an infection. Whenever someone would say this was part of a greater plan, I would sort of mumble something about nature being cruel.
ReplyDeleteI remember a conversation with her mother. They were traditional Jews who kept kosher at home, belonged to an orthodox shul and had beautiful shabbat dinners each week. My friend's mother used to write long letters to her dead daughter. She admitted to me that she and her husband did not believe in an after-life or god and that these letters were her outlet and her hope that one day, her grandchildren would read them and come to know their mother better. This woman went on to say that she wished she had faith like her own devout sister. That it would make things easier for her to believe that she would see her daughter again, she knew it was totally false and she couldn't pretend.
Today, it is almost 15 years after her daughter's death. For the most part, she and I have learned to live with that hole in our hearts. But it is the finality of death that is just hard to deal with.
I am sorry you are alone in the sense that you do not have a boyfriend or husband yet. It sounds like you have a wonderful group of friends and you do have friends around the blogosphere. I hope you will find someone soon.
I understand that anger is a normal part of the grieving process, and that would explain why you're not thinking rationally.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't believe in an after-life, then why do you care if they believed in Judaism or not? It made them happy, and isn't that what mattered?
I'm an Orthodox Jew, and I believe in an after-life. If a relative of mine was lied to and decided to believe in a different religion, I'd be angry, because after their death, I'd believe they were not in a good place. But if you believe they're not anywhere now, why does it matter what they believed before? As long as it made them happy, who cares?